I'm sorry I'm so sorry I know I'm ranting and I don't want to burden anyone here I'm just... it's so hard. It's just so hard.
babe you don't have to be sorry, this isn't your fault. I'm very sorry you're suffering, I can empathise and I wish I could give you some advice that would help. I have my own trauma; flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, the whole shebang. It's a horrible way to live, especially when you also have bipolar disorder interacting with the trauma. All I can really offer is empathy and sympathy I guess, since I haven't fully learned to function with this shit
The only thing that has sort of helped was DBT/mindfulness exercises. It sounds stupid, but it can be helpful to train yourself to focus on sensations, be in the moment and observe your thoughts from an outside perspective. Of course that doesn't do shit once you have already slipped into a mental crisis, but it can help as a preventative thing. I've found that when I exercise these habits and meditate and stuff, it seems to help a bit in the long run. Even simple things, like when I'm having my morning coffee and smoke, I dont look at my phone or anything. I just observe the taste and warmth of the coffee, the sensation of the smoke coming in and then out of my body. It's kinda hard to explain I guess, and It's a slow and frustrating process. But I personally have found the most help in making myself aware of physical sensations and focusing on the moment where I am.
I hope that was at least a little helpful. in amy case you dont deserve to suffer like this, and I am sad and angry for you. it's not your fault, whatever happened, you did what you had to do to survive that moment. it's not your fault.
