Venting I'm so fragile

[ohsosleepy]

Went to one class today for the first time in over two weeks. My professor asked me if I was okay. I knew it was coming, and I tried to hold it back, but it was useless. I couldn't help but break down crying in the middle of the classroom. How badly I want to reach out for help, to be heard. I want to tell people how I've been feeling. More accurately I want to be saved. But that's not a realistic thing to wish for. It's not a normal thing for someone to miraculously come into your life and make everything okay. And I can't just dump my suicidal feelings on others. No one knows that I've been feeling this way since my first real attempt in late 2023.

She went through the whole spiel about seeking campus mental health support I'm sure all professors are trained on. I like this professor, and I'm sure she's genuinely worried for me. But it makes me feel worse. If only I had kept going about as normal until I really knew I had a sure way of CTBing, I wouldn't draw attention to myself like this. I know I won't use the services she showed me. Because I think I'm past saving. I'm at the point of no return in my academics. No matter how much I beg my professors and try to catch up, it'll be hard for me to achieve even a D in the rest of my classes. This class is actually the only one I've been trying in, because I actually like this class. I intended to CTB before the semester ends, but I'll feel bad disappearing on her and my classmate that also offered support to me. Maybe it'll be better for me to wait until summer, where they'll reasonably just think I dropped out.

Sitting there crying, it made me felt like I was doing this all for attention. And if I'm just attention seeking, I'm not really serious about CTBing. I'm faking all of this, and if I just tried a bit more I wouldn't have these issues. But I can't find it in me a reason to try. For the past week and a half that I missed class, I just laid in bed all day, only going outside get food from a delivery robot or to bring back a meal from the dining hall. I feel so foolish and embarrassed for doing this to myself. I don't want my family to find out.

I was going to live in an apartment style dorm with one of my current roommates and two new girls next year. I was excited to get to take the computer graphics course next year. I hoped that one day I would get enough confidence to put myself out there. But none of that will happen. If I do keep living, I'm going to have to shamefully return home and get a shitty full-time job that I have to get a $20 fare cab to and from every day because I'm stupid and never learned how to drive. And I'll be paying off my student loans for the rest of my life. I feel like such a failure.

 

[redsendtend]

I tell my parents all the time that I'm suicidal I'm pretty transparent and raw about it. They understand my circumstance and I'm one of those who are qyite convinced on a soon CTB. Emotions are there but I'm just very convinced and rational and methodical about this all so I don't really do cries for help or attention. I just want out and I need to be informed on the way out, so that is why I am here.
When I speak to other about my suicidal thoughts I just lay it out. I don't really care if others judge me because humans will always have a somewhat wrong judgement and more reasons.

And I don't think that it's miraculous, therefore unlikely for someone to pop into your life and save you, because things happen and (to our very limited knowledge) events seem to be placed in life by dice, so you never know. I don't think that finding a special someone is miraculous or unlikely.

Also society's 'norm' is very overrated. Become unconventional before you CTB, then see if you still are suicidal. Try a whole different life, and then see if you want to die.

 

[ohsosleepy]

Also society's 'norm' is very overrated. Become unconventional before you CTB, then see if you still are suicidal. Try a whole different life, and then see if you want to die.

It all always seems so much easier said than done. If it were so easy to change, wouldn't I have been able to do it already? Going to college was supposed to be my big change, giving myself more of an opportunity to do something for my future and connect with people. Unfortunately it's turned out this way. I want to fit in, since the kind of person I am and the kind of people I have a feeling my unfiltered self would attract are not people that I have an interest in being around, so... It's just a me issue, honestly haha.

And I don't think that it's miraculous, therefore unlikely for someone to pop into your life and save you, because things happen and (to our very limited knowledge) events seem to be placed in life by dice, so you never know. I don't think that finding a special someone is miraculous or unlikely.

Maybe so, if I were able to achieve that "whole different life". I think finding someone when I'm so withdrawn from others would be nothing short of a miracle.

I tell my parents all the time that I'm suicidal I'm pretty transparent and raw about it. They understand my circumstance and I'm one of those who are qyite convinced on a soon CTB. Emotions are there but I'm just very convinced and rational and methodical about this all so I don't really do cries for help or attention. I just want out and I need to be informed on the way out, so that is why I am here.
When I speak to other about my suicidal thoughts I just lay it out. I don't really care if others judge me because humans will always have a somewhat wrong judgement and more reasons.

I'll consider coming clean about it as soon as I have a given way out. I don't want to place hope in the future potentially being better so blindly anymore. I've learned that hope without the drive to back it up is basically useless. Maybe something good will come out of it despite the mountain of student debt I have with nothing to show for it behind me. Or maybe I'll still have to CTB.

Thank you for your words nonetheless.