Help I'm scared

[eatingmyselfaway]

Every second of this life is a pure pain within me and my chest, I am so fuckin scared to die but living is far more scarier. I am filled with emotions that are unable to be expressed since they are so overwhelming I just burst into tear and laughter and tears and my head hurts and my eyes are in pain from all the crying and my chest feels weird and suffocating with mental pain and there is nobody to help me. I am far away from my "home", my "family" doesn't really want me there even if they say otherwise, when you are long away and they don't even bother to contact you it doesn't seem like love of anything to me. The person I am currently with is constantly hurting me and I am hurting him but I can't leave because I rely on them with shelter food and everything else even the little affection that I am so desperate for. But it seems like my time to go, I have to leave somewhere but there is nowhere I can be nowhere I can go, there is the only way. And I am scared for death (haha) even when I was young child with no concept of dying I had a nightmares about it. it scared my little brain and it scares me now even more. I just can;'t no matter how hard I try. to imagine not existing and I also can't make myself believe in some holy powers or even reincarnation and reincarnating also sounds very painful like forgetting everything small and big that you loved once it makes me so sad. But I gotta go, how to come at piece how to not fear the purest of fears? I was scared of death since I remember and it's the only thing that might be my home nut I can't fight me I can't cut myself I can't take shit I can't hang myself the panic the fear is stronger than me. I want to be at peace I want to feel nothing I am so filled with pain and sorrow that I can't take it anymore. I don;'t drink alcohol so it wont work and drugs i dunno where can I buy them and one time I tried weed I got a very bad panic and memory loss with hallucination something to do with my brain not working properly. Is there a bravery pill or potion? Please share the secret I have to go

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain and are in a hopeless situation. We all deserve an option of euthanasia. We should not have to resort to unpleasant methods like hanging. I believe in my case, I will eventually reach a desperate point and then I will have the courage to leave. It is difficult to leave this world as we are programmed to survive. If it was easier I would already be gone. I'm not personally scared of being dead, in fact that comforts me, so I do not know how to overcome fears of that. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[eatingmyselfaway]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain and are in a hopeless situation. We all deserve an option of euthanasia. We should not have to resort to unpleasant methods like hanging. I believe in my case, I will eventually reach a desperate point and then I will have the courage to leave. It is difficult to leave this world as we are programmed to survive. If it was easier I would already be gone. I'm not personally scared of being dead, in fact that comforts me, so I do not know how to overcome fears of that. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Thank you for your kindness, this is so special to me, you don't even know. I am far better as for today, calmer if you could say so, normally I would feel bad for being so expressive and ding a thread of some sort but I feel safe here. Isn't SN or N is that euthanasia that we are looking for? Looks peaceful to me, only getting it is a problem in some cases, but wouldn't it be with a normal euthanasia too?

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

I'm so sorry you are in that situation with seemingly no way out but to CTB. Do you have any friends you could stay with? Certain family members who might be more willing to help?

I think the potion you are asking for is "Felix Felicis"? (Sorry, sometimes being not serious is how I handle tough topics here).

 

[eatingmyselfaway]

I'm so sorry you are in that situation with seemingly no way out but to CTB. Do you have any friends you could stay with? Certain family members who might be more willing to help?

I think the potion you are asking for is "Felix Felicis"? (Sorry, sometimes being not serious is how I handle tough topics here).

That's a good one, isn't this potion is the luck one tho? He-he, all okay. Humor is a great way to cope for many of us.
Nah, sadly I have no friends at all and my family is just my mom and my older brother wirh their own like happy separate families, RANT: which is the main reason why I feel and know that I am not welcomed back there, even my room became something else already (I guess my mom turned it into a apartment-greenhouse with lots of plants which is making me kinda happy, since when I was living there my room always was an outcast and ugly with no to zero wallpapers and and ulgy flooring when my whole apartment got nice through years lol, such a methaphor of me being an ugly parasite doesn;t it? Even my room was left with naked walls lol. But now it's a garden and I love that. But I am no plant so.. I got carried away for a bit, as I said I am filled with stuff like this.

I also have no incom of my own, since my mental health and eating disorder made me sort of a disabled person, the only money I make is online and I spend on food, I might save some but it would not be enough to find a shelter.

I have a pet cat which loves me dearly and I don't know what to do. I don;t want to leave her but its really hard for me to stay. Im scared that whe will be hearthbroken if I give her to some people I don't know since she learner to love me not so long ago. I found her in a street she was thrown away by previous owners, only 1 y old kitty, she is like a baby to me, but I can't take her with me, Sometimes I have a bad bad bad thoughts about taking her with me but I will never do that, it's mostly my anxiety. I know there is a several people who are staying because of their pets and I respect that but also this is really hard and sad.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

Hahahahha, I'm laughing because my mom made my room into a sewing room after I moved out and it kinda made me sad at the time. I guess it's not that uncommon to happen. Yet when my partner and I had an "unexpected" kid she changed it back to a guest room so we could visit. I don't know, parents can surprise you some times, especially when times are tough and you ask for help. I know it might be hard, but why not have a conversation with you mom about what's going on in your life?

 

[eatingmyselfaway]

Hahahahha, I'm laughing because my mom made my room into a sewing room after I moved out and it kinda made me sad at the time. I guess it's not that uncommon to happen. Yet when my partner and I had an "unexpected" kid she changed it back to a guest room so we could visit. I don't know, parents can surprise you some times, especially when times are tough and you ask for help. I know it might be hard, but why not have a conversation with you mom about what's going on in your life?

I think that remaking an old rooms into something like that is beautiful since now it might have a purpose not just to feed and shelter a being that doesn;t want to be alive lol. I tried multiple times, my mother is one of those people who don't believe in mental health, not fully like denying it but sertantly taking it with a huuuge spoonful of salt. When I was home I already was a mess, I was seeing a psychiatrist ans dealing with trauma but she was like "isn't your shrink making money from pills he prescribe to you?" and when I was trying to explain she and my brother always said like "why are you always sad we lived the same things as you did but we are normal and not crying all the time" meanwhile I was a child (sensitive one not to mention) and they were fully functioning adults. This hurt me badly and now Im scared to seek for another bit of comfort. Time passed I know, but I know that this "love" that my mother has for me is fake, I was an offsring of a very unhappy marriage with many of unhappy events following that and she loved me only when she. herself was kinda happy it was a very long time ago, we tried to re-connect when I became a 20-ish y/o but it always felt fake and forced. And when I left it became worse with no intention of contacting me or asking me to come back or even for a photo and stuff. We always say eachother that we are like that - we assume that the other person is fine if they are in no contact, but it's not the case with other people in her life and for me it's a huge anxiety and unbearable sadness of never expiriencing a motherly love that tear me to shreds whenever I talk to her on the phone.