Venting I’m slowly giving up

[usoiko]

(This is long, please bear with me) I feel like i shouldn't live anymore, i feel at this point in time i've accomplished everything I can do, everything i can be and now i don't know what to do anymore. I've given up on a lot of things i had dreams of doing because i've come to the conclusion that i will most likely kill myself before i can do those things, its meaningless anyways with the way i am as a person. I wanted to make new friends but I don't socialize much and when i do its short-lived because whats the point?? When i make friends they always end up finding out what i said on the internet and who i followed on the internet, thus they leave without understanding i have changed and apologized since then, no matter how much i apologize and how much i acknowledge my wrong doings it just seems like i will never be able to make friends, so i've given up on making new connections with anyone, i have acquaintances but i dont try and get closer to them. I told my gf about this and she told me that i should keep trying, even though she herself thinks i was a bad person and crazy, i want to trust her that there are people who genuinely want to be my friend but i feel like I can't, there's no way in hell anyone would wanna be associated with me.

Please trust me when i say i have tried to make friends. I have tried to be the best version of myself. I have tried everything to be a good person but it seems like all my efforts don't matter in the grand scheme of things so again whats the point if my efforts arent being noticed. All i ever want is a place where i belong, i wanted to have friends so bad but my reputation on the internet is so ruined that i have been banned and removed from discord servers for what i have done and said. I was removed from a venting channel in the discord server i finally felt comfortable in all because i said that i had tried to commit suicide the day earlier (this was in November 2025)

What do i even do now? Is there any hope for me at all?? I feel like theres really no where i can go, hell I can't even turn to my girlfriend because i know she'll think im just being difficult, im really trying so hard not to be so i leave her out of my struggles, i cant turn to my parents because 1: my dad lives on his own and i cant go to his house because my mom thinks i'll end up hurting myself if im alone and 2: my mom barely gets enough alone time for me to talk with her and also i dont wanna worry her anymore, she already knows i tried to kill myself but shes under the impression im over it.

I feel like, there's nothing left for me. I barely have reason to keep living aside from the fact my birthday is in 6 days from now but beyond that, i dont have anything.

 

[owarikigan]

relate deeply with everything you said, i can understand the feeling that you can't go back and mend your mistakes so there's no point of return, i try to believe other's ignorance will be their downfall in return. i wish it didn't take as much as it does for people to believe a person can change or that they're not what they've put up on the surface at their core and it's hypocritical especially when the people alienating you are far worse and expect others to just put up with it. welcome and sorry you've found yourself here