Venting I'm so tired. I want to ctb with SN

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm a plague and I'm tired.

I don't know, does anyone want to give me a helpful nudge to where I can source SN and meto and a few things so I can just end it?

I know I should find these things myself I'm just depressed and dead inside. It's really time I just wasn't here anymore.

I live around the UK if that helps. I just need the drugs and then I can end it, hopefully.

 

[Elri]

There's no more SN left they made it impossible to get your hands on. you could find nitrate which is useless. but search in locals you could find there

 

[Suicidebydeath]

That's awful.

I want to self-isolate until I die, it's just taking far long too naturally.

Methods like SN seem best for me. I can't do partial hanging.

 

[Elri]

I'm so sorry , it's very hard

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Assisted-suicide should be legal.

I can't even suicide by cop here (which is an awful thing to do).

 

[Sherri]

It's not hard. I know a few sites but we are not allowed to mention anymore

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I lack motivation to do anything. Even die.

I didn't ask for this.

I wish I could sleep forever.

 

[Sherri]

Some users who CTB left the packages with names and adresees. That makes it harder, specially to the UK. In the is easy.

I lack motivation to do anything. Even die.

I didn't ask for this.

I wish I could sleep forever.

Sorry for your pain, dunno the reason and you don't have to tell me. But I hope it gets better for you somehow.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I can't do anything without extreme anxiety now.

I can't even enjoy anything. So nothing is helping.

I don't care about a peaceful method, it just has to be doable.

 

[Sherri]

I can't do anything without extreme anxiety now.

I can't even enjoy anything. So nothing is helping.

I don't care about a peaceful method, it just has to be doable.

Are you on any medication for the anxiety at least?

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Sorry for your pain, dunno the reason and you don't have to tell me. But I hope it gets better for you somehow.

I hate myself and it feels pretty unbearable.

Its a permanent problem and death is a reasonable solution.

Are you on any medication for the anxiety at least?

No.

I'm tired.

I'm going, sorry.

 

[Sherri]

I hate myself and it feels pretty unbearable.

Its a permanent problem and death is a reasonable solution.

No.

I'm tired.

I'm not pro life, but I would go to ER right now and just say you feeling anxious, I'm sure they wilhelp with the anxiety. Don't mention the suicide though or they might keep you longer, Xanax works wonders. Just don't get hooked to it.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

That is a beautiful suggestion.

I don't think I can do it. Too anxious and going to the ER would be a big step for me.

I honestly hate taking up space for others that need it more too.

 

[cambrai33]

I hate myself and it feels pretty unbearable.

Its a permanent problem and death is a reasonable solution.

No.

I'm tired.

I'm going, sorry.

That is a beautiful suggestion.

I don't think I can do it. Too anxious and going to the ER would be a big step for me.

I honestly hate taking up space for others that need it more too.

I have been to A and E recently, believe me when I say you will be treated fine and given either medication or resources to contact if that's what you want.

The amount you tell them is up to you but you know where the red lines will sit

I did this 4 weeks ago, even the first nurse I saw before the mental health team told me she had suffered in the past.

I am pro choice for those watching btw

 

[Suicidebydeath]

LittleBlackCat's reaction grounded me a little. I think I want medication more than ctb right now. I can think about ctb another time if medication doesn't change my feelings. I'm still a plague.

Thanks for not pushing me to get medication. It'd just make me feel worse.

 

[cambrai33]

LittleBlackCat's reaction grounded me a little. I think I want medication more than ctb right now. I can think about ctb another time if medication doesn't change my feelings. I'm still a plague.

Thanks for not pushing me to get medication. It'd just make me feel worse.

I didn't get medication but I did get help in others ways including a resource you can talk about anything without consequence, it was hard to believe but it's there if you want it

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I have been to A and E recently, believe me when I say you will be treated fine and given either medication or resources to contact if that's what you want.

The amount you tell them is up to you but you know where the red lines will sit

I did this 4 weeks ago, even the first nurse I saw before the mental health team told me she had suffered in the past.

I am pro choice for those watching btw

This makes me feel better thank you

Almost went to A&E but talked myself out of it, thought it would be busy/wasting peoples time

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I might ask for an ambulance. I can make something up. I will just include the symptoms I have now and beg for medication.

Taking up people's time and space sucks but so do I.

Anything to be less of a plague and burden is welcomed.

I wish the timing was better, its hard to try and look after someone else and be in crisis at the same time. They will be around tomorrow and I don't know where I will be.

 

[cambrai33]

This makes me feel better thank you

Almost went to A&E but talked myself out of it, thought it would be busy/wasting peoples time

So I went to one in a major hospital, often in the news…..

They could not have been more helpful or understanding. I came into the entrance with my eyes filling up, someone noticed me, came up and asked if I was ok, took me to a cubicle and had a chat, from then on sandwiches and tea with mental health professionals and a plan of things to do the next day

You are not wasting anyones time, seriously, if thats what you want to do then I can only say it was a positive step for me at a time off chronic insomnia and idealation

I might ask for an ambulance. I can make something up. I will just include the symptoms I have now and beg for medication.

Taking up people's time and space sucks but so do I.

Anything to be less of a plague and burden is welcomed.

I wish the timing was better, its hard to try and look after someone else and be in crisis at the same time.

Can you walk in?

I just went to A and E on the bus of all things, I actually ctb to A and E, bizarre as it sounds

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm going to finish this anime.

My anxiety and insecurity is so bad I can't even watch it, its painful to watch. Everything makes me want to die right now not even kidding. It's an awful feeling.

After that please push me to ring an ambulance and make some stuff up. I'm actually asking you to convince and push me. Or send an email to my G.P. Or something.

I need to be on medication.

 

[cambrai33]

No problem, I will be here if you want me to be, I know the UK system enough to give you a pointer

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I'm going to finish this anime.

My anxiety and insecurity is so bad I can't even watch it, its painful to watch. Everything makes me want to die right now not even kidding. It's an awful feeling.

After that please push me to ring an ambulance and make some stuff up. I'm actually asking you to convince and push me. Or send an email to my G.P. Or something.

I need to be on medication.

I understand how you feel.

Could you take yourself to a&e in an Uber or something? If not, you could call 999.

I hope things get easier for you

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I feel bad that this is going to be logged under "symptoms of COVID vaccine" even though it won't make any difference with just me and I'm just reaching out for help.

Can you walk in?

I just went to A and E on the bus of all things, I actually ctb to A and E, bizarre as it sounds

I have agoraphobia, anxiety, extremely embarassed, not comfortable with people, and zero energy and motivation. Just some of the relevant symptoms that are making it harder to do what's suggested.

I've also been drained recently.

As much as I don't want to be a pain in the arse, I know what I can and can't do.

So its A&E or go to bed. Bed won't change anything and I'll lose all impulse to go and get medication now if I do that. Tomorrow I'll just be dead-inside again.

Or well tomorrow, I'll be spending time trying to make someone else that's around feel better. That's good and all, but won't help me.

I want to help me to make sure I can help them. Even though I'm worried about them and want to see them tomorrow.

 

[cambrai33]

I feel bad that this is going to be logged under "symptoms of COVID vaccine" even though it won't make any difference with just me and I'm just reaching out for help.

Don't worry about anything but yourself right now. If you want help it's there and you deserve it as much as anyone else.

Be kind to yourself, especially now

 

[Sherri]

I feel bad that this is going to be logged under "symptoms of COVID vaccine" even though it won't make any difference with just me and I'm just reaching out for help.

I have agoraphobia, anxiety, extremely embarassed, not comfortable with people, and zero energy and motivation.

I've also been drained recently.

As much as I don't want to be a pain in the arse, I know what I can and can't do.

So its A&E or go to bed. Bed won't change anything and I'll lose all impulse to go and get medication now if I do that. Tomorrow I'll just be dead-inside again.

Or well tomorrow, I'll be spending time trying to make someone else that's around feel better. That's good and all, but won't help me.

I want to help me to make sure I can help them. Even though I'm worried about them and want to see them tomorrow.

An anti anxiety pill will help you relax. But it's your life your choice, we are just trying to help you sweetie.

 

[cambrai33]

An anti anxiety pill will help you relax. But it's your life your choice, we are just trying to help you sweetie.

Hey, just wrapped a bastard of a present (life's expectations) and wanted to check in, hope you are ok

 

[miserableforever]

I'm a plague and I'm tired.

I don't know, does anyone want to give me a helpful nudge to where I can source SN and meto and a few things so I can just end it?

I know I should find these things myself I'm just depressed and dead inside. It's really time I just wasn't here anymore.

I live around the UK if that helps. I just need the drugs and then I can end it, hopefully.

I saw it online yesterday. I'm in the US.

 

[cambrai33]

I understand how you feel.

Could you take yourself to a&e in an Uber or something? If not, you could call 999.

I hope things get easier for you

Hey Cat, just wanted to check in on you and know that you are ok

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I feel bad that this is going to be logged under "symptoms of COVID vaccine" even though it won't make any difference with just me and I'm just reaching out for help.

I have agoraphobia, anxiety, extremely embarassed, not comfortable with people, and zero energy and motivation. Just some of the relevant symptoms that are making it harder to do what's suggested.

I've also been drained recently.

As much as I don't want to be a pain in the arse, I know what I can and can't do.

So its A&E or go to bed. Bed won't change anything and I'll lose all impulse to go and get medication now if I do that. Tomorrow I'll just be dead-inside again.

Or well tomorrow, I'll be spending time trying to make someone else that's around feel better. That's good and all, but won't help me.

I want to help me to make sure I can help them. Even though I'm worried about them and want to see them tomorrow.

How are you now? Did you go to A&E?

Hey Cat, just wanted to check in on you and know that you are ok

Hi. Thanks, I'm ok

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Yeah I was there for a whole bunch of hours. I took 2 taxis. Seeing how hard it was to go and stay there I feel bad for anyone else in my situation that has to do the same thing really. Just keep asking for help and try to be communicative and articulate and it'll come. So basically, I should get some help. No medication though, not today, so I have to just cope without it. I ate chocolate instead lol.

They validated a ton of stuff but also dismissed some stuff(well 1/2, basically dismissed that I have CTPSD/BPD) but I will continue to push it. I have all of the symptoms of CTPSD, and 3-4/6 of the possible things that can cause it and afaik 1/6 should be enough. If I want help for all my problems, they have take it seriously. Probably its because I said I wasn't suicidal (which is kinda true and kinda not? it's on/off, I'm in recovery but also feel like I want to die and it could happen any time, they should ask if I'm suicidal in the past and make me answer truthfully or read between the lines), and because all of the symptoms are not stuff that spring to mind when I talk.

I talk about stuff that is happening/has happened, and my anxiety and so on. Not about the specific way I feel and stuff, which is all of the stuff that the symptoms of CPTSD are.
I can always go outside the loop to try to get the diagnosis, a friend showed me helpline but I need some privacy to make that call. Easier to just email my GP with all the symptoms really.

Not feeling any better, still anxious, still worried about my friends etc wanting to CTB, which is unrelated to my anxiety, just makes it more. And so on, I'll have to deal with feeling like crap inside still, but enough people told me today I'm not an awful person so that helps (just takes 1-2).
CPTSD

• difficulty controlling your emotions
• feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world
• constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness
• feeling as if you are permanently damaged or worthless
• feeling as if you are completely different to other people
• feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you
• avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult
• often experiencing dissociative symptoms such as depersonalisation or derealisation
• physical symptoms, such as headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches
• regular suicidal feelings.
  
  ^all 11, minus depersonalisation and derealisation but I'm a bit dissociative
  
  
  
• The types of traumatic events that can cause complex PTSD include:
  • childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment
  • ongoing domestic violence or abuse
  • repeatedly witnessing violence or abuse
  • being forced or manipulated into prostitution (trading sex)
  • torture, kidnapping or slavery
  • being a prisoner of war.
    
    3-4 out of 6
    
    
    
  • You are more likely to develop complex PTSD if:
    • you experienced trauma at an early age
    • the trauma lasted for a long time
    • escape or rescue were unlikely or impossible
    • you have experienced multiple traumas
    • you were harmed by someone close to you.
      
      all 5
      
      so idk, I just keep pushing.
      They do think I might be correct about my other self-diagnoses though.