Venting i’m so tired and scared

[angelicism999]

I left a bad situation in June and the one major host I had isn't available anymore so I don't really know where to go. I've been crashing with this other guy but he just wants to do it all the time and he never asks or stops when I tell him to, but I'm rly scared to say anything cause I feel he's gonna kick me out if I do. But he literally just _keeps going_ even when I'm crying out in pain or screaming no and pleading with him, he just ignores me and does whatever he wants and afterwards he'll be back to nice again or just laugh everything off as a joke. I don't know how you can act like that, it's so psycho and idk how to process it at all rn. I'm so exhausted and dissociated I've been turning into a different person from day to day, like my body doesn't even feel like my own anymore. This is the third horrible rapey situation I've gotten into this month and I'm so messed up and tired. One man straight up told me he was gonna rape me without a condom after i told him i NEEDED to be safe and he wouldn't put one on till i started crying and begging him to do literally anything else. another guy found me sobbing on a curb and legit tried to _pry my legs apart in the middle of the street_!!! I don't know what's wrong with me that guys feel so okay doing this shit to me, it's happened 4 other times in the past three years and everyone thinks it's my fault cause I'm so bad at protecting myself. I feel so so worthless, I don't have emotions anymore and I'm so stupid and spacey that i can't do anything to help my friends or be useful to anyone. It feels like this is all I have now and it's gonna keep happening over and over and no one will ever believe me. I srsly wish someone would just kill me or smth, I can't handle being treated like this again and just getting left to deal with it by myself

 

[AngelGirl]

I'm sorry about your situation...
But why don't you report him? He is committing a crime and victimizing you. Just report him immediately.

Why are you continuously in those situations with different guys?

What do you mean no one will believe you?
If you text, keep the texts, and should record the conversations.

You should just stay away from guys altogether. Like you know you can't protect yourself. I have very low self esteem too and I used to be in many short lived "relationships" where guys treat me like shit and was only a fuck toy to them with no respect whatsoever.
It was like that because I felt so disgusted at myself and my body and felt worthless so I continuously found myself in those situations. I just hated myself so much.

But when you are like that you should just stop seeing men.

 

[not_a_robot]

You could bite the bullet and try a shelter but it won't be much of an improvement, just a bit less rapey.
I hesitate to recommend prostitution because it is a very creepy lifestyle for many other reasons (the tricks are always looking for ways to try to control your life from "behind the scenes" without you knowing, it's so stupid and childish), but it would be a hell of a lot more empowering than what you're doing now. Just never listen to a word a trick says because it is all idiotic nonsense intended to drive you insane. Just take the cash, make them blow their nut and get the the fuck out.
Not an ideal situation, but the advantage would be quick cash to get your own place. Tricks are also surprisingly usually much more sexually considerate than the situation you're describing. Still gross, being touched by strangers, but at least they're usually gentle. And finished in minutes.

 

[Phoenix1990]

You said you don't know what's wrong with you? There is nothing wrong with you. Those dirty perverted bastards, who have hurt you, need their heads caving in. You also said that no one will believe you... I believe you and I'm sure people on this site believe you too, please don't stay in the situation you are in because of fear that you will be made homeless. Maybe you could check out online charities that help victims of sexual violence, because that is what you are, a victim and you don't deserve any of what has and is still happening to you. I'm sorry that I can't be of much help. Thinking of you

 

[Lady black]

It seems some women and girls have something that make rapists realize, that are potential victims. i don´t know why but often the same person is raped a few times. It´s sad but I don´t know if there´s anything that makes that stop. I hope you will never be raped again.

 

[not_a_robot]

It seems some women and girls have something that make rapists realize, that are potential victims. i don´t know why but often the same person is raped a few times. It´s sad but I don´t know if there´s anything that makes that stop. I hope you will never be raped again.

Mostly they just go after whoever seems the most alone/vulnerable, or anyone who seems like she might not be believed. Some rapists even take jobs "helping victims" because they enjoy having access to someone who has already been violated. Rape-crisis cops getting busted for rape is not unheard of. Who would believe a woman who claims that the counselor who was supposed to help her with rape-trauma actually raped her again? She must be insane, right? She must just think everybody rapes her.
That's how the really gifted predators get away with it.

 

[angelicism999]

You could bite the bullet and try a shelter but it won't be much of an improvement, just a bit less rapey.
I hesitate to recommend prostitution because it is a very creepy lifestyle for many other reasons (the tricks are always looking for ways to try to control your life from "behind the scenes" without you knowing, it's so stupid and childish), but it would be a hell of a lot more empowering than what you're doing now. Just never listen to a word a trick says because it is all idiotic nonsense intended to drive you insane. Just take the cash, make them blow their nut and get the the fuck out.
Not an ideal situation, but the advantage would be quick cash to get your own place. Tricks are also surprisingly usually much more sexually considerate than the situation you're describing. Still gross, being touched by strangers, but at least they're usually gentle. And finished in minutes.

thanks so much for the message. i've thought about a shelter, but the places in nyc are really sought after? I'm looking into respite care though, and I might check some like youth programs to see if people are doing stuff. I have been tricking for while too so couchsurfing hasn't been a major issue. i feel like i should try to keep myself out of a shelter for as long as i can still get housing, it's just stressful? I've had some scary breaks where Everyone flakes. Ughhhh clients are so skeevy i swear

I'm sorry about your situation...
But why don't you report him? He is committing a crime and victimizing you. Just report him immediately.

Why are you continuously in those situations with different guys?

What do you mean no one will believe you?
If you text, keep the texts, and should record the conversations.

You should just stay away from guys altogether. Like you know you can't protect yourself. I have very low self esteem too and I used to be in many short lived "relationships" where guys treat me like shit and was only a fuck toy to them with no respect whatsoever.
It was like that because I felt so disgusted at myself and my body and felt worthless so I continuously found myself in those situations. I just hated myself so much.

But when you are like that you should just stop seeing men.

I'm not reporting him cause I rly don't like cops, and all the procedures make me feel pretty unsafe? and like he's kept me housed and stuff and also has a history and i dunno, my brain is on its own weird guilt trip that i'm not really equipped to deal with and handle a report

Jajs you're right... tho I'm trying to not end up with assholes anymore but I'm still just really bad at reading red flags.

You said you don't know what's wrong with you? There is nothing wrong with you. Those dirty perverted bastards, who have hurt you, need their heads caving in. You also said that no one will believe you... I believe you and I'm sure people on this site believe you too, please don't stay in the situation you are in because of fear that you will be made homeless. Maybe you could check out online charities that help victims of sexual violence, because that is what you are, a victim and you don't deserve any of what has and is still happening to you. I'm sorry that I can't be of much help. Thinking of you

I'm not rly articulate enough rn to thank you right rn but this was so so kind of u. i'm like about to cry thank you this means so much

 

[not_a_robot]

thanks so much for the message! i've thought about a shelter, but the places in nyc are really sought after? so i'm like... trying to avoid that resource as long as i can. idk it feels rly corny to me to phrase it like that, but basically i've been friends with a lot of homeless people so in my head i'm v like "there are plenty of folks who need this more than you" rn? I'm looking into respite care though, and I might check some like youth programs to see if people are doing stuff. I have been tricking for while too so couchsurfing hasn't been a major issue. You're so right though ughhh clients are so skeevy i swear, the dudes are like. human emetics


I'm not reporting him cause I rly don't like cops, and all the procedures make me feel pretty unsafe? and like he's kept me housed and stuff and also has a history and i dunno, my brain is on its own weird guilt trip that i'm not really equipped to deal with and handle a report

Jajs you're right... tho I'm trying to not end up with assholes anymore but I'm still just really bad at reading red flags.



I'm not rly articulate enough rn to thank you right rn but this was so so kind of u. i'm like about to cry thank you this means so much

Are you old enough to get a hotel? If you're tricking, even living in hotels is better than crashing with
rapists. In fact you might be better off because when living in hotels you can move around a lot. See a few clients, and move. See a few clients, and move. Those people are very weirdly jealous and competitive of their shitty lifestyles, so you'll need to move a lot to stay ahead of the pimps. Be very wary of guys or girls offering you any "help" once you're in that lifestyle; you no longer have friends, you only have exploiters. That's why it's always best to take the money and run, run, run. Don't try to have a "place to stay", just try to stay on the move and bank enough money to keep your hotels paid and plan your next strategy. Stay in one place just means attracting attention, you don't need any more of that.
I loved tricking and living in hotels. Pimps thought I was too ugly to be pimped so I was totally free and independent, just see a couple clients a day then get high and watch cable by myself. The prostitution lifestyle won't work if you can't be solitary though. If you crave companionship, the only people you're going to get it from as a prostitute are predators. But if you don't mind staying isolated to stay safe, it can be ok for a while, but the online fan-clubs never stop stalking. Stay mobile til you have enough money banked to get out of it and do a trade-school or some shit. There's no point attempting any kind of normal life while working as a hooker, all the clients want to do is expose you and embarrass you publicly to ruin that normal life.No point trying to have a boyfriend outside the business, they just turnout to be pimps and freeloaders.
All tricks just want to destroy any life you may have outside of prostitution, that's their real turn-on; the sex is just an afterthought.

 

[Rocksandsand]

@not_a_robot is 100% right. These tricks are predators, and they absolutely sniff out vulnerability.

A shelter sounds like a good option, even if it's just a circuit-breaker. While you are being raped over and over, you're going to be stuck in survival mode (hence the dissociation!) and it sounds like your mind and your body need a rest.

 

[AngelGirl]

I also agree that you should really try a shelter. It's still going to better than the situation you are in right now.

 

[angelicism999]

@not_a_robot is 100% right. These tricks are predators, and they absolutely sniff out vulnerability.

A shelter sounds like a good option, even if it's just a circuit-breaker. While you are being raped over and over, you're going to be stuck in survival mode (hence the dissociation!) and it sounds like your mind and your body need a rest.

I also agree that you should really try a shelter. It's still going to better than the situation you are in right now.

Okay, that's true and makes sense! i think that's my plan for now. thank you guys so so much for writing, I'm beyond grateful for the support. I feel so much calmer now, I'm probs gonna try sleep for a bit and then go look for stuff! tysm

 

[Kirkscoobz]

Firstly Rape is rape, that's what he doing if you say stop and he doesn't,
Secondly if yo report this to the police there team will work with you to find a suitable place to stay, either way you need to he out of that set up,
There's nothing wrong with you so don't let others way so, people take advantage of ones good nature and innocence,
Be safe and be strong,

Good things come to us all
Karma will strike also those who cause pain.

 

[Conflicted Cat]

I'm sorry you're going though this, damn that's fucked up. Please know absolutely NOTHING is wrong with you, THEY are the bad guys here. I don't know much about shelters, but I hope things work out well for you.

 

[Shamana]

What are the social services like in NY? I don't really know how to help, but no one should be subjected to what you are experiencing and rape is no fault of yours no matter what.

 

[ExitTheDay]

I'm sorry to read what you're going through, that's very fucked up... homelessness is a fucking bitch as I'm currently facing it but I'm slowly crawling my way out of it, I don't want to reccomend this because my family sucks but hopefully that isn't the case for you but are there any relatives you could stay with? You deserve a safe place to stay without worrying about a guy forcing morbid pleasure upon you, I really wish you the best... please stay vigilant!!!

 

[GoingSoonish]

I felt so bad reading through this. You are incredibly brave and strong for sharing your story with us. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I think that you need to move to another place as soon as possible. If you do decide to report the incident, the police should be able to get you out of your current situation immediately. I do understand though if you feel uncomfortable going through that process. You do not have to press charges to receive support from the government. Please see this website for your options if you take this route: https://www1.nyc.gov/site/hra/help/domestic-violence-support.page

There is a lot of information on google about centers that provide support to women that are in your position. I came across this one through a quick google: https://winnyc.org/. There are also the various online communities (such as r/women r/rapesurvivors) that are out there.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing. We are all here for you. I hope that you move out of this place as soon as possible. You need to be living somewhere where you can feel safe and comfortable. Atleast with a shelter you will be able to escape this horrible person and begin the healing process.

Sending you love and hugs.

 

[MG_39]

It makes me very sad to read about your situation. You have met a lot of disgusting people. Even though it might feel like everyone out there just trying to take advantage of you, it's not the case, there are good people.

I have an idea, it might not be easy to when you feel low and sad. But you need to distance yourself from everything negative. Which might not always be that easy, because moving cost money. If i'm not wrong there are a lot of possibilities to volunteering around the world. You get food and somewhere to sleep, and even though there are bad people everywhere in our society, I would like to think there are less of them there.

 

[thomasdoyletad]

I don't know what's wrong with me that guys feel so okay doing this shit to me,

People smell vulnerability. It's fucked up. But once you've been through trauma there's just something about the way you carry yourself that says, 'victim,' and people know it. It's not so bad for men because unless you're outnumbered or someone is bigger than you they'll usually leave you alone, and it's a lot easier for us to look scary to normies. At the very least you live in a country where equalisers aren't completely illegal. If you're over eighteen, and have never been charged with a felony you should be able to pick up some pepper spray. Seriously, make an anonymous paypal account and I'll send you the fucking money if you're too broke. You sound like you need it.

I left a bad situation in June and the one major host I had isn't available anymore so I don't really know where to go...

I'm not going to offer advice, but can you be more clear about what your problems are? Maybe someone can help.

1. Is there a reason you're staying in NYC if the social services aren't great?

2. What's keeping you from getting a safer job? I'm not suggesting it's easy (believe me I know it isn't) just lay it out

3. What's stopping you getting out of that guy's house? Again, I'm not suggesting there's nothing. I'm saying like, what would it take for you to be able to walk out the door tomorrow?

4. Have you looked at women's shelters? Your environment is certainly abusive and there's a crap-ton cleaner and safer than homeless shelters, also a thousand times less likely for the workers to try to sexually exploit you.

You sound like you're in a state of dissociation due to PTSD. What are your anxiety levels like? Have you spoken to any rape crisis counsellors or phoned any IPV hotlines? I can hunt some from the NYC area up for you. Just don't call them when your 'housemate,' is around. Go to a library. Libraries are safe and have free internet access.

 

[angelicism999]

What are the social services like in NY? I don't really know how to help, but no one should be subjected to what you are experiencing and rape is no fault of yours no matter what.

tysm for the message! you're honestly helping a lot just by posting so thanks for real. I just found some stuff (see below) so hopefully things'll look up soon! i ended up staying another night with the host i talked abt :)

I'm sorry to read what you're going through, that's very fucked up... homelessness is a fucking bitch as I'm currently facing it but I'm slowly crawling my way out of it, I don't want to reccomend this because my family sucks but hopefully that isn't the case for you but are there any relatives you could stay with? You deserve a safe place to stay without worrying about a guy forcing morbid pleasure upon you, I really wish you the best... please stay vigilant!!!

thanks for the message! I think starting to keep myself safer, and i'll defs stay vigilant! family's hard, i don't rly have family near me besides my parents, and i'm where i'm at now to get away from them? so i feel you defs, that struggle's so real. how are you doing, are you in a good place? I'm so glad to hear you're improving your situation, i wish you so much luck and safety too!!

I felt so bad reading through this. You are incredibly brave and strong for sharing your story with us. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I think that you need to move to another place as soon as possible. If you do decide to report the incident, the police should be able to get you out of your current situation immediately. I do understand though if you feel uncomfortable going through that process. You do not have to press charges to receive support from the government. Please see this website for your options if you take this route: https://www1.nyc.gov/site/hra/help/domestic-violence-support.page

There is a lot of information on google about centers that provide support to women that are in your position. I came across this one through a quick google: https://winnyc.org/. There are also the various online communities (such as r/women r/rapesurvivors) that are out there.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing. We are all here for you. I hope that you move out of this place as soon as possible. You need to be living somewhere where you can feel safe and comfortable. Atleast with a shelter you will be able to escape this horrible person and begin the healing process.

Sending you love and hugs.

omg you're an absolute angel, thanks so much for this!! i contacted AVP through the link you sent so I have some places I can check out. I've left that person and I've found a place to be for now that I feel safe in, I'm currently just processing and planning my next steps. i'm so grateful for the concern and support!! it's making such a huge difference, i want to give you the biggest hug for real.

People smell vulnerability. It's fucked up. But once you've been through trauma there's just something about the way you carry yourself that says, 'victim,' and people know it. It's not so bad for men because unless you're outnumbered or someone is bigger than you they'll usually leave you alone, and it's a lot easier for us to look scary to normies. At the very least you live in a country where equalisers aren't completely illegal. If you're over eighteen, and have never been charged with a felony you should be able to pick up some pepper spray. Seriously, make an anonymous paypal account and I'll send you the fucking money if you're too broke. You sound like you need it.



I'm not going to offer advice, but can you be more clear about what your problems are? Maybe someone can help.

1. Is there a reason you're staying in NYC if the social services aren't great?

2. What's keeping you from getting a safer job? I'm not suggesting it's easy (believe me I know it isn't) just lay it out

3. What's stopping you getting out of that guy's house? Again, I'm not suggesting there's nothing. I'm saying like, what would it take for you to be able to walk out the door tomorrow?

4. Have you looked at women's shelters? Your environment is certainly abusive and there's a crap-ton cleaner and safer than homeless shelters, also a thousand times less likely for the workers to try to sexually exploit you.

You sound like you're in a state of dissociation due to PTSD. What are your anxiety levels like? Have you spoken to any rape crisis counsellors or phoned any IPV hotlines? I can hunt some from the NYC area up for you. Just don't call them when your 'housemate,' is around. Go to a library. Libraries are safe and have free internet access.

thanks guy!! i do have pepper spray actually, but thanks so much for the offer! all the worst situations happened in closed spaces tho, so i couldn't really do anything without risking getting overpowered or incapacitating myself. i'm staying in ny cause i know the area and have some friends here, and since it's really easy for me to couchsurf here. i'll have better work in the fall, but like right now i don't really have id or a legal address or anything? and tricking is just faster/higher paying for less time and gives me time to find shelter and take care of myself. work has actually been a lot less dangerous, the encounters are fast and i'm prepared for stuff so people don't try shit as much. I left tho!! I have info abt two women's shelters and a respite center, I'm trying to get a place at one of those today or tomorrow. Thanks so much for the advice! I did speak with some people, i called the rainn hotline the night stuff went down and it helped a lot. My anxiety is manageable, I'm rly tense physically which is kind of painful but that's been happening for a while. I'm still spacey and all over the place in my head, I don't think I'm registering the whole reality of what happened yet, but I'm collected enough to get stuff done.

thanks so much you guys!! this thread has helped so so much, i'm so overwhelmed and grateful. sending love to all y'all!!

 

[thomasdoyletad]

thanks guy!! i do have pepper spray actually, but thanks so much for the offer! all the worst situations happened in closed spaces tho, so i couldn't really do anything without risking getting overpowered or incapacitating myself. i'm staying in ny cause i know the area and have some friends here, and since it's really easy for me to couchsurf here. i'll have better work in the fall, but like right now i don't really have id or a legal address or anything, which a lot of jobs here need.

Spoiler: Potentially triggery advice

It's a shit situation, and knowing how to react and de-escalate is tough because what works for some is like catnip to others. Sometimes if you just deadweight people will loose interest. Sadists want you crying and struggling. Other people will think of that as a convenience. Homeless people I've spoken to say 9/10 times people will leave you alone if you piss yourself. Obviously completely gross but a hell of a lot better than being victimised.

There is some freelance work and money making channels you can do without an address. I don't know if that's your photo for example, but your makeup seems decent, I don't think you need any kind of licence to do makeup in NYC (unless you want to do something that is breaking the skin like waxing) it's not the world's easiest industry to get into, but it's something and at least it would get you into a mostly safe, positive environment for a while. Shame I can't send you my kit. God knows It's been useless to me. Another option is to set up a social media account somewhere like Quora or youtube - a vlog or blog detailing your issues - as a front for a go-fund-me. As long as you use nice photos you'd be surprised how many guys will donate especially if you're willing to talk to them. Can they be creepy? Yes, but they can't threaten or hurt you over the internet and you can always block the asseholes. It's certainly better than tricking. I'm not a big fish on social media but I have over a thousand followers on Quora and can help you get started sharing content if you have the energy to write.

plus tricking is just faster/higher paying and gives me time to find shelter and take care of myself?

Do you know the community in that area? They can be an amazing resource giving hints on how to vet clients, how to deal with troublemakers and police, how to advertise online, etc. Quora is a decent platform for contacting sex workers in the US to share that sort of information and they might be able to direct you to other resources.

it's sleeping over that's the bigger issue. I left tho!! I'm glad, I feel a lot better and wish I did it sooner tbh. I have info abt two women's shelters and a respite center, I'm trying to get a place at one of those today or tomorrow.

I can see why that would be the case, and that's great news you got away. Talking to people like RAINN will help you process things. If you can think of any specific help you need don't be afraid to let me know. I'm not a superhero and I'm not rich but I have plenty of time for fellow survivors and I do have some resources, even if you just need a greyhound ticket to a better city.

My anxiety is okay, I'm rly tense physically which is kind of painful but that's been happening for a while. I'm still sort of spacey and rambly in my head, I don't think I'm registering the whole reality of what happened yet? but I'm collected enough to get stuff done.

I hate to say this but the worst probably isn't behind you, though that doesn't mean you can't manage. Support really is the key. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Lennox]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. The other posters gave good advice. I don't know much about the reality of nyc, or the rest of the us for that matter, not from there. But as the others said, there's nothing wrong with you, you've just been unlucky in coming across all those assholes. I hope you get into a better situation soon.

 

[angelicism999]

Spoiler: Potentially triggery advice

It's a shit situation, and knowing how to react and de-escalate is tough because what works for some is like catnip to others. Sometimes if you just deadweight people will loose interest. Sadists want you crying and struggling. Other people will think of that as a convenience. Homeless people I've spoken to say 9/10 times people will leave you alone if you piss yourself. Obviously completely gross but a hell of a lot better than being victimised.

There is some freelance work and money making channels you can do without an address. I don't know if that's your photo for example, but your makeup seems decent, I don't think you need any kind of licence to do makeup in NYC (unless you want to do something that is breaking the skin like waxing) it's not the world's easiest industry to get into, but it's something and at least it would get you into a mostly safe, positive environment for a while. Shame I can't send you my kit. God knows It's been useless to me. Another option is to set up a social media account somewhere like Quora or youtube - a vlog or blog detailing your issues - as a front for a go-fund-me. As long as you use nice photos you'd be surprised how many guys will donate especially if you're willing to talk to them. Can they be creepy? Yes, but they can't threaten or hurt you over the internet and you can always block the asseholes. It's certainly better than tricking. I'm not a big fish on social media but I have over a thousand followers on Quora and can help you get started sharing content if you have the energy to write.



Do you know the community in that area? They can be an amazing resource giving hints on how to vet clients, how to deal with troublemakers and police, how to advertise online, etc. Quora is a decent platform for contacting sex workers in the US to share that sort of information and they might be able to direct you to other resources.



I can see why that would be the case, and that's great news you got away. Talking to people like RAINN will help you process things. If you can think of any specific help you need don't be afraid to let me know. I'm not a superhero and I'm not rich but I have plenty of time for fellow survivors and I do have some resources, even if you just need a greyhound ticket to a better city.



I hate to say this but the worst probably isn't behind you, though that doesn't mean you can't manage. Support really is the key. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.

this is so beyond sweet dude, thank you so much i'm looking at quora rn and it's really great, i'll check for some stuff about vetting that should help a lot! i'm a little too fried to think about the other stuff rn but they're great ideas, i'll defs try once i get someplace settled? thanks sm, guy, this is like so much effort and concern and i'm so so grateful. i hope you have good luck too!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. The other posters gave good advice. I don't know much about the reality of nyc, or the rest of the us for that matter, not from there. But as the others said, there's nothing wrong with you, you've just been unlucky in coming across all those assholes. I hope you get into a better situation soon.

omg hun this is so kind tysm thank u for hoping, i'm gonna try hard to get someplace better

 

[All an illusion]

Terrible to see what you're going through....people can really be monsters...i hope that can find peace on your journey...wherever that is.

 

[Shamana]

ThIs might be a silly suggestion, but have you thought about woofing? Its a concept where you travel and work on ecological farms for typically 4 hours a day for food and shelter. Working in nature can be really theraputic and the hosts and other young people are usually really nice. You can just google woof us.
The nature and atmosphere there is really amazing.

 

[Lady black]

Woofing is a really good idea, i tried it myself a few years ago and it helped me a lot

 

[Final Escape]

I left a bad situation in June and the one major host I had isn't available anymore so I don't really know where to go. I've been crashing with this other guy but he just wants to do it all the time and he never asks or stops when I tell him to, but I'm rly scared to say anything cause I feel he's gonna kick me out if I do. But he literally just _keeps going_ even when I'm crying out in pain or screaming no and pleading with him, he just ignores me and does whatever he wants and afterwards he'll be back to nice again or just laugh everything off as a joke. I don't know how you can act like that, it's so psycho and idk how to process it at all rn. I'm so exhausted and dissociated I've been turning into a different person from day to day, like my body doesn't even feel like my own anymore. This is the third horrible rapey situation I've gotten into this month and I'm so messed up and tired. One man straight up told me he was gonna rape me without a condom after i told him i NEEDED to be safe and he wouldn't put one on till i started crying and begging him to do literally anything else. another guy found me sobbing on a curb and legit tried to _pry my legs apart in the middle of the street_!!! I don't know what's wrong with me that guys feel so okay doing this shit to me, it's happened 4 other times in the past three years and everyone thinks it's my fault cause I'm so bad at protecting myself. I feel so so worthless, I don't have emotions anymore and I'm so stupid and spacey that i can't do anything to help my friends or be useful to anyone. It feels like this is all I have now and it's gonna keep happening over and over and no one will ever believe me. I srsly wish someone would just kill me or smth, I can't handle being treated like this again and just getting left to deal with it by myself

Omg u have to get out of that situation. This is sort of what had happened to me too before in my earlier years. It had also happened when I was briefly homeless. You have suffered boundary violations as a kid, and are attractive to abusers. I'm guessing u had been sexually abused in childhood. I probably would find a battered women's shelter and they might be able to guide u to some services.

 

[ExitTheDay]

tysm for the message! you're honestly helping a lot just by posting so thanks for real. I just found some stuff (see below) so hopefully things'll look up soon! i ended up staying another night with the host i talked abt :)



thanks for the message! I think starting to keep myself safer, and i'll defs stay vigilant! family's hard, i don't rly have family near me besides my parents, and i'm where i'm at now to get away from them? so i feel you defs, that struggle's so real. how are you doing, are you in a good place? I'm so glad to hear you're improving your situation, i wish you so much luck and safety too!!



omg you're an absolute angel, thanks so much for this!! i contacted AVP through the link you sent so I have some places I can check out. I've left that person and I've found a place to be for now that I feel safe in, I'm currently just processing and planning my next steps. i'm so grateful for the concern and support!! it's making such a huge difference, i want to give you the biggest hug for real.



thanks guy!! i do have pepper spray actually, but thanks so much for the offer! all the worst situations happened in closed spaces tho, so i couldn't really do anything without risking getting overpowered or incapacitating myself. i'm staying in ny cause i know the area and have some friends here, and since it's really easy for me to couchsurf here. i'll have better work in the fall, but like right now i don't really have id or a legal address or anything? and tricking is just faster/higher paying for less time and gives me time to find shelter and take care of myself. work has actually been a lot less dangerous, the encounters are fast and i'm prepared for stuff so people don't try shit as much. I left tho!! I have info abt two women's shelters and a respite center, I'm trying to get a place at one of those today or tomorrow. Thanks so much for the advice! I did speak with some people, i called the rainn hotline the night stuff went down and it helped a lot. My anxiety is manageable, I'm rly tense physically which is kind of painful but that's been happening for a while. I'm still spacey and all over the place in my head, I don't think I'm registering the whole reality of what happened yet, but I'm collected enough to get stuff done.

thanks so much you guys!! this thread has helped so so much, i'm so overwhelmed and grateful. sending love to all y'all!!

No problem, it may not seem like it but you will get out of this mess you are in!