Venting I'm so done...

[Into The Wild]

I think tonight I have finally had enough.

Not in a "I am going to definitely CTB tonight" but that I have decided it is the right thing to do. Now I just need to build up my confidence/grit to do it. Why? Why indeed...I think in a way this has been inevitable.

I had a pretty difficult child-hood. Kicked out of all my schools for mis-behaving, but luckily I had good parents who put up with a lot and saw me through. But I don't think those early rejections/feelings of not being good enough have ever left me. I have tried damn hard but I have just had enough.

My life was going well; I had just got the qualifications I wanted and I was moving out (I am 23)...I had the love of my life in my arms & my own fucking behaviour pushed her away. I got complacent & I let it all slip. I became anxious again (I have quite bad social anxiety etc) and my drinking/depression got worse. She couldn't handle it after we had some big arguments. She left me. I went to her place last week to give her stuff back and there was another guy there after only 1-2 months. We had been together for 2-3 years. I kept my dignity and wished them well. Like I did when we broke up in person. But I was physically sick afterwards. I feel like a fucking idiot. I was on track to a good life. Fucked it. I got so bad she even had to leave me on my birthday, just to get away.

But...this sounds like a sob story/broken heart story. In a way it is. But only partially. This break-up is the straw that broke my back. No matter what anyone says I will know I could have had it so good. Now my behaviour is so down, I am so wrapped up in myself and I can't get out of my head. I am obsessing over how to get her back and what I should have done and how she sees me etc...But in reality this is all tied up in much more deep-root shit. I am in therapy for anxiety/depression etc and it isn't working. It is ruining my life with my parents and my sisters. I am going to end up alone. That is not a good life. Life should be shared. No-one wants to with me.

I have planned a big trip away (12 month holiday visa) to a different country where they speak English (NZ) with the premise of getting better and over this break-up. But I don't want to come back. Either I will leave for good and live there and try to create a new life, or I will CTB away from people who might be hurt by that. That is only thing keeping me here is the guilt of doing it to people who say they love me. But many have said they love me/others i've known and they've all left in the end. Maybe I need to leave them first this time. I don't want to live for anyone else but myself and as far as I am concerned I am a bad person. I don't like living with that.

Does anyone have any experience with any of these issues? Is there anything I need to consider if I decide to CTB? Thanks in advance to anyone who read all this bollocks.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

The loss of romantic love is a killer.

It's a wound that many carry.

I was obsessed like crazy over a girl in my teens and we finally got together ....

she dumped me after a few years in my early twenties.


I'm 55 now.


The dynamics and complications of relationships fuel a never ending flow of poetry and novels .... it's the human condition.

I survived by committing to a course of action that wasn't ideal ... because my values were all twisted out of shape
( everything was about 'her' and my inadequacy and humiliation ) but a process was there to funnel some energy into .

To amateurly psychoanalyse , the 'in love' process is the dissolving of the ego , the ego that formed to define our separateness from others ( mother , primarily ).

when that ego dissolves and we are in love , it's so warm and snuggly , just like being ' with mother' ... all our needs and wants are catered for
emotionally , and we are safe and secure .

when that breaks down ... we are thrust back onto our own 'lonely' independent ego ... an individual again .


Frankly , I think young love is the seamless transition from the parental bond to a partner bond that often bypasses a 'healthy independent' ego formation .

To stand 'independent' and self respecting as an individual 'in the world' is not that common.

Most people in relationships are mutually parenting each other I think .

Brutally , the 'lost love' is the painful stabbing pain of regaining 'unwanted' independence.

I've been trying to figure this shit out all my life , and have no answers ... I fucked up another relationship a few years ago ...

I am a slow learner and my depression and social anxiety retarded growth .

If you can get out into the world and ' make traction ' in reality , and build an awareness of your reality ...

( And it's a cosmic mystery ... so potentially of interest , when it isn't terrifying )

maybe some new possibilities will emerge , form , take shape ...

Sorry for this , if it is all bull shit , but as I say , I've been mulling over this all my life .

 

[Into The Wild]

Don't apologise friend,

It made a lot of sense...it is something I am shocked about right now...How she can already be with someone else rather than learning alone to better try at the world. It makes me think she cheated in honesty. The thing about the ego separation makes a whole load of sense too.

I have a drafted message that I want to send to her which I have toned down recently to be less toxic...I often feel so angry I want to send that to her and tell her how stupid rebounding is...But it will make no difference. I guess that is the core of why I feel so depressed; yes the relationship is over. But what hurts the most is I tried so fucking hard and it meant nothing in the end. I helped her through her depression too, but no thank you came from her, only from me. In a way the world feels like that; it feels I have been trying hard for so long and I just cannot be arsed any more.

It is a thankless task, merely existing. Honour, gratitude & chivalry seem long dead. I am trying to write a book as you said is a good thing, but I started it before (when we were together) so at the moment it is hard to write it. Maybe I will finish that, get it published and then CTB. All I know is that I feel I am headed that way and for the first time I, scarily in some ways, do not mind.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Writing is great .

I think it's all about trying to figure it out.

And who knows ?

There is a reddit for longer stories of our lives ...

three readers so far ...

https://old.reddit.com/r/SSstory

( I'm not a mod - responsibility phobia ....)

One thing though ... I have come to see the dwelling on things and ruminations as a crazy making process in itself.

It's a fine line .

There is a blend of living and reflection and response , both artistically and practically.

Read some others' maps of their reality ... respond with your 'plans' or maps of how you see it ...

It's all we can do I think .

 

[Aris.NecroLight]

Love is very cruel. In my case, I was always the one who fell in love. I still am, I guess. Love really is about leaving ego... about melting with another person, and give shape to a new person. When that ends... absolute loneliness remains. As time goes on, you sort of return to your old state... but you are not the same. Every time this happens, you wonder once more if it is worth waiting... if there actually is someone out there. At least that's what happens to me.

In my personal case, I'd just like someone to actually care. Someone to prove me wrong. Most people seem to have a twisted sense of what 'love' is. For most people, 'love' seems to be a temporary thing, a change of ideas to help in each other's quest towards self-realization. Perhaps there is some affection... but not enough to truly love. That's what kills me... slowly and painfully.

I don't want to stop loving, as weird as that looks. It's a part of me... and if that dies, then I'll be just like them. That's how I feel.

 

[ctoan]

@Temporarilyabsurd do you still think about your love 30 years ago?

 

[Into The Wild]

Someone to prove me wrong. Most people seem to have a twisted sense of what 'love' is. For most people, 'love' seems to be a temporary thing, a change of ideas to help in each other's quest towards self-realization. Perhaps there is some affection... but not enough to truly love. That's what kills me... slowly and painfully.

This is the closest I have seen to someone understanding how I feel. When I say I love you, I truly mean it. To really care for someone and try to help them always. Yes I make mistakes, but I am only human. A pretty broken human, but I only do my best. When I say I am there forever no matter what happens I truly mean it, even if it is me that is making it hard. I just want that back. But I think in today's society that kind of thing is a dead idea. People are so fickle and fleeting now. I've never understood the changes they go through like that.

 

[Final Escape]

I think tonight I have finally had enough.

Not in a "I am going to definitely CTB tonight" but that I have decided it is the right thing to do. Now I just need to build up my confidence/grit to do it. Why? Why indeed...I think in a way this has been inevitable.

I had a pretty difficult child-hood. Kicked out of all my schools for mis-behaving, but luckily I had good parents who put up with a lot and saw me through. But I don't think those early rejections/feelings of not being good enough have ever left me. I have tried damn hard but I have just had enough.

My life was going well; I had just got the qualifications I wanted and I was moving out (I am 23)...I had the love of my life in my arms & my own fucking behaviour pushed her away. I got complacent & I let it all slip. I became anxious again (I have quite bad social anxiety etc) and my drinking/depression got worse. She couldn't handle it after we had some big arguments. She left me. I went to her place last week to give her stuff back and there was another guy there after only 1-2 months. We had been together for 2-3 years. I kept my dignity and wished them well. Like I did when we broke up in person. But I was physically sick afterwards. I feel like a fucking idiot. I was on track to a good life. Fucked it. I got so bad she even had to leave me on my birthday, just to get away.

But...this sounds like a sob story/broken heart story. In a way it is. But only partially. This break-up is the straw that broke my back. No matter what anyone says I will know I could have had it so good. Now my behaviour is so down, I am so wrapped up in myself and I can't get out of my head. I am obsessing over how to get her back and what I should have done and how she sees me etc...But in reality this is all tied up in much more deep-root shit. I am in therapy for anxiety/depression etc and it isn't working. It is ruining my life with my parents and my sisters. I am going to end up alone. That is not a good life. Life should be shared. No-one wants to with me.

I have planned a big trip away (12 month holiday visa) to a different country where they speak English (NZ) with the premise of getting better and over this break-up. But I don't want to come back. Either I will leave for good and live there and try to create a new life, or I will CTB away from people who might be hurt by that. That is only thing keeping me here is the guilt of doing it to people who say they love me. But many have said they love me/others i've known and they've all left in the end. Maybe I need to leave them first this time. I don't want to live for anyone else but myself and as far as I am concerned I am a bad person. I don't like living with that.

Does anyone have any experience with any of these issues? Is there anything I need to consider if I decide to CTB? Thanks in advance to anyone who read all this bollocks.

You're not a bad person :) omg you're also only 23. That's a very complicated age to be at. You are still learning about yourself and just beginning. Everything at this age seems like such a huge deal, but you will meet another girl, you probably need some guidance and YouTube has come along way about info that can help young people to avoid shit lives. If you have addiction problems I would check out cgkid on YouTube. Sorry you got your heart broke that's rough every time.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I can't imagine anyone else being worth killing myself over.

On the other hand, myself. Damn, I'm a selfish bastard. Well, that's why I'm ready to go. Done what I wanted. Now I'm just stuck doing shit other people want, because I'm too big of a puss to get out.

 

[Final Escape]

Love is very cruel. In my case, I was always the one who fell in love. I still am, I guess. Love really is about leaving ego... about melting with another person, and give shape to a new person. When that ends... absolute loneliness remains. As time goes on, you sort of return to your old state... but you are not the same. Every time this happens, you wonder once more if it is worth waiting... if there actually is someone out there. At least that's what happens to me.

In my personal case, I'd just like someone to actually care. Someone to prove me wrong. Most people seem to have a twisted sense of what 'love' is. For most people, 'love' seems to be a temporary thing, a change of ideas to help in each other's quest towards self-realization. Perhaps there is some affection... but not enough to truly love. That's what kills me... slowly and painfully.

I don't want to stop loving, as weird as that looks. It's a part of me... and if that dies, then I'll be just like them. That's how I feel.

It's very common to be attracted to people who cannot love u or make u feel secure in a relationship. I've met someone recently who does not trigger my insecurities and it's a unique experience.

 

[Aris.NecroLight]

This is the closest I have seen to someone understanding how I feel. When I say I love you, I truly mean it. To really care for someone and try to help them always. Yes I make mistakes, but I am only human. A pretty broken human, but I only do my best. When I say I am there forever no matter what happens I truly mean it, even if it is me that is making it hard. I just want that back. But I think in today's society that kind of thing is a dead idea. People are so fickle and fleeting now. I've never understood the changes they go through like that.

Wow, it looks like we are very similar. To others we seem naive and childish people (at least that's how I feel others look at me), but we know what we feel. If I say I love someone, it's because I truly do, and I'll follow them wherever they go. And if I ever lie to them (as you said, we are only human), then they shall be there to remind me of myself, and I won't go away again.
(I use 'them' to be as less specific as possible, even if it isn't necessarily a plural)

It's a very idealistic love, but if I feel this way, why can't someone else feel that way too? Then again, maybe there really isn't anyone... but it just makes you think why there couldn't be anyone like you.

"Fickle and fleeting"... you picked so fitting words. That's the society in which we live. I always feel crazy about it... like there's no way I can know what is going on. I also feel like that. Surrounded by people who are just that different.

I also forgot to say... I write too, so I guess we share that as well. And curiously, I also wrote one story while I was in love with a girl, but didn't finish before things broke. Eventually I ended it, but it was not the same.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

20's were an awful time in relationships, 1 seems to have all the fun coasting while the other is responsible for all maintenance and bills. Harder still is breakup and if your heart is involved it will about tear your soul apart.

 

[Aris.NecroLight]

It's very common to be attracted to people who cannot love u or make u feel secure in a relationship. I've met someone recently who does not trigger my insecurities and it's a unique experience.

That's true. But I always tried to avoid such things. I believe that's what saved me from some situations... but other times... it's... very weird. Call it fate. It's hard to think of something else in certain cases (others were just me but...).

I'll still remember what you said though.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

@Temporarilyabsurd do you still think about your love 30 years ago?

not a day goes by ... :)

These days with a lot of nuance .

I worshipped her and it was toxic as fuck.
I see it in that light more these days .


I was primed for romantic destruction due to puritanical upbringing and social isolation ... all the good things ! :)

 

[Into The Wild]

You're not a bad person :) omg you're also only 23. That's a very complicated age to be at. You are still learning about yourself and just beginning. Everything at this age seems like such a huge deal, but you will meet another girl

FINAL ESCAPE: Thank you for your kind words...but so many people have tried to tell me that. I think the big issue is I don't really want to meet another person to be honest. I truly feel I had the one I wanted, so there is that. But also I do not know how I could possibly go through this again. I can no longer trust anyone when they say they love me, because it is only temporary, and that makes me so sad.

Like I said in the OP; this is not just about her either. She has confirmed a lot of things that were lurking under the surface. I am emotional, rash, impulsive and weird. I don't do small talk, I just cannot do it and I think I don't really fit in. Not with family, not really with friends. My anxiety & low moods are really toxic and turn people away so fast. But I don't want to be alone. Rock and a hard place.

Wow, it looks like we are very similar...I also forgot to say... I write too, so I guess we share that as well. And curiously, I also wrote one story while I was in love with a girl, but didn't finish before things broke. Eventually I ended it, but it was not the same.

NECRO: I would like to hear about your stories? Mine is a collection of them that tie together. I have most of them all figured out. Like I said I plan to finish them as my lasting contribution to the world. Even if no-one reads it, when I'm gone a small part of me will be here somewhere. But also I really don't want to write them when I feel this down. I think they could be really good but I don't want to write and mess them up because of her or any of this other shit in my head. I want them to be perfect as they can be.

 

[Aris.NecroLight]

NECRO: I would like to hear about your stories? Mine is a collection of them that tie together. I have most of them all figured out. Like I said I plan to finish them as my lasting contribution to the world. Even if no-one reads it, when I'm gone a small part of me will be here somewhere. But also I really don't want to write them when I feel this down. I think they could be really good but I don't want to write and mess them up because of her or any of this other shit in my head. I want them to be perfect as they can be.

Thanks for the interest. My stories are mostly fictional, that is, they are based upon actual events but I change them in such a way that they are fiction. Something like a metaphor of reality, but not exactly. I add my own touch, the problems that break my mind, and I often leave a final reflection. At first I used to be very complicated with my writing, but now I'm trying to be more clear (so more people can actually understand... including myself). On the other hand I'm trying to finish them before I die completely... because I really am dying little by little. Many of them will probably never be finished as I have very little time left (around 1 year, which is less than it looks, I guess).

As for my own personal story, I'll be probably making a thread talking a bit about me. I'm just not sure about what focus to give to that thread. I mean, what I'm going to express really? That's a bit what got me away from posting a thread these days.

Also... Yes, it's hard to trust again. But in my personal case, what pains me the most is that the people I met before are... just other people. I feel that much for others, as much as I hate Mankind. I'd like for all people to be one... I can't stand that the people I met before are just strangers in the end. For me, I think that's more painful than actually being alone. In that sense, I don't fit anywhere either... and I feel so weird, that even people who are weird don't look that weird to me. At any rate, that word 'weird' is very... weird.