Venting i’m so lonely

[imalreadyd3ad]

hi all, i'm "new" to this site and i mean i was here on 2019/2020 and then i had to fight for so many things but i never forgot the love and care i received here.
since then, things got worse, my dad passed away two years ago and since he left i can't find reasons to live and depression is getting worse. i promised him i'll finish university but i'm not even doing exams anymore,
I keep putting off exams, feeling anxious because they'll soon realize that I'm no longer able to study.
I'm not as well off as other people who attend my university, I see them doing their exams on time and even in a few days, I see them celebrating in all things. I, on the other hand, no longer find meaning, I live with the fear of death, but at the same time I would like to stop living. very often I don't even remember the names of things or people and I believe that all this came following the last depressive episode in which I spent 8 months in bed sleeping, I didn't wash myself and I never wanted to eat, I just went by of chocolate.
my ex occasionally gets in touch with me and pretends to be my friend, in reality she always finds a perfect excuse to tell me how beautiful her life is since her boyfriend is with her.
while I don't even have two friends in my life, i struggle in doing friendships and in university they laugh at me every time. also, if you have a friend in university studying will be also easier. my love life has been always bad and no girl has ever loved me, including her.
they only used me.
I spend most of my time alone at home and if it weren't for that video game that still keeps me alive (Fortnite) I would feel completely useless.
I have no friends, I can't make friends anymore and the people in my city have turned out to be opportunists. one day they say hi to you and the other day they pretend that they don't even see you.
How much I would like to just have a trusted friend, but I know I will always be alone.
I'm not afraid of death, if I'm the one who has to die, I really wish there was a faster method than SN and i wish i'm able to ctb in september before going back to university

 

[kyhoti]

University is decades in the past for me, but I remember the feelings of hopelessness etc. The choice is up to you. You have that freedom, whether you know it or not.

I chose to throw middle fingers in the air and give it a go. My time is now up, for better or worse. I can say, "At least I made a run." Best of luck to you.

 

[Lost Magic]

I know exactly how you feel. People can betray you in ways that cut to the bone. Try to concentrate on yourself and your studies (at least for now). I had to learn to discipline myself to stay away from toxic types. It's not easy but staying alone is better than cheap friends who don't care about you.

 

[imalreadyd3ad]

University is decades in the past for me, but I remember the feelings of hopelessness etc. The choice is up to you. You have that freedom, whether you know it or not.

I chose to throw middle fingers in the air and give it a go. My time is now up, for better or worse. I can say, "At least I made a run." Best of luck to you.

i don't know what is the best for me but i promised him i'll finish it and i want to be able to do that.
but its not that easy to do since my mind always think to ctb

I know exactly how you feel. People can betray you in ways that cut to the bone. Try to concentrate on yourself and your studies (at least for now). I had to learn to discipline myself to stay away from toxic types. It's not easy but staying alone is better than cheap friends who don't care about you.

i honestly needed to hear this today, i needed someone who tells me that i have to focus on myself and my studies.
thank you so much
every time i tell to myself that its the last time i allow someone toxic into my life but when they need me i'm always there just because i know the pain of being always alone and forgot. even though i love being alone i hate feeling so lonely.
i'm sending you so many hugs

 

[Cress]

I can relate it a lot to your struggles. I have a neurological condition that's heating away and my arms legs and face and it's basically destroyed my career opportunities. I can barely go outside because of the strain the outside world puts on my body. Lost lost usage of my right arm for about a year had to go to physical therapy to regain usage of it. My life's been reduced to staying at home in my apartment in front of my computer most of the day Or just sleeping insane amounts.

Sorry to hear about the passing of your father I should say two years is a relatively short amount of time and apparently you can't always recover very fast with those types of things. I had a cousin that I knew since he was about 4 years old He was like a surrogate little brother unfortunately we drifted away the past couple years and he took his own life by jumping in front of a train 8 months ago.

It's devastated and affected me more than anything else that I've experienced up till now.

Is your profile picture of your fortnite character? It kinda reminds me of a final fantasy 14 character when I initially saw it. I can only ever use a fight stick Or track ball mouse to play games at the moment So it has somewhat limited me. However there's still many many games I can play with these limitations and I'm a pretty big fan of retro video games and movies. It's one of the few things that's kept me alive so far as it's the only thing left in this world that I still consider magical.

Anyway if you want to talk more My DMS are always open to anybody.