Venting Im so sick and tired of this....

[Haku]

So yet again I tried to ctb prematurely, I got frustrated and I tried to slit my wrists. I didnt do another goodbye thread this time because I was worried about failure again, which I did, it's called being a fucking coward. I thought I could get so angry that the pain of slitting my wrists would be minimal, but yet again I was wrong. I'm so fucking frustrated that I might not be able to be able to get everything I need for the SN method, and of that's the case, then what's the point in waiting to die painlessly, I'll just end my life here and now, I'll fight through the pain, but I couldn't do it, I COULDN'T FUCKING DO IT! AGAIN! I'm at a loss, I'm at a fucking loss. Why can't I get a fucking break. I have so much physical and mental pain as it is, I just want my painless death. I put in the work to get my SN preparations complete, and still I am just being punished by the Universe, for no fucking reason. I just want to die painlessly.... please

 

[hobbydevil]

I'm sad to see you in so much distress.
For what it's worth, because we don't know each other, I'm glad you're still here for the time being and able to share your pain with others even though I know it feels horrible.
I'm glad you didn't die in physical pain. You're not a coward at all.

 

[Haku]

I'm sad to see you in so much distress.
For what it's worth, because we don't know each other, I'm glad you're still here for the time being and able to share your pain with others even though I know it feels horrible.
I'm glad you didn't die in physical pain. You're not a coward at all.

Thank you, I appreciate you saying that, I think I need to take a break from everything right now, I need to regroup, and try to find some way to get everything I need for my SN method. Just because I failed to ctb, prematurely, I didnt change my mind on ctb. I'm sorry I sound like an asshole right now, my pride is just hurt a bit. I'm usually a nice guy. I hope after a few days away from the forum, when I come back, i hope your still around, I would like to get to know you, you seem like a nice person.

 

[hobbydevil]

Thank you, I appreciate you saying that, I think I need to take a break from everything right now, I need to regroup, and try to find some way to get everything I need for my SN method. Just because I failed to ctb, prematurely, I didnt change my mind on ctb. I'm sorry I sound like an asshole right now, my pride is just hurt a bit. I'm usually a nice guy. I hope after a few days away from the forum, when I come back, i hope your still around, I would like to get to know you, you seem like a nice person.

You don't sound like an asshole.
I want to die too, so I understand. I can also relate to the rest - it's stressful to be on this site too much without having the means or time to end it yet. It makes me want to rush it, too. I hardly know how to distract myself these days.

I'll be around until February next year probably. :)

 

[Inferdan]

So yet again I tried to ctb prematurely, I got frustrated and I tried to slit my wrists. I didnt do another goodbye thread this time because I was worried about failure again, which I did, it's called being a fucking coward. I thought I could get so angry that the pain of slitting my wrists would be minimal, but yet again I was wrong. I'm so fucking frustrated that I might not be able to be able to get everything I need for the SN method, and of that's the case, then what's the point in waiting to die painlessly, I'll just end my life here and now, I'll fight through the pain, but I couldn't do it, I COULDN'T FUCKING DO IT! AGAIN! I'm at a loss, I'm at a fucking loss. Why can't I get a fucking break. I have so much physical and mental pain as it is, I just want my painless death. I put in the work to get my SN preparations complete, and still I am just being punished by the Universe, for no fucking reason. I just want to die painlessly.... please

Your no coward, you've tried multiple times, even though it hurts. That's dedication, and I applaud you for that. Maybe your rushing, maybe take a breather, and get everything together at your own pace. Also, may I ask, did you cut yourself correctly?

 

[Neverod]

Not a coward, don't say that. I have seen a lot of comments and threads you post, helping others and interacting with them, you are a good person, or well, by my thought you are, don't beat yourself up, the last mile is the hardest one always, you'll get your end if that's what you wish.

 

[Haku]

You don't sound like an asshole.
I want to die too, so I understand. I can also relate to the rest - it's stressful to be on this site too much without having the means or time to end it yet. It makes me want to rush it, too. I hardly know how to distract myself these days.

I'll be around until February next year probably. :)

Ok great, I dont have a set day, but I originally plan to ctb no later than December 15th of this year. And in a way it is stressful to be on the forum, but it is actually the least stressful place for me, my life outside the forum is more stressful, but, I kind of have feelings for another member, which is another story for another time, but yea, this person is kind of why I feel like I want to ctb faster, but before I met this person I wanted to ctb anyway, she is not the reason for it, just the reason for the quicker escape, if that makes sense.

Your no coward, you've tried multiple times, even though it hurts. That's dedication, and I applaud you for that. Maybe your rushing, maybe take a breather, and get everything together at your own pace. Also, may I ask, did you cut yourself correctly?

Horizontally yes, but that wasnt the problem, I wasnt drunk or anything, and so I barely broke skin, and not being drunk, I can feel the pain more, so that's why I didnt go through with it. I was so frustrated that I was hoping that anger will make the pain more bearable, but I was wrong, it wasn't.

Not a coward, don't say that. I have seen a lot of comments and threads you post, helping others and interacting with them, you are a good person, or well, by my thought you are, don't beat yourself up, the last mile is the hardest one always, you'll get your end if that's what you wish.

Thank you, I hope I get my painless end, but the Universe always screws with me, so who knows for sure, it's always been cruel to me, if you believe in that sort of thing.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Haku, you are not a coward. You are just afraid. You don't want extra pain, you don't want extra grief. You don't need that. Take a break, breathe and rethink. You will find your way. I understand it can get frustrating and you just want to go NOW, but sometimes the circumstances change the decision or cause you to fail and I never want to see you suffer.

All my love..... x

 

[Haku]

Well, this is where I take my leave for a bit, thank you to those that commented on the thread, i really appreciate your words of kindness, and to those that read the thread and comment later, I'm sorry if I dont comment right away, I will be taking a break from the forum for a few days, and I will reply once I come back from my small hiatus. I need to use this time away to purge my mind, and set myself back to default. So yea, talk to you later.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're struggling. It's very frustrating when our bodies are so determined to defend themselves regardless of what our minds and feelings want - and that they're so well-equipped to defend themselves. Pain, SI, panic don't make you a coward. Your body's just carrying out ancient orders.

I wish you positive outcomes from your hiatus. x

 

[Stan]

Haku, I hope you can find a bit of peace for yourself today, sit and think how you can achieve your goal by not giving yourself pain. I know that is easier said than done. We are here for you.

 

[Jean4]

We love you @Haku and will always be here for you. Don't forget how loved you are here and wanted.