Venting Im sick of dealing with the consequences of my failed attempts

[x Variable]

The first time police intervened was only 3 years ago, since then my life's been a living hell... Don't get me wrong, it was already a living hell but with this it somehow managed to make my traumas look little. Everything feels so intense, from father yelling nonsense, to the abcense of a stare or text.
Pills blisters' noises are the most recurrent in my mind, it's been there since I was 5, depression's held me down since I have memory. I'm always feeling low and distressed at the same time, I can't help but feel guilty about every fucking single thing i do or don't, I don't even consider attempting to open up to any irl because it will only strip away the little freedom I have left and because I already memorised every posible reply people give you when you say you want to ctb

 

[TheMetalhead]

I feel you, I've been going through the same shit with my parents, doctors at the psych ward and friends... Well police-wise I got off easy, met a nice policeman who was just concerned for me.
Failed attempts haunt us, it never gets easier no matter how many times you fail, tho I kinda got used to me failing lol.
Next time I'm gonna attempt CTB will be with SN which I bought today :)
What you have to decide is whether you want to be haunted by those traumas or rather fight them...

 

[x Variable]

I hope you can get peace of mind, we all know it will happen eventually but you get what I mean, I never attemped sn I wish you the best of lucks, life really sucks and everything hurts, pain is so omniprescent and intense while happiness is so brief and rare

 

[FuneralCry]

Failing a suicide attempt is what sounds so horrible to me, I find it so incredibly inhumane how we are denied the option to just ctb in peace in a guaranteed way, I hate how we exist in a world where suicidal people are treat like criminals simply for wanting to die.

 

[Lulzacruel]

failing a attempt is humiliating because everyone treats you like an dog that will try to stick a fork into an outlet as soon as you stop watching it.

My heart goes out to you and all the people on suicide watch.

 

[EndOfTheLine84]

Failing a suicide attempt is what sounds so horrible to me, I find it so incredibly inhumane how we are denied the option to just ctb in peace in a guaranteed way, I hate how we exist in a world where suicidal people are treat like criminals simply for wanting to die.

Yeah, it's not just this though, it's that for some methods of suicide, a failed attempt could mean being injured or physically disabled to the point where another attempt can be made harder to achieve or impossible to achieve.

This is actually my biggest fear, being prevented from trying again to finish myself off if I fail.
The ingestion or drugs or chemicals as a method of suicide has never been something I have entertained, my thoughts have always been the violent methods (since I live in the UK, a method that requires use of a firearm is not possible, since I don't have access to a gun, so that is crossed off the list of possible ways).

Railway (with intent to position myself neck across the track at oblique angle to cause decapitation, although concerns with cowcatchers and/or individual wheel guards places in front of the leading wheels on the locomotive, which are designed to deflect objects that could pose derailment risk, potentially impeding a desired decapitation), Hanging (short-drop) (common and high percentage chance of success, but then concerns arise with possible failure of this, or if I would potentially be able to make survival instinct sounds, vocal or otherwise, that could alert someone to try and "save me" exist, as well as the pain before losing consciousness) Hanging (long-drop) Sounds complicated to set up, but potentially could always deliberately make the drop longer than what the old British "Official Table of Drops" would state for a given weight of the prisoner to be executed, since the drop being longer would result in decapitation, which as far as I can see, this was to be avoided in executions as it makes things less palatable for the people witnessing an execution by long-drop hanging, but for wanting to end one's own life, one's head being removed from one's body would end up in a 100% chance of death as far as I can ascertain (if the end of the rope tied to the anchor point didn't fail or the rope didn't otherwise snap under the sudden strain that is).

When I try to ctb, I do not want to fail, but there are ways that it can sadly.

 

[x Variable]

I hate that the first reaction of all the professionals I had (except for one or two and I've had at least 20) when I expressed my desire of cbt was guiltripping me and making it all about my parents (which btw are also part of the problem with my suicidal behavior) and calling me toxic selfish ungrateful nocive coward quitter weak vile etcetc

 

[x Variable]

Yeah, it's not just this though, it's that for some methods of suicide, a failed attempt could mean being injured or physically disabled to the point where another attempt can be made harder to achieve or impossible to achieve.

This is actually my biggest fear, being prevented from trying again to finish myself off if I fail.
The ingestion or drugs or chemicals as a method of suicide has never been something I have entertained, my thoughts have always been the violent methods (since I live in the UK, a method that requires use of a firearm is not possible, since I don't have access to a gun, so that is crossed off the list of possible ways).

Railway (with intent to position myself neck across the track at oblique angle to cause decapitation, although concerns with cowcatchers and/or individual wheel guards places in front of the leading wheels on the locomotive, which are designed to deflect objects that could pose derailment risk, potentially impeding a desired decapitation), Hanging (short-drop) (common and high percentage chance of success, but then concerns arise with possible failure of this, or if I would potentially be able to make survival instinct sounds, vocal or otherwise, that could alert someone to try and "save me" exist, as well as the pain before losing consciousness) Hanging (long-drop) Sounds complicated to set up, but potentially could always deliberately make the drop longer than what the old British "Official Table of Drops" would state for a given weight of the prisoner to be executed, since the drop being longer would result in decapitation, which as far as I can see, this was to be avoided in executions as it makes things less palatable for the people witnessing an execution by long-drop hanging, but for wanting to end one's own life, one's head being removed from one's body would end up in a 100% chance of death as far as I can ascertain (if the end of the rope tied to the anchor point didn't fail or the rope didn't otherwise snap under the sudden strain that is).

When I try to ctb, I do not want to fail, but there are ways that it can sadly.

Yeah I've failed several times, from overdose to jumping of a 4th floor, there is always an idiot that thinks getting me medical help is going to help me
I remember the rage i felt when a lady was telling half-concious-me that I was gonna be fine that I didnt have to worry and that help was coming, while I couldnt even move but was sadly concious so I could only listen in silence

 

[x Variable]

So many things go through my mind and it's consistently draining my will to live, if i still got any
I feel no motivation towards anything, I'm just trying to somehow keep feeling alive, i wish it worked more
I wish there was a 0-chance-of-survival method that I could try with the resources I count with
I'm so sick of this and tired of every wave of fatalism and distress that comes every half an hour, I can't live with this but I'm fucking stuck, I hate myself so much for being like this, I wish I could just be dumb and happy, if there is actually a god and is listening to me please just...end my suffering....