Help I'm seeing the ex before I CTB

[...]

My ex and I have arranged for me to stay at hers between the 10-15th of December so I can pack the remainder of my things and do all my errands around the town (show new tenant around, give my bike away, meet landlord etc etc). I have told my parents to come pick me up and help move out my stuff on the 15th but I actually plan to CTB on the 14th. I'll arrange my stuff into boxes but I won't actually make it back to my parents' house.

My ex knows about my attempts, and knows I still wanna be with her. Perhaps there is the smallest of chance she would be willing to make up, but I don't want to pursue it so much when i'm there that I frustrate her and ruin the last moments I have with her. On the one hand these days will be my last attempt at saving my life, but on the other if they are truly my last I want to end them well. Im stuck between how I should act around her. Im scared I will fuck up. I don't know what to do.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Try not to pressure yourself. As long as you don't treat her as someone who has to save your life, then you should be fine. That's a toxic trait in many relationships.

 

[...]

This is a poem I am sending by post to arrive before me. Hopefully breaks the ice a bit better

It's called 'A Letter To The One I Lost':

This is a letter to the one I adored
Never forgiving oneself
for making you bored

A letter to say
"my love? Not enough"
For you deserve all the extra stuff
Times are changing
and I ask myself why?
Because for all your strength
I am lacking behind
Tears in my eyes
reveal truth upon these lines
Explosive anger
just love in disguise

A letter to say
time apart made me ponder
"How to get better?"
one did wonder
To improve myself and to grow as my human
For mental illness should be of no excuse
The intent of this growth is more than just getting through
Reflect on the times I did not pay attention
Your cries of help
that you would mention
Missing your warmth made me face the cold
To reflect on those faults which grew all so old
It's not grown on trees
I took it for granted
Your words of affirmation
oh so enchanted
For these long days I will never forget
as a reminder to work
to avoid more regret

A letter to say
my love you can't deny
I pray it's not too late
to make you mine
I would take the blame
whatever our crime
An affection for you that can't be quantified
Unable to change
what is the past
The events that occurred
will forever last
But with awareness
can influence the next
For I hope it is a future where we re-join the same track
Because when it comes to you
I can't turn my back

A letter to say
I admit my impatience
With you I can't help
but be flirtatious
You are correct
I must have solo endeavours
But I'll always have one main goal:
being with you forever

A letter to say
I'm sorry it got so intense
A product of my anxiety
in my defence

A letter to say
I think of you all the time
My ride and die
all the way to the sky
Emily's importance
I can't put to one side
And your rejection causes my tears
it has to be said
But I would fight for you
until I am dead
'To live' and 'to love' there's only one letter
that separate the meanings that bind them together
You and I are soulmates
forever and ever,
J

 

[Cinzia_1992]

Hi...are you sure to see the ex? Maybe it s better to make your parents take the stuff.. please trust me you don't need her, No one needs another one. You are meant to be with someone more like you that makes you more happy more in love. try to heal the pain.
Love does not t exist .. it's just not real stuff, it's less than air. I have done the same mistake to see my ex and was so hurtful..please don t make you sad

 

[...]

Hi...are you sure to see the ex? Maybe it s better to make your parents take the stuff.. please trust me you don't need her, No one needs another one. You are meant to be with someone more like you that makes you more happy more in love. try to heal the pain.
Love does not t exist .. it's just not real stuff, it's less than air. I have done the same mistake to see my ex and was so hurtful..please don t make you sad

I disagree. I believe love does exist. I felt it before. I am much sadder without her. Knowing I will see her is the only thing that has stopped me killing myself right now.

 

[Cinzia_1992]

I totally understand...but i know your love for her, but what about the love for yourself?? why don't you try to fall in love by yourself? I know it' s a difficult time now and you are suffering and you need to feel bad to heal..

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I wish you the best of luck in your attempt to win her back…

 

[...]

I totally understand...but i know your love for her, but what about the love for yourself?? why don't you try to fall in love by yourself? I know it' s a difficult time now and you are suffering and you need to feel bad to heal..

Because I have always hated myself. That is why I am on this site lmao.

I wish you the best of luck in your attempt to win her back…

Last toss of the coin. Hopefully life throws me a second chance.

 

[...]

Went to the post office today to send her my poem, along with a cover letter and a picture of a beautiful landscape at dusk that i took whilst walking recently. i'm nervous about whether she will actually read them. i hope she does. i hope she will be happy to see me

- also it was the first time i've been outside in awhile and i stepped in dog shit on the way there so can't say the signs are too promising

 

[...]

My ex and I have arranged for me to stay at hers between the 10-15th of December so I can pack the remainder of my things and do all my errands around the town (show new tenant around, give my bike away, meet landlord etc etc). I have told my parents to come pick me up and help move out my stuff on the 15th but I actually plan to CTB on the 14th. I'll arrange my stuff into boxes but I won't actually make it back to my parents' house.

My ex knows about my attempts, and knows I still wanna be with her. Perhaps there is the smallest of chance she would be willing to make up, but I don't want to pursue it so much when i'm there that I frustrate her and ruin the last moments I have with her. On the one hand these days will be my last attempt at saving my life, but on the other if they are truly my last I want to end them well. Im stuck between how I should act around her. Im scared I will fuck up. I don't know what to do.

Basically using this thread as a journal now.

New date is the 18th. I want to spend as much time as possible with her and I can realistically stretch it out from the 10th until then. Can still use the 14th as a date should things go south with her however.

 

[...]

arrived at the house - she left me a note saying she read my letter to her. she's staying at a mate's instead now, maybe the dude she is shagging who knows. says my behaviour makes her uncomfortable which is totally understandable, i am a needy creep.

anyway, that's game over then. Saturday the 18th will be my last

 

[Kobusu]

God I'm sorry to read all of this man. I'm in a similar situation so I know how much it hurts. I hate that you're going through this. I hate myself too, so I know how it feels to be in such a shitty situation full of self hatred and disgust. Nothing I say can make this pain go away, I know that well enough already, but at least you know you're not in that dark shitty place alone.

 

[boc]

Hey Bud, I'm in a similar situation, I know it hurts. Good on you for making one last attempt to reach out and mend things. I don't think that's being creepy. But if it doesn't go well, you just have to let it go. My only recommendation to your plan is to not CTB while in her place. That would be a horrible disservice to someone you really care about.

I think the best course of action is to give yourself sometime to process all this, add in some therapy, and then decide if CTB is really what you want. If it is at that time, then do it it a place where you are not imposing her to save you. Feel free to reach out man.