Venting I'm so scared, confused and wanting to end it all

[Brayu]

I don't wanna be weak this time, I can't go wrong.
I have a hard time understanding if this can really kill me or will it mark me as a potential suicide for the rest of my life...

I always go near the castor bean to harvest the seeds, but I end up losing my nerve (it seems like I'm being watched, because it's a public place and it's another neighborhood).

But my idea would be to use antiesthemic (Meto) and chew about 12 seeds... but I'm afraid it won't work and be found out sooner (and they discover the poisoning and ask me questions).

Would that have any chance of working? The problem is, I don't live alone either!

My physical health is almost perfect (except for a potential cardiac arrhythmia according to the EKG - due to covid).

I'm bipolar and I've lost a lot of people this year, way beyond what I can handle (rationally even if I go through this, I'm afraid to go through these griefs other times, because the grief for a bipolar is very complicated).

Just remembering my grandmother and my ex-girlfriend... sometimes I fantasize that I'm going to die soon and that I don't need CTB, but that won't happen.

Tenho 23 anos, passei por traumas este ano (dores, agressões, a própria crise bipolar, vários problemas pessoais). Mas hoje ainda tenho alguns amigos com quem posso desabafar, quando eu tiver mais de 30 anos será mais difícil (ninguém vai ouvir o lamento de um homem de meia-idade, certo?)

Every week I have migraine attacks from stress... my psychologist and my psychiatrist primate that this would pass (I trust them, but this crisis is much heavier than the others)

My ex-girlfriend died at the age of 20 and she liked to live, I feel so bad about trying to die, while those who wanted to live couldn't. I'm also haunted by the idea that one day someone will cry for me (but maybe now is the right time, because at least my family will have all the support in the world).

 

[RazzleDazzle]

The problem is that there's no accurate way to tell how much ricin is actually being ingested. Just chewing on the beans won't necessarily extract it, and there's no way to tell how much is in each bean since it's a natural product. And the thing with ricin is, there's no antidote and it causes organ damage. So there's a pretty high chance of surviving but having permanent damage to internal organs.

It's not weak to take your time and explore all of your options. If it's the right thing to do, it'll be the right thing to do a month from now. I know how awful it is to live under constant stress and the physical and mental damage that it causes, I'm breaking down physically and mentally too. It's hard. But a rash action can cause a lot more stress and pain. Sending hugs.

 

[dyingalone123]

Same here. I'm scare and I don't know what to do