Help I’m so fucking scared, could use some nice words

[moonchild]

Mostly need to vent, but some encouragement or perspective would be much appreciated.

I was prepared to ctb last week. Everything is ready, except me apparently. I can't tell what it is, delusional hope maybe. Most of all it just feels so deeply unfair that I have to die, just because the circumstances around be are bad, if that makes sense?

So yeah, now I've been contemplating asking my parents for help, even if we don't have the best relationship. I royally fucked up this whole semester, have taken 0 credits. I can only afford one more rent. I have no income and nothing lined up. I KNOW it could be a lot worse. I'm almost certain my dad would be willing to pay my rent until I manage to get myself on benefits or something, so I'm not going to end up on the streets.

But I feel so deeply ashamed. And I'm so scared. There's so much adult stuff I need to do on my own, like sort out benefits, apply for jobs, seek some professional help again so they can say I'm too unstable to work (and maybe actually help me but I don't know). I think I'm going to try submitting my bachelor's thesis on time (in two weeks). It won't make a whole lot of difference, but I think I'd feel better about myself if I manage.

All this requires asking for help and showing myself vulnerable and being in contact with different types of government people, all of which are things I absolutely hate. And I've spent the last six months just lying in bed, I'm not a functional adult. I'm scared I won't be able to hold on to this tiny glimmer of hope, that it's just temporary and that next week I'll be back to planning the date. I have no idea what I'm doing. I bought my SN in January. I thought I'd be dead by now. And now I'm thinking maybe I could last the summer at least. But I'm so exhausted. It was easier when I was certain I'd ctb soon, now I just feel stuck in limbo not even knowing what I want. And I'm scared there's not enough fight left in me to pull through and sort my life out, even if part of me kind of wants to. Or worse, I put in all the effort and it ends up shit anyway.

I keep thinking that as long as I have my SN I could go at anytime, so why not try? Which is true I guess, but it also makes me feel like, why even put myself through all this when I have a better, easier and quicker option right here?

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're struggling, @moonchild. I would encourage you to let your father help you, if he can, and to turn your thesis in, since you say it would improve your self-esteem.

The pandemic has thrown so many people so off course that I think it's a good moment to admit to needing some help (financial and/or therapeutic). And as you note you have an exit available, so you can safely put off your decision and reassess in a month or two.

One reason to "put myself through all this" might be "because that's what I came here for". I bought a ticket to this amusement park and I should try as many of the rides and atmospheres as I can before I leave.

Maybe? (((Hug)))

 

[timf]

Oppressive circumstances can feel like walls closing in and quench any feeling of hope. Those of us who are older and have gone through such circumstantial contractions in the past, have the knowledge that they can be overcome. However, younger people who do not have this experiential knowledge can be overwhelmed.

Sometimes consideration of a hypothetical situation can help push back feeling of immanent doom. One exercise might be to consider a situation where one exists with no resources whatsoever such as appearing naked on a street somewhere. With no family, friends, food, clothing, or shelter, the only option would be to approach a house and ask if they had any work you could do like cleaning their garage.

They would probably call the police who would then take you into custody and determine what to do with you. This might involve calling social services and having them provide you with housing and food. In the past, churches had a reputation for providing help to those in need.

This isn't to recommend a particular course of action, but to visualize a sort of "worst case" situation that, if seen as tolerable, can make the oppressive gloom of present circumstance seem less foreboding.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

My situation is exactly the same, only that I do not go to college. I despise bureaucracy and do not want to deal with government agencies. There are jobs I could apply to, but I'm simply lacking the motivation. I hoped that running out of savings would motivate me, but it didn't.

I'm six full fridges away from running out of money, and health insurance bills piling up.
.
I could sell my apartment, but I fear I would just live the same life for three to five more years and end up in the same place

 

[moonchild]

I'm sorry you're struggling, @moonchild. I would encourage you to let your father help you, if he can, and to turn your thesis in, since you say it would improve your self-esteem.

The pandemic has thrown so many people so off course that I think it's a good moment to admit to needing some help (financial and/or therapeutic). And as you note you have an exit available, so you can safely put off your decision and reassess in a month or two.

One reason to "put myself through all this" might be "because that's what I came here for". I bought a ticket to this amusement park and I should try as many of the rides and atmospheres as I can before I leave.

Maybe? (((Hug)))

You have a point about it possibly being a good time right now. Regarding the amusement park: it's more like my parents forced me to come along against my will and all the rides so far have been bad, but I suppose it's quite a big amusement park so there could maybe still be one or two good rides here somewhere lol.

Oppressive circumstances can feel like walls closing in and quench any feeling of hope. Those of us who are older and have gone through such circumstantial contractions in the past, have the knowledge that they can be overcome. However, younger people who do not have this experiential knowledge can be overwhelmed.

Sometimes consideration of a hypothetical situation can help push back feeling of immanent doom. One exercise might be to consider a situation where one exists with no resources whatsoever such as appearing naked on a street somewhere. With no family, friends, food, clothing, or shelter, the only option would be to approach a house and ask if they had any work you could do like cleaning their garage.

They would probably call the police who would then take you into custody and determine what to do with you. This might involve calling social services and having them provide you with housing and food. In the past, churches had a reputation for providing help to those in need.

This isn't to recommend a particular course of action, but to visualize a sort of "worst case" situation that, if seen as tolerable, can make the oppressive gloom of present circumstance seem less foreboding.

Yeah, I suppose that is often the case, that it feels overwhelming. I've never thought of using the worst case scenario as a motivator like that. I think my worst case scenario is mostly about being financially dependant on my parents and moving in with either of them, and then being stuck and feeling ashamed of that. Which is bad, especially considering none of them are good people, but not a situation I couldn't ever get out of.

My situation is exactly the same, only that I do not go to college. I despise bureaucracy and do not want to deal with government agencies. There are jobs I could apply to, but I'm simply lacking the motivation. I hoped that running out of savings would motivate me, but it didn't.

I'm six full fridges away from running out of money, and health insurance bills piling up.
.
I could sell my apartment, but I fear I would just live the same life for three to five more years and end up in the same place

Would be good if it could've been a motivation to apply for jobs. I used to think running out of savings would make me more eager to ctb, but I've been mostly indifferent about it. Until now I guess, ironically. Now that I need some good motivation, my financial situation makes me even less motivated to even try to fix things.

 

[madbananas]

Mostly need to vent, but some encouragement or perspective would be much appreciated.

I was prepared to ctb last week. Everything is ready, except me apparently. I can't tell what it is, delusional hope maybe. Most of all it just feels so deeply unfair that I have to die, just because the circumstances around be are bad, if that makes sense?

So yeah, now I've been contemplating asking my parents for help, even if we don't have the best relationship. I royally fucked up this whole semester, have taken 0 credits. I can only afford one more rent. I have no income and nothing lined up. I KNOW it could be a lot worse. I'm almost certain my dad would be willing to pay my rent until I manage to get myself on benefits or something, so I'm not going to end up on the streets.

But I feel so deeply ashamed. And I'm so scared. There's so much adult stuff I need to do on my own, like sort out benefits, apply for jobs, seek some professional help again so they can say I'm too unstable to work (and maybe actually help me but I don't know). I think I'm going to try submitting my bachelor's thesis on time (in two weeks). It won't make a whole lot of difference, but I think I'd feel better about myself if I manage.

All this requires asking for help and showing myself vulnerable and being in contact with different types of government people, all of which are things I absolutely hate. And I've spent the last six months just lying in bed, I'm not a functional adult. I'm scared I won't be able to hold on to this tiny glimmer of hope, that it's just temporary and that next week I'll be back to planning the date. I have no idea what I'm doing. I bought my SN in January. I thought I'd be dead by now. And now I'm thinking maybe I could last the summer at least. But I'm so exhausted. It was easier when I was certain I'd ctb soon, now I just feel stuck in limbo not even knowing what I want. And I'm scared there's not enough fight left in me to pull through and sort my life out, even if part of me kind of wants to. Or worse, I put in all the effort and it ends up shit anyway.

I keep thinking that as long as I have my SN I could go at anytime, so why not try? Which is true I guess, but it also makes me feel like, why even put myself through all this when I have a better, easier and quicker option right here?

adulting is almost impossible when Ctb is on the mind. I tried to ctb and my uni basically turned the whole situation into a circus, got at least ten staff (Who I don't even know) involved in my health situation and haven't even checked in on me in almost a month now. Absolutely no contact whatsoever from them and now one of the randoms contributing to my health situation (apparently my health is their number one concern - what a joke lol) reported me to occupational health saying I refused a mental health service (which I never, I am on the 2 year waiting list). It was the ultimate shit show, my advice would be to embrace your current goals, if you have to redo a semester so be it. Ask your dad for help (there is no shame in that despite you feel shameful). I can somewhat appreciate what you're going through even though I obviously don't know the story, but I hope you find comfort knowing people can relate. The fact that you're stuck in limbo, as horrid as it is, shows you've got some fight in you, even if it's subconsciously. Only you know what's right for you though, and again, just know that your situation may be unique, but you're not alone.

 

[moonchild]

adulting is almost impossible when Ctb is on the mind. I tried to ctb and my uni basically turned the whole situation into a circus, got at least ten staff (Who I don't even know) involved in my health situation and haven't even checked in on me in almost a month now. Absolutely no contact whatsoever from them and now one of the randoms contributing to my health situation (apparently my health is their number one concern - what a joke lol) reported me to occupational health saying I refused a mental health service (which I never, I am on the 2 year waiting list). It was the ultimate shit show, my advice would be to embrace your current goals, if you have to redo a semester so be it. Ask your dad for help (there is no shame in that despite you feel shameful). I can somewhat appreciate what you're going through even though I obviously don't know the story, but I hope you find comfort knowing people can relate. The fact that you're stuck in limbo, as horrid as it is, shows you've got some fight in you, even if it's subconsciously. Only you know what's right for you though, and again, just know that your situation may be unique, but you're not alone.

Thank you so much for this! I've been very much on the fence about everything these last few days, so very good timing. It's nice to hear that people can relate, if only to some parts of it, even if that obviously also sucks at the same time. And I really appreciate the gentle encouragement. I'm putting the final touches on my thesis right now, so you might be right about the subconscious fight in me lol. I'll still need to go back next semester to get enough credits for my degree, but it's something. And I've made a little game plan for the most pressing issues, so just trying to take it one day at a time right now. :)

The situation with your uni sounds crazy! I guess someone would say it's "good that they care", but the way they're handling it just seems absurd and unhelpful. I hope it works out well somehow.

 

[madbananas]

Thank you so much for this! I've been very much on the fence about everything these last few days, so very good timing. It's nice to hear that people can relate, if only to some parts of it, even if that obviously also sucks at the same time. And I really appreciate the gentle encouragement. I'm putting the final touches on my thesis right now, so you might be right about the subconscious fight in me lol. I'll still need to go back next semester to get enough credits for my degree, but it's something. And I've made a little game plan for the most pressing issues, so just trying to take it one day at a time right now. :)

The situation with your uni sounds crazy! I guess someone would say it's "good that they care", but the way they're handling it just seems absurd and unhelpful. I hope it works out well somehow.

no worries at all!
and that sounds great, I take it if you do your thesis and it all goes well, even though you don't have enough credits this semester, you won't have to do another thesis? I just wonder how it works at your school haha.

Yeah the people at my uni are just covering their backs, but at the same time they have stabbed me in the back big time - my own personal tutor or any of my lecturers have contacted me to check in with me in over a month. I'm also on the final part of my degree so it's pretty much ruined the whole journey I've come along to get this far. My personal tutor was borderline obsessed with me previously (He contacted me on Facebook at 11pm one night, has dm'd me several times on twitter, talks about me in front of the whole class like we are close personally, and even sent me poems he'd written) and went in a huff because I was getting along more and feeling more supported by a female lecturer (He'd been absent for months and I'd been sexually assaulted so didn't want to talk to a man anyway). Anyway, like I said, he went in a huff, reported the fact I was still in contact with the female lecturer (no funny business, just support when needed and sharing articles as we have similar interests), and stated that it was unprofessional, which is an absolute joke considering his behaviour towards me. Anyhow, the school pulled me in for meetings, had the female lecturer block me on Facebook (I never ever contacted her on Facebook) and that was the straw that broke the camels back. The stress of all this was a significant reason for me trying to ctb. Now none of them are contacting me at all. I should add, their response (or lack of) is particularly concerning considering the academic field they lecture for.

sorry for the rant on your post haha. Let us know how your thesis goes! And absolutely, just one day at a time

 

[moonchild]

no worries at all!
and that sounds great, I take it if you do your thesis and it all goes well, even though you don't have enough credits this semester, you won't have to do another thesis? I just wonder how it works at your school haha.

Yeah the people at my uni are just covering their backs, but at the same time they have stabbed me in the back big time - my own personal tutor or any of my lecturers have contacted me to check in with me in over a month. I'm also on the final part of my degree so it's pretty much ruined the whole journey I've come along to get this far. My personal tutor was borderline obsessed with me previously (He contacted me on Facebook at 11pm one night, has dm'd me several times on twitter, talks about me in front of the whole class like we are close personally, and even sent me poems he'd written) and went in a huff because I was getting along more and feeling more supported by a female lecturer (He'd been absent for months and I'd been sexually assaulted so didn't want to talk to a man anyway). Anyway, like I said, he went in a huff, reported the fact I was still in contact with the female lecturer (no funny business, just support when needed and sharing articles as we have similar interests), and stated that it was unprofessional, which is an absolute joke considering his behaviour towards me. Anyhow, the school pulled me in for meetings, had the female lecturer block me on Facebook (I never ever contacted her on Facebook) and that was the straw that broke the camels back. The stress of all this was a significant reason for me trying to ctb. Now none of them are contacting me at all. I should add, their response (or lack of) is particularly concerning considering the academic field they lecture for.

sorry for the rant on your post haha. Let us know how your thesis goes! And absolutely, just one day at a time

Yes, exactly! It's a bit of a weird order, but I'm only lacking half a semester's worth of credits, so it's alright. And after I've caught up with that I can officially get my degree. :)

Wow, that's more intense than I thought! Anyone would be uncomfortable with someone who behaves like that. I can imagine it must also be SO frustrating when he has so much more influence than you in this situation, so everyone's more likely to take his side even if he's in the wrong. :/ I hope you at least don't have so be in contact with him anymore? Either way, good luck with the last bit of your degree! Hope you can feel that it'll be good when it's done, even if the road there hasn't always been the best. :)