im selfish and there's no reason for my sadness

[bunnyeve]

i don't want to live like this anymore. im selfish. i only think about myself. my body. my face. my mind.

im making myself go crazy. i go through a thousand ups and downs everyday.

im exhausted. everyday is the same. no matter what i do, how hard i try, what anyone tells me, its still the same or only getting worse.

i hate looking in the mirror sometimes. its usually in the evening - a very horrible feeling. when my stomatch drops, heart stops, tears build up, and all i can say is "no, noo, please, god, no", cause i cannot comprehend what im seeing. it feels like the whole world falls apart and living further seems impossible.

i eventually get through those episodes. like, usually the next day its better. but it happens again, again, and again.

no matter who i meet, how much fun im having, i always find a way to destroy the day for myself. i hate myself so much i cant let myself be happy. everytime i feel enthusiastic i suffocate this emotion and kill it in its embryo. living like this isnt living, its surviving.

i dont know how to be happy. i just cant. happiness never lasts long. its washed away by the overflowing saddnes i feel all of a sudden and i cant ler myself stop it cause i deeply think this is what i deserve.

i don't cut only because of my mom. because i dont want to lose her if she finds out. i know i have no reason to bw sas but it doesnt change the fact that i am and its so stupid. i wish i could just cut and hurt myself but i cant do even that

 

[MrDarkness]

it seems your suffering from severe depression, I've been there so many times in my life it's unbelievable, I can't tell you a way to improve, that's for you, you either seek help with doctors, find peace within yourself or others…

Your not selfish, your just extremely depressed or angry with the world. I don't know your story so sorry if I sound like a asshole

I hope you find peace in life or death

 

[voc_89]

i am so sorry to hear that you are going through such pain. As Darkness puts it you may be going through severe depression. When I am in those phases I try to do something I enjoy to distract me (gaming), make me feel a different emotion (a romance series/movie or something) or bring me to tears (a tragic anime/manga... to kind of 'let it out'). I am sorry I can't be more helpful. I hope you find strategies that work for you.

 

[cami]

it's okay to care about your mom. we all have parts of our hearts we cannot lose, and perhaps your mom is one of those parts. there is no shame in love, irrational or not. take care my love.