Venting I'm so pathetic it's painful, I feel like I'm going crazy

[ropeburns&migranes]

Ever since my last suicide attend 2 years ago my parents have been much more relaxed on me. Saying stuff like "Take it one day at a time.", "We'll support you no matter what.", or "Just enjoy life." and I'm grateful that they're so supportive. I have a friend who is suicidal and they're not so lucky so why do I still want to kill myself? I keep asking myself this I feel like I'm going insane in my echo chamber head. Stupid survival instinct? Guilt? Cowardness? A bit of everything? I don't want to kill myself but I have to... My life is great, right? So why am I so shitty? I deserve to die, I add no value to this world, I can no longer feel joy or happiness no matter what I do. When I do something I feel shitty, when I don't do something I feel shitty. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome in this world and it's trying to get rid of me but my nervous system refuses. If there's a higher being please, just let me die already. The guilt of using up my parents' resources and even taking up space is eating me alive. I can't enjoy anything anymore. The only comfort I feel is from eating but even that is a fleeting comfort as I know I'll have to vomit it out later. I have to. I keep starving then indulging, then feeling shameful and guilty all over again. I wish I could be one of those people who can starve themselves to death.
It's been 2 fucking years. I have to at least try again. I have no idea how SN works so I just bought a rope. I bought it a while ago. Whenever I remember it I think about how people will find me, how my family will react, but also the relief I would feel to finally be free and freeing my family's burden they've been conditioned to love. But what about my pets? I'm a real piece of shit for getting them knowing I want to kill myself. I'm so fucking selfish. Someone please just kill me. This is starting to sound like a pity party isn't it? There's only one way to fix it...

 

[Jon Arbuckle]

Ever since my last suicide attend 2 years ago my parents have been much more relaxed on me. Saying stuff like "Take it one day at a time.", "We'll support you no matter what.", or "Just enjoy life." and I'm grateful that they're so supportive. I have a friend who is suicidal and they're not so lucky so why do I still want to kill myself? I keep asking myself this I feel like I'm going insane in my echo chamber head. Stupid survival instinct? Guilt? Cowardness? A bit of everything? I don't want to kill myself but I have to... My life is great, right? So why am I so shitty? I deserve to die, I add no value to this world, I can no longer feel joy or happiness no matter what I do. When I do something I feel shitty, when I don't do something I feel shitty. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome in this world and it's trying to get rid of me but my nervous system refuses. If there's a higher being please, just let me die already. The guilt of using up my parents' resources and even taking up space is eating me alive. I can't enjoy anything anymore. The only comfort I feel is from eating but even that is a fleeting comfort as I know I'll have to vomit it out later. I have to. I keep starving then indulging, then feeling shameful and guilty all over again. I wish I could be one of those people who can starve themselves to death.
It's been 2 fucking years. I have to at least try again. I have no idea how SN works so I just bought a rope. I bought it a while ago. Whenever I remember it I think about how people will find me, how my family will react, but also the relief I would feel to finally be free and freeing my family's burden they've been conditioned to love. But what about my pets? I'm a real piece of shit for getting them knowing I want to kill myself. I'm so fucking selfish. Someone please just kill me. This is starting to sound like a pity party isn't it? There's only one way to fix it...

Yeah I relate a lot to how you feel, feeling like a burden on your parents, not enjoying anything anymore…it's fucking miserable. I hope you can find relief.

 

[skylight7]

Ever since my last suicide attend 2 years ago my parents have been much more relaxed on me. Saying stuff like "Take it one day at a time.", "We'll support you no matter what.", or "Just enjoy life." and I'm grateful that they're so supportive. I have a friend who is suicidal and they're not so lucky so why do I still want to kill myself? I keep asking myself this I feel like I'm going insane in my echo chamber head. Stupid survival instinct? Guilt? Cowardness? A bit of everything? I don't want to kill myself but I have to... My life is great, right? So why am I so shitty? I deserve to die, I add no value to this world, I can no longer feel joy or happiness no matter what I do. When I do something I feel shitty, when I don't do something I feel shitty. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome in this world and it's trying to get rid of me but my nervous system refuses. If there's a higher being please, just let me die already. The guilt of using up my parents' resources and even taking up space is eating me alive. I can't enjoy anything anymore. The only comfort I feel is from eating but even that is a fleeting comfort as I know I'll have to vomit it out later. I have to. I keep starving then indulging, then feeling shameful and guilty all over again. I wish I could be one of those people who can starve themselves to death.
It's been 2 fucking years. I have to at least try again. I have no idea how SN works so I just bought a rope. I bought it a while ago. Whenever I remember it I think about how people will find me, how my family will react, but also the relief I would feel to finally be free and freeing my family's burden they've been conditioned to love. But what about my pets? I'm a real piece of shit for getting them knowing I want to kill myself. I'm so fucking selfish. Someone please just kill me. This is starting to sound like a pity party isn't it? There's only one way to fix it...

I understand. I am struggling with being here myself.