Venting I'm sick of not having a sense of self.

[Burdenphilic]

I absolutely despise my existence because I feel like my depression makes things worse for everyone around me including even myself, I feel empty and that perhaps I'd be better off dead because of how I've always been reliant on others for everything, be it my own moral compass, my decisions, my life choices, my direction, my goals, even my likes and dislikes, I have 0 ego and barely any self-esteem to form opinions and think for myself, because I put others above me. I can't even see myself when I'm shrouded by what others have to say and when I listen to two conflicting arguments I get overwhelmed and can't come to my senses.
I feel like I don't even have a sense of self that I can be anymore, I genuinely feel empty whenever I look into who I am as an individual, whenever I look at the mirror, I just see the vessel of a dead host, a dead man walking the earth, hideous, undeserving, and utterly incapable of providing worth for others, no matter how much I tried to make something for myself, I always succumbed to laziness and fell short of all my expectations and goals be it small or big. I'm done.
I still live with my parents, they still pay the bills, I'm 18 yet I'm still unemployed while everyone around me has some sort of job, I feel like all my life I've just been taking and taking without providing anything for anyone, and it's all for nothing too, because it feels like it's such a huge waste on me.
I have no access to therapy, and I've heard that even therapy doesn't help most of the time, so what's the point? I'm too ugly for anyone to take me seriously, too unmotivated to achieve anything, there genuinely is no point in going on.

 

[ipmanwc0]

It has been and still is the same for me

 

[MicahBell]

I absolutely despise my existence because I feel like my depression makes things worse for everyone around me including even myself, I feel empty and that perhaps I'd be better off dead because of how I've always been reliant on others for everything, be it my own moral compass, my decisions, my life choices, my direction, my goals, even my likes and dislikes, I have 0 ego and barely any self-esteem to form opinions and think for myself, because I put others above me. I can't even see myself when I'm shrouded by what others have to say and when I listen to two conflicting arguments I get overwhelmed and can't come to my senses.
I feel like I don't even have a sense of self that I can be anymore, I genuinely feel empty whenever I look into who I am as an individual, whenever I look at the mirror, I just see the vessel of a dead host, a dead man walking the earth, hideous, undeserving, and utterly incapable of providing worth for others, no matter how much I tried to make something for myself, I always succumbed to laziness and fell short of all my expectations and goals be it small or big. I'm done.
I still live with my parents, they still pay the bills, I'm 18 yet I'm still unemployed while everyone around me has some sort of job, I feel like all my life I've just been taking and taking without providing anything for anyone, and it's all for nothing too, because it feels like it's such a huge waste on me.
I have no access to therapy, and I've heard that even therapy doesn't help most of the time, so what's the point? I'm too ugly for anyone to take me seriously, too unmotivated to achieve anything, there genuinely is no point in going on.

I feel this really hard. I feel like i've disassociated from any concept of personal identity in the past several years. I don't have any hobbies, I don't know who I am, I don't even think I really have a name. Its one of the worst feelings in the world.