Venting i’m so heartbroken

[rue]

i just want... i don't even know what i want. more than anything i would want to wake up as a child again. i just miss it. bitterly. it breaks my heart i can't go back. i was such a sweet child and everything was easier. i don't know what i grew up for. if i could just constantly relive it. i wish that's what the afterlife would be like for me. i want to not even know that i'm dead just think this is how it's always been. sleeping in bed with my mom, playing with my friends. no broken mind or body. no need to think too much. always safe. idek what i'm rambling for i'm gonna try to ctb by hanging in my closet tomorrow night and i'm just crying thinking how it all turned out this way. i just want to be 5 again and curl up in bed with my mom. contrasts with lonely coward death in a fucking closet in the dark and im just crying. it hurts for the first time in a very fresh childlike way, the way kids cry. no one's gonna be with me, i'm gonna be alone and scared. it's so funny and so fucking sad. i just wish i could die hugging my mom that's about it. why do things have to be so complicated. i'm still just a child in my head and i just want to be safe but this is the only way. i'm just very mentally and physically ill and i'm so tired i wish there was a rest stop for me forever. i don't deserve this. i didn't deserve this. i'm so sad. i need rest, i'm tired of suffering. it never gets better. i wish euthanasia was available for me so i could die like i want to, like all of us deserve to, like all humans have a right to. not like this, not in a fucking closet. what the hell...

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm sorry it comes to this, and I'm sorry the way out is not as peaceful as we might wish. Please do not act irreversibly in a crisis.

Your pain stands in contrast to mine. I cannot think of anything much worse than being a child or sleeping in my mother's arms.

 

[pole]

i just want... i don't even know what i want. more than anything i would want to wake up as a child again. i just miss it. bitterly. it breaks my heart i can't go back. i was such a sweet child and everything was easier. i don't know what i grew up for. if i could just constantly relive it. i wish that's what the afterlife would be like for me. i want to not even know that i'm dead just think this is how it's always been. sleeping in bed with my mom, playing with my friends. no broken mind or body. no need to think too much. always safe. idek what i'm rambling for i'm gonna try to ctb by hanging in my closet tomorrow night and i'm just crying thinking how it all turned out this way. i just want to be 5 again and curl up in bed with my mom. contrasts with lonely coward death in a fucking closet in the dark and im just crying. it hurts for the first time in a very fresh childlike way, the way kids cry. no one's gonna be with me, i'm gonna be alone and scared. it's so funny and so fucking sad. i just wish i could die hugging my mom that's about it. why do things have to be so complicated. i'm still just a child in my head and i just want to be safe but this is the only way. i'm just very mentally and physically ill and i'm so tired i wish there was a rest stop for me forever. i don't deserve this. i didn't deserve this. i'm so sad. i need rest, i'm tired of suffering. it never gets better. i wish euthanasia was available for me so i could die like i want to, like all of us deserve to, like all humans have a right to. not like this, not in a fucking closet. what the hell...

jesus, im so sorry for what you're going through. ironically, it was just yesterday i was out with childhood friends and we were talking about how it was just yesterday that it seemed like we were literally kids; and how i'm afraid of growing up and even wanting to get older. every birthday is fricken devstating for me to celebrate. iv never celebrated my birthdays. and turning 20 this year scares the life out of me. i still act and literally feel like im like 15. the only thing that even remotely calms me down is knowing i wont be alive till im like 23 or 25. im definitely not trying to get any older and just endure any more of the struggles.

it seems like you're mom's an important support system of yours and that's amazing. is she still relatively active in you're life and are you with her alot?

I often just cry thinking back about me when i was a kid. just me then, versus me now. happy and joyful, and now. I wonder how pathetic the younger me must think of me as. jesus, i never expected to be like this thinking about it and it makes me feel even more sadder.

hope you find peace.