i'm so confused

[justfloating]

I was set on the fact that I was going to CTB this time last week, but then someone said something that took all of that suicidal urge away and gave me hope. It fucking sucks because I know that this little bit of hope is stupid and isn't going to make me happy, yet I cant bring myself to CTB anymore because of it. I'm constantly having suicidal thoughts still, and I'm self harming more, but I feel so lost.

I need something to either give me a real reason to be happy and live, or to show me that life is not worth living so I can finally end it. Right now, being in this state of confusion and emptiness is so draining and I hate it.

I'm not looking for anyone to push me either way, just didn't know if anyone could relate.

 

[SamuelMortem]

I can relate very heavily. I was about to ctb via hanging, but, surprisingly, a friend made me not. I'm very lost and unstable right now, as well as emotional, something I haven't been in a long time. I agree that it's exhausting. I want to ctb but yet I cannot.

 

[justfloating]

I can relate very heavily. I was about to ctb via hanging, but, surprisingly, a friend made me not. I'm very lost and unstable right now, as well as emotional, something I haven't been in a long time. I agree that it's exhausting. I want to ctb but yet I cannot.

Part of my reason is because part of me feels like my person isn't going to be able to cope if I did it. Last Friday I was sat about to to CTB but I told myself I couldn't do that to them. But when I see them on today its as if they couldn't care less if I did it or not. Its just fucking me up so much and I hate it

 

[Clut]

Yes, relate totally. I know deep down that ctb is what's needed, however other things keep delaying it. I'm ready to go, but just for example one friend messaged me with some shit they were going through and I chatted back and tried to give advice and they appreciated it and I thought... What if I ctbed right in the middle of their crisis it might push them over the edge too, so I didn't. Hopefully soon there will be a time when it's safe for me to ctb without adversely affecting people too much, I'm no samaritan but I don't feel great about leaving when someone else is pouring their heart out to me and viewing me as this pillar of strength

 

[SamuelMortem]

Part of my reason is because part of me feels like my person isn't going to be able to cope if I did it. Last Friday I was sat about to to CTB but I told myself I couldn't do that to them. But when I see them on today its as if they couldn't care less if I did it or not. Its just fucking me up so much and I hate it

That is the reason I have not yet CTBed as well. I hate hurting people, especially my friend. I have full faith that my friend cares for me and would be sad if I were to leave - I have to trust them completely, at least - so I am not currently in your situation. I have been betrayed by those close to me more times than I care to remember however, so all I can say to try to help is to be careful, and if you have any doubts, test them if need be. Some people are bad at showing they care, others simply don't. It's dark (a lot of my history is, which is pretty much the standard for this site), but it's what I've found through my experience.