Venting Im so lost

[ppoyyx]

I really wanted to take time and fully say everything i need to vent but even venting became so hard for me. Im at the bottom of my motivation.

So basically i'm a high school student (IM LEGAL IM NOT A MINOR OKAY) and i'm home schooled. This year and next year are my final exams which also means i'm in the middle of my exams right now and also at the worst of my motivation/sanity (i repeated one class after dropping out of school during half a year because of mental health, thats why i still have one year of high school after this one)

During this whole year i've been stuck because of lack of motivation caused by multiple factors : My mental health being at its worst made me lose all hopes for my future, i have no idea what i want to do after i graduate high school, all this resulting to aggravate my suicidal thoughts i have since a long time before.
It means that this whole year i've been planning on CBT, being i wouldnt go back on my decision, leading to the fact that i didnt study at all the whole year.

This whole year for me has just been full of lies to my parents and my psychiatrists, pretending i was fine, that i was doing well in school (my parents trusted me and never checked if i actually got good grades). I was so convinced that by the end of my school year (July) i would be dead and my parents would move on, with our lovely golden retriever that brought so much joy to me for the past year. ( At first i promised myself i wouldnt cbt before both my bunny and dog were dead, that i would love them until the end of their lives but depression got the best of me..)

I really feel guilty now, looking back, because of all those lies. I wanted to not worry anyone but i did worse because they will find out.
I'm currently in a state that i'm barely managing to pass my exams (im trying to stay positive but school and exams, everything related to my future is one of my main source of anxiety and breakdowns) luckily my most important subjects are next year which means if i don't do so good this year i can sacrifice my next year to all my studies. If i went to fail my graduation i would feel so horrible to my parents, i really love them but i just lied to them to whole year. I don't wanna confess to them about how my mental health has been this whole year, it will cause so much more guilt and worries to them, plus my little brother is also struggling very hard at school but because of dyslexia and all the loot of trouble of attention and all. Helping my brother is already a lot of efforts for my parents, i don't want to be an hassle for them. I can't even concentrate in school, i just burst into tears when i try to concentrate more than 5 minutes, even tho i used to always do well in school..

But what i suffer the most rn is my unbearable instability of suicidal thoughts. One moment i feel pretty decent, trying to be positive, then 2 minutes later i'm on the verge of cbt crying for hours straight, then i go back to "it's okay, just live the moment, you'll see how things will turn out", then desperately crying looking for a reason to live because i don't wanna leave my parents, not in such a situation. And all this path has been going non-stop H24 7/7 for the past week, and will probably dont stop.

I really hesitated going to see my therapist as an emergency but it will be the same as talking to my parents: my psychiatric will call my parents and eventually put me in hospital until my state gets more stable. I think the worst in this situation is that, no matter how bad i suffer i can't bring myself to die neither call for help. I'm just terribly lost and frozen.
I'm also just feeling like i'm overexagerating and i don't deserve to complain about whatever. I just have this voice in my mind telling me again and again this is all my fault for lying to my parents and psychiatrist. I don't even know what i personally want, even imagining a future where i get over all those troubles and live a normal life isnt interesting me.

Im so lost, even writing this made me want to give a try and also just stop living at this instant. I have no idea of my future and this is so stressing.

 

[necrolatry]

I know it's easier said than done, but faulting yourself now won't make matters any better. If your parents care this much about you, which is what I infer, it's worse to keep them in the dark about this/straight up lying to them. I don't know your parents, but hopefully they'd be understanding if you brought this matter up and explain that you haven't been doing as well as you pretended and that you are in need of help. Lies are forgivable, but less so if you don't correct them yourself. And you can make it clear that you just didn't want them to worry about you but figured it was the wrong thing to do. And if you don't want to 'disappoint' your parents or leave them alone because of CTB - then don't. Things are difficult, sure. But you can work on them and hopefully your parents and others can assist you. If you truly want it you can probably have this situation resolved. Also, I wouldn't worry so much about future aspects. A lot of people don't have a clear prospect of what to do or pursue after school and that's okay. In your case, take some time to recover, figure out things you might like/that interest you and that you want to pursue in life. Just because you don't know anything right now doesn't mean you'll never know.

I've been in a similar spot before and being straightforward with the people affected rather than continue to spinning the story and telling myself if it gets too bad I will just CTB my way out (which I never did) definitely helped. Hence my encouragement to do the same

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really tiring what you are going through and your feelings are valid, I don't even think it was wrong to lie about what you are going through as I think it makes existing much worse if others are aware that you want to ctb, ending up in a psych ward sounds so horrible to me. I think that it's always a terrible idea being open about wanting to ctb but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[SpiderLink]

I really wanted to take time and fully say everything i need to vent but even venting became so hard for me. Im at the bottom of my motivation.

So basically i'm a high school student (IM LEGAL IM NOT A MINOR OKAY) and i'm home schooled. This year and next year are my final exams which also means i'm in the middle of my exams right now and also at the worst of my motivation/sanity (i repeated one class after dropping out of school during half a year because of mental health, thats why i still have one year of high school after this one)

During this whole year i've been stuck because of lack of motivation caused by multiple factors : My mental health being at its worst made me lose all hopes for my future, i have no idea what i want to do after i graduate high school, all this resulting to aggravate my suicidal thoughts i have since a long time before.
It means that this whole year i've been planning on CBT, being i wouldnt go back on my decision, leading to the fact that i didnt study at all the whole year.

This whole year for me has just been full of lies to my parents and my psychiatrists, pretending i was fine, that i was doing well in school (my parents trusted me and never checked if i actually got good grades). I was so convinced that by the end of my school year (July) i would be dead and my parents would move on, with our lovely golden retriever that brought so much joy to me for the past year. ( At first i promised myself i wouldnt cbt before both my bunny and dog were dead, that i would love them until the end of their lives but depression got the best of me..)

I really feel guilty now, looking back, because of all those lies. I wanted to not worry anyone but i did worse because they will find out.
I'm currently in a state that i'm barely managing to pass my exams (im trying to stay positive but school and exams, everything related to my future is one of my main source of anxiety and breakdowns) luckily my most important subjects are next year which means if i don't do so good this year i can sacrifice my next year to all my studies. If i went to fail my graduation i would feel so horrible to my parents, i really love them but i just lied to them to whole year. I don't wanna confess to them about how my mental health has been this whole year, it will cause so much more guilt and worries to them, plus my little brother is also struggling very hard at school but because of dyslexia and all the loot of trouble of attention and all. Helping my brother is already a lot of efforts for my parents, i don't want to be an hassle for them. I can't even concentrate in school, i just burst into tears when i try to concentrate more than 5 minutes, even tho i used to always do well in school..

But what i suffer the most rn is my unbearable instability of suicidal thoughts. One moment i feel pretty decent, trying to be positive, then 2 minutes later i'm on the verge of cbt crying for hours straight, then i go back to "it's okay, just live the moment, you'll see how things will turn out", then desperately crying looking for a reason to live because i don't wanna leave my parents, not in such a situation. And all this path has been going non-stop H24 7/7 for the past week, and will probably dont stop.

I really hesitated going to see my therapist as an emergency but it will be the same as talking to my parents: my psychiatric will call my parents and eventually put me in hospital until my state gets more stable. I think the worst in this situation is that, no matter how bad i suffer i can't bring myself to die neither call for help. I'm just terribly lost and frozen.
I'm also just feeling like i'm overexagerating and i don't deserve to complain about whatever. I just have this voice in my mind telling me again and again this is all my fault for lying to my parents and psychiatrist. I don't even know what i personally want, even imagining a future where i get over all those troubles and live a normal life isnt interesting me.

Im so lost, even writing this made me want to give a try and also just stop living at this instant. I have no idea of my future and this is so stressing.

You may have heard this before, but school isn't everything. School will end, it's painful, I know trust me, I just finished high school a year ago.. I was even debating wether I'd drop out at grade 10, but I'm glad I didn't. Here's the thing, when it comes to suicidal thoughts, when I first received help, I was scared to be hospitalized for just mentioning anything with suicide, but it's not always the case. Unless you say to them "I'm gonna kill myself in a couple hours", then they'll hospitalize you…. On your 6th slide, if u haven't I'd recommend telling your psychiatrist that. But telling them you're fine all the time, won't be helpful for them to help you and it must be hard lying when your not okay (I do the same, not with my doctor tho), be honest. If writing helps u express how u feel easier then u can do that, I think this message u should show to your doctor. With things you want to cut out, I think it's important. Even if u do get hospitalized if your doc thinks you're in danger, it's not a bad thing. That's my take. I'm sorry you're struggling tho, and I feel u, it's tough. Please feel free to DM me, I'm here if u want to talk. I hope this message helps.

 

[ppoyyx]

You may have heard this before, but school isn't everything. School will end, it's painful, I know trust me, I just finished high school a year ago.. I was even debating wether I'd drop out at grade 10, but I'm glad I didn't. Here's the thing, when it comes to suicidal thoughts, when I first received help, I was scared to be hospitalized for just mentioning anything with suicide, but it's not always the case. Unless you say to them "I'm gonna kill myself in a couple hours", then they'll hospitalize you…. On your 6th slide, if u haven't I'd recommend telling your psychiatrist that. But telling them you're fine all the time, won't be helpful for them to help you and it must be hard lying when your not okay (I do the same, not with my doctor tho), be honest. If writing helps u express how u feel easier then u can do that, I think this message u should show to your doctor. With things you want to cut out, I think it's important. Even if u do get hospitalized if your doc thinks you're in danger, it's not a bad thing. That's my take. I'm sorry you're struggling tho, and I feel u, it's tough. Please feel free to DM me, I'm here if u want to talk. I hope this message helps.

Thank you very much ! My DMs are also open if you (or anyone checking this) feel like talking/venting.

Concerning hospitals, I've experienced psych ward hospitalisations before when i was a teen and i had the luck to go in a very heart whelming and safe clinic. So i'm not very scared of hospitalization itself (well even tho i'm an adult now and my psychiatrist told me that the teen section and the adult section were "two opposite worlds" which scares me a bit). I'm just reticent about it because i don't wanna make my parents feel like they failed their parental figure, role, or neglected me. That's all, i think. The first time i went into psych ward, during those rare days of the week they could visit me (the clinic i was doesn't allow often visits, for the sake of the patients and safety reasons cause it was during the pandemic) i screamed on them, i forgot why tho, and i made my mom tear up (it shocked me deeply because i only saw her cry once or twice in my entire life, only during hard time for her [her cancer chemotherapy and my grandpa's terrible health/death ) and i think that's when i started considering more how my mental state could negatively impact them.

And about writing, i've considered it, just sparing some of my time writing a whole page, or a whole novel if needed, about everything i have to say and give it to my parents or to my psychiatrist if i can't bring myself to directly show them without her "opinion" on it. But now that you mentioned this option too, it gives me more courage to do it.