Venting I’m so desperate to get out

[deathplease]

I posted a thread last night about how I've been trying to find the best method as well and finding the courage to do so. If anyone is interested or needs back story this it it:
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/looking-for-help-with-methods.12151/

I'm so incredibly desperate to get out of this world. My life has been a series of traumatic events, the most recent one being the death of my infant son. I'm so anxious to be with my baby boy. I find myself either being completely numb or sobbing my eyes out. I held on for this long to be a mother & it was taken away from me so fast. I know I will be happy once I die but I am so pathetic that I can't even ctb. I wish there was a peaceful pill I could take in order to just end it all. I don't want to try to continue on anymore. I honestly don't see a point now that my son is gone. I'm praying I could get cancer or get murdered or something so that this could end because I don't have the courage to do it myself. I can't believe how pathetic I am. I fail at everything in life including killing myself. I'm so desperate to get out I feel like screaming for someone to kill me. I just need a way to end it that's simple & successful. I wish I had easy access to a gun where I live. I just need this to be over. I feel like I was never supposed to be in this world and my whole life was a mistake.

 

[nooo2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My method will be SN(Sodium Nitrite method). Apparently it's peaceful but it takes up to 1-2 hours depending on your weight or something. If you have the money you could buy N(Nembutal) This is the best method apparently, you can't fail it I don't think. These are the only 2 options I can think of that will be peaceful and painless but it won't be quick.

 

[JustAboutDone]

@deathplease you are not in any way pathetic or lacking in courage. You are going through a terrible ordeal having lost your baby son, I imagine that was quite recently? You must be feeling a whole range of emotions right now from utter desperation and despair and a deep desire to be with him which is totally understandable. I think anyone in your situation would feel the same.
Your dear boy will wait for you as long as it takes so draw breath and take a few moments to find a method that will work for you. Are you based in the US?

 

[deathplease]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My method will be SN(Sodium Nitrite method). Apparently it's peaceful but it takes up to 1-2 hours depending on your weight or something. If you have the money you could buy N(Nembutal) This is the best method apparently, you can't fail it I don't think. These are the only 2 options I can think of that will be peaceful and painless but it won't be quick.

Thank you so much. & I would like to try it but do you know if it's easier to get in Canada? and what's the method for N?

 

[deathplease]

@deathplease you are not in any way pathetic or lacking in courage. You are going through a terrible ordeal having lost your baby son, I imagine that was quite recently? You must be feeling a whole range of emotions right now from utter desperation and despair and a deep desire to be with him which is totally understandable. I think anyone in your situation would feel the same.
Your dear boy will wait for you as long as it takes so draw breath and take a few moments to find a method that will work for you. Are you based in the US?

It was a few months back, so yes. I feel like I have to rush my method so that I can be with him, but I'm so scared of failing. I need a method with a high success rate and that is somewhat easy..I unfortunately do not have easy access to a gun here. If I did I would be gone a long time ago. I'm in Canada. & I appreciate the condolences. My life has been a nightmare since he passed away.

 

[Donewith_]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's really hard to deal with .... I can understand. It hit you hard and since it has happened recently, and enough time has not passed for you to heal.. it takes a lot to accept and move on..try to consider this.. give it a thought.
Might be things might change if you give it enough time.. this is hard to deal with.. but, if you can have another kid(If you want to) after you have healed with this.. can that change things? This is just my thought. Ultimately, its your choice whichever path you want to take.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's really hard to deal with .... I can understand. It hit you hard and since it has happened recently, and enough time has not passed for you to heal.. it takes a lot to accept and move on..try to consider this.. give it a thought.
Might be things might change if you give it enough time.. this is hard to deal with.. but, if you can have another kid(If you want to) after you have healed with this.. can that change things? This is just my thought. Ultimately, its your choice whichever path you want to take.

Sounds harsh but do you think it's a good idea to have another kid whilst this unstable? Having a child and therefore potentially passing along these genes won't cure depression, being bipolar or anything else. If this is your reason for suicide, try seeing if group therapy, counseling or medication can help. There's millions of woman in your exact posistion that probably share your feelings. It works for some people. And if there's a chance, I say go for it

 

[Donewith_]

Sounds harsh but do you think it's a good idea to have another kid whilst this unstable? Having a child and therefore potentially passing along these genes won't cure depression, being bipolar or anything else. If this is your reason for suicide, try seeing if group therapy, counseling or medication can help. There's millions of woman in your exact posistion that probably share your feelings. It works for some people. And if there's a chance, I say go for it

I'm not saying it's something like a cure. and I clearly said.. if she wanted to have, she can consider to have a child after getting out of this.
No one wants or advise to pull innocent beings into a mess.. not me atleast.

 

[JustAboutDone]

It was a few months back, so yes. I feel like I have to rush my method so that I can be with him, but I'm so scared of failing. My life has been a nightmare since he passed away.

Of course it has, what you are going through is the most terrible pain anyone can ever experience - the loss of a child is agonising.
Do you have any family or anyone to help and support you at all while you consider your methods?

 

[deathplease]

I'm not saying it's something like a cure. and I clearly said.. if she wanted to have, she can consider to have a child after getting out of this.
No one wants or advise to pull innocent beings into a mess.. not me atleast.

I don't think I can have other children after this. I really just want to end it and be with my baby.

 

[deathplease]

Of course it has, what you are going through is the most terrible pain anyone can ever experience - the loss of a child is agonising.
Do you have any family or anyone to help and support you at all while you consider your methods?

I do somewhat, but my family has kind of contributed to my reasons for ending it. I can't really go to them for support.

 

[21Neberg]

I do somewhat, but my family has kind of contributed to my reasons for ending it. I can't really go to them for support.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You could see a psychiatrist while you consider your options, suicide is permanent after all.

 

[mpti]

I'm so sorry you're going through that. There's nothing like losing a child, especially one so young.

I can only hope you find peace soon, in this life or the next.