Venting I’m so done

[Baguette]

I can't hold on any longer, I've considered all my options for weeks now. I feel like I'm going crazy living a lonely, painful life, it's just the same s**t over and over everyday and what for?

I will be no loss to the world, I'm an angry, pathetic, ugly waste of space. I planned to ctb on Tuesday as it's going to be hard to get alone time on Monday but I've now been told I have to go and help out at a relatives house on that day and I cannot be bothered with that or waiting till Wednesday so I'm going to make some excuse to be gone for the whole afternoon on Monday(tomorrow). I'm going to be 'playing football with friends', that should buy me several hours to do what I need to do but I'm now torn between going on a long walk then coming back to my previous spot at the train tracks or walking away out of the city and jumping off a hill/mountain in the countryside.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry, @Baguette. I'm sorry you're struggling and that you're being so hard on yourself and that you're feeling rushed in all this.
Would talking with people here about any of it help you sort things out? (((Hug)))

 

[Baguette]

I'm sorry, @Baguette. I'm sorry you're struggling and that you're being so hard on yourself and that you're feeling rushed in all this.
Would talking with people here about any of it help you sort things out? (((Hug)))

Thank you for your offer of help but I've been abandoned by the main people in my life, my family and former friends do not care. I feel like my autism is getting even worse(if that's possible), I've thought for a long time about this and I know it's the right decision.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I'm so sorry your struggling friend.

 

[kinzokukae]

I'm now torn between going on a long walk then coming back to my previous spot at the train tracks or walking away out of the city and jumping off a hill/mountain in the countryside.

hey, i'm sure you already know this but both of those methods will be really difficult to follow through with because of survival instinct ): i wish you luck nonetheless, but try not to feel disappointed if you can't go the whole way - the human body is an annoying vessel

 

[wonderworld]

sorry you're in pain, baguette, but it's you're decision, of course, no one wants you to CTB but we all here for you whatever the decision is

 

[Soul]

Thank you for your offer of help but I've been abandoned by the main people in my life, my family and former friends do not care. I feel like my autism is getting even worse(if that's possible), I've thought for a long time about this and I know it's the right decision.

(((Hug))) I know you've been contemplating this a long time. I want & hope the best for you. x

 

[Baguette]

I've made my excuses, leaving at 1:00. Hopefully this is goodbye.

I'd like to be banned by the mods if I'm not back on here by 6:00pm UK time

 

[Baguette]

You probably all think I'm faking it but I keep trying and trying and something always comes up. I walked a 3 hour round trip with only one 5 minute break, I didn't know where I was going, I just walked straight along the main road way out of the city and ended up next to some farm. I then turned around because I still couldn't see any big hills I could jump off so I made my way back to my previous spot at the train tracks but by that point I was absolutely exhausted and I didn't have enough energy to be bothered going through with it. We go again on Wednesday hopefully unless things change drastically.

 

[Soul]

I don't think you're faking anything. It's not an easy thing to do. I'm glad you're back. Please get some good rest and think about other things. x

 

[Baguette]

The barbers finally reopened today, I got a haircut, I'm dressed in smart clothes. I want to look presentable to whoever finds me, I really hope today is the day, I feel more ready than I ever have before.

 

[Baguette]

I'm making slow progress towards ctb, I was ready but just as I was going to do it I decided I didn't want to leave a note so I went back home and I'm ripping it up as I had left it in my bedroom.

I need to talk to someone, anyone, via dm as I don't feel comfortable sharing something that has just happened publicly. I don't mind who it is.

 

[Baguette]

I'm fed up doing this now, I'm ctb'ing today at 15:20 via train. I'm going for a short walk then I'm gone. Today will be the day I overcome my SI. Goodbye, you'll know I'm gone if I don't update this thread again.

 

[DeadButDreaming]

You can talk to me, bro.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Here for u also, whichever u choose♡

 

[Baguette]

If it's not my SI it's police, a deer, today it was two drunk guys that wouldn't let me get to the train tracks because they knew what I was trying to do. I'm just going to keep trying every day possible, it's the only way I'll eventually do it.

 

[Soul]

Ahhh @Baguette, it's not easy. I want the best for you. x

 

[Baguette]

Hopefully today is the day, leaving the house in 5 mins.

 

[Zappfe lover]

Hopefully today is the day, leaving the house in 5 mins.

If go through it, I hope you that you don't feel anything ):

 

[Disco Biscuit]

Hey Baguette,

I just wanted to say hi. I hope you're ok and got some nice rest. I'm sorry you're going through such a traumatic time at the moment. x