This is just gonna be a ramble, I apologise in advance, I just need to get this stuff on my mind onto somewhere so I can sleep peacefully for once. (F18 btw) TW for bipolar disorder talk, pretty much everything else here is normal for this forum)
I've been suicidal since I was 10. I remember trying to smother myself with a pillow when my mum was having a manic episode, in which the police dragged her out of the house. I held my breath, and just cried, wanting to be taken away from the hells I was dealing with. I wish it was that easy now.
I used to try to drown myself in the bath. I once remember almost being there, but that SI just kept pulling me back up. It was a cycle, I'd think I'd just found peace, and bam. I was back.
My mum always tells me the first time she saw me, she knew that I'd saved her. She has bipolar disorder and frankly, that's fucking selfish. she needed a reason to keep on going, so she fucking gave birth to one. Motherly love didn't save me from the emotional abuse I suffered during her manic episodes, and it certainly didn't save me from the neglect in her depressive episodes. She used to call me evilspawn and still to this day calls me a bitch, and sadly worse.
I grew up with the fear of getting bipolar myself. I used to pray to god, begging him to not let me turn out like her. God has a fucking sick sense of humour. He listened to me, but just decided to give me Trichotillomania, Clinical Depression and severe Anxiety instead. at least no manic episodes, he listened to me on that front at least.
I've tried everything. Sertraline, private therapy, school therapy when i was there, nhs therapy (that was particularly shit lol). I tried so hard. I listened to everything they had to say. safety plans, writing down my feelings, coping strategies, addressing my trauma, distraction techniques, listening to music, playing video games, addressing my fears. I did all that and yet, I'm still just the same as when I started.
I just want to die peacefully. that's all I ask. I don't want to end up in a psych ward, like my mum. I don't want to wake up in a hospital bed, realising I've literally got to try to explain my way out of this, and admit to myself that I've failed, for the millionth time. One of these days I'm going to take sn, just relax, probably just put some music on and live my last.
I'm so grateful for this community and for Tantacruel for leading me here lmao. I've needed a place just to put all my thoughts without worrying about how everyone is going to call the police.
I'd also like to say that if you're reading this and have bipolar disorder, what I said about my mum and my experiences living with a person with that disorder who just decided to take it out on a kid, does not impact my understanding of how fucking difficult it is to survive with and I don't hold any ill will towards anyone with Bipolar, type 1 or 2.
I've been suicidal since I was 10. I remember trying to smother myself with a pillow when my mum was having a manic episode, in which the police dragged her out of the house. I held my breath, and just cried, wanting to be taken away from the hells I was dealing with. I wish it was that easy now.
I used to try to drown myself in the bath. I once remember almost being there, but that SI just kept pulling me back up. It was a cycle, I'd think I'd just found peace, and bam. I was back.
My mum always tells me the first time she saw me, she knew that I'd saved her. She has bipolar disorder and frankly, that's fucking selfish. she needed a reason to keep on going, so she fucking gave birth to one. Motherly love didn't save me from the emotional abuse I suffered during her manic episodes, and it certainly didn't save me from the neglect in her depressive episodes. She used to call me evilspawn and still to this day calls me a bitch, and sadly worse.
I grew up with the fear of getting bipolar myself. I used to pray to god, begging him to not let me turn out like her. God has a fucking sick sense of humour. He listened to me, but just decided to give me Trichotillomania, Clinical Depression and severe Anxiety instead. at least no manic episodes, he listened to me on that front at least.
I've tried everything. Sertraline, private therapy, school therapy when i was there, nhs therapy (that was particularly shit lol). I tried so hard. I listened to everything they had to say. safety plans, writing down my feelings, coping strategies, addressing my trauma, distraction techniques, listening to music, playing video games, addressing my fears. I did all that and yet, I'm still just the same as when I started.
I just want to die peacefully. that's all I ask. I don't want to end up in a psych ward, like my mum. I don't want to wake up in a hospital bed, realising I've literally got to try to explain my way out of this, and admit to myself that I've failed, for the millionth time. One of these days I'm going to take sn, just relax, probably just put some music on and live my last.
I'm so grateful for this community and for Tantacruel for leading me here lmao. I've needed a place just to put all my thoughts without worrying about how everyone is going to call the police.
I'd also like to say that if you're reading this and have bipolar disorder, what I said about my mum and my experiences living with a person with that disorder who just decided to take it out on a kid, does not impact my understanding of how fucking difficult it is to survive with and I don't hold any ill will towards anyone with Bipolar, type 1 or 2.
