MissWannaLive
Member
- May 1, 2025
- 25
My mind is a constantly bubbling concoction of thoughts and emotions and it unfortunately shows in a chaotic way I write. I sincerely apologize for that but I cannot phrase the scrambling mess going through me in any other way.
So I have come back. That's not something to be proud of you but it's a necessity as I feel like a spiral again after being semi fine for the past weeks. I thought I would be fine. I really thought. But the more it got fine I felt hollow inside. I feel like I was so close to that spiraling state of sadness and dread that each time it leaves it takes away everything I am.
That's such a twisted 'relationship' with my mental health I am aware of but I honestly feel too scared to leave it. I would much prefer if the bad times never left me. It felt so unnatural to be denied that part of me.
Now that part of me I ached for so bad came back in a way I didn't expect it to. In that time I apparently got 'better' I have met a certain person. We have spend time with each other and in the last few days we became a thing. It felt good for the first few moments. Euphoric and all but as soon as that washed off I feel just disgusted at the mere thought of my partner. At the mere thought that they may kiss me or touch me. It's a feeling so deep that it fills me with dread and makes my chest tighten. It feels like being trapped in a very tiring and uncomfortable sensory experience. It's not even that they are a bad person. No. I had wonderful time with them before we became official and took the step further. It's after we confessed my mind played dirty on me and flipped a certain switch as it already had done (although back then I connected it to my overall very poor state). I feel like a deer caught in the headlights. I can't do anything about it and I almost want to scrub my skin in each place my partner touched me even as a hug (they have never done something I wasn't comfortable with at the moment, it always comes after and coils around me like a snake).
I don't really look for any words. I am aware my behavior is trashy but it is out of my control. I haven't told my partner yet about it because I was thinking that maybe if I wait a few days that feeling will wash off but no. It puts me on edge and I'm just getting more snappy and snappy even if I doesn't want to.
I feel like a walking contradiction (and that I am looking at my actions) and I feel like I should have never even try to be with that person or for that matter anyone ever again.
I don't understand from where that disgust and dread came from. With my last ex it came and I thought it was my mental state and because I in the end am not fond of men romantically. But right now I think just something flipped in my mind regardless of who is it. The only time I didn't feel disgusted was with my first partner and everything after them after the euphoria of the moment dies, gag at it. Which is even weirder since I don't understand it. I don't expect anyone to understand it nor forgive me for 'playing with their emotions' (even if I didn't want to do so) but I had to get it our from me.
It doesn't help that much with that sense of dread and disgust but it at the very least allowed me to word it somehow. Even if it's messy and chaotic.
So I have come back. That's not something to be proud of you but it's a necessity as I feel like a spiral again after being semi fine for the past weeks. I thought I would be fine. I really thought. But the more it got fine I felt hollow inside. I feel like I was so close to that spiraling state of sadness and dread that each time it leaves it takes away everything I am.
That's such a twisted 'relationship' with my mental health I am aware of but I honestly feel too scared to leave it. I would much prefer if the bad times never left me. It felt so unnatural to be denied that part of me.
Now that part of me I ached for so bad came back in a way I didn't expect it to. In that time I apparently got 'better' I have met a certain person. We have spend time with each other and in the last few days we became a thing. It felt good for the first few moments. Euphoric and all but as soon as that washed off I feel just disgusted at the mere thought of my partner. At the mere thought that they may kiss me or touch me. It's a feeling so deep that it fills me with dread and makes my chest tighten. It feels like being trapped in a very tiring and uncomfortable sensory experience. It's not even that they are a bad person. No. I had wonderful time with them before we became official and took the step further. It's after we confessed my mind played dirty on me and flipped a certain switch as it already had done (although back then I connected it to my overall very poor state). I feel like a deer caught in the headlights. I can't do anything about it and I almost want to scrub my skin in each place my partner touched me even as a hug (they have never done something I wasn't comfortable with at the moment, it always comes after and coils around me like a snake).
I don't really look for any words. I am aware my behavior is trashy but it is out of my control. I haven't told my partner yet about it because I was thinking that maybe if I wait a few days that feeling will wash off but no. It puts me on edge and I'm just getting more snappy and snappy even if I doesn't want to.
I feel like a walking contradiction (and that I am looking at my actions) and I feel like I should have never even try to be with that person or for that matter anyone ever again.
I don't understand from where that disgust and dread came from. With my last ex it came and I thought it was my mental state and because I in the end am not fond of men romantically. But right now I think just something flipped in my mind regardless of who is it. The only time I didn't feel disgusted was with my first partner and everything after them after the euphoria of the moment dies, gag at it. Which is even weirder since I don't understand it. I don't expect anyone to understand it nor forgive me for 'playing with their emotions' (even if I didn't want to do so) but I had to get it our from me.
It doesn't help that much with that sense of dread and disgust but it at the very least allowed me to word it somehow. Even if it's messy and chaotic.
. In this case it would not be a trauma or phobia but ur general mental state.
