I'm scared my attempt with N will be a failure, because everything else in my life has been. Please convince me I'm wrong.

[waiting4thenextbus]

Sorry that this post is all over the place. It's a reflection of my current mindset I guess. I tried my best to make it coherent.

I have done extensive research on my method. Its 2 bottles of N from D. I will be using metoclopramide. Haven't decided if I'll be doing the 48hour regime or stat, but will probably go with 48hr regime because of the rumors that its more effective.. (I f*cking hate all of this uncertainty - I wish the PPEH would just be clear ffs). I have been wanting (needing) this (CTB) to happen for years and years. I gave myself a shot and told myself that if things worked out, I'd stay. Well, they certainly didn't. I've lost everything and I am completely trapped in a life where there is nowhere to turn. I am trapped and claustrophobic and I hate being around other people. All people. They make me anxious. I'm 28 and I live with my mother. She's a narcissist, enough said. All I want to do is die.

I have chronic pain from arthritis in my knees. I have had insomnia since age 4. Over the years I acquired CPTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD and suspect I'm an avoidant type personality. Suspect I'm on the autism spectrum too. I'm absolutely traumatized by change. So obviously I overthink everything, including my method.

This is why I'm worried I will fail my attempt at leaving this world. I am so badly worried about failing that's how much I want to go. I'm not sure if this is my survival instinct kicking in but it really makes me scared, the thought of failure. I'm so scared things will be so much worse if I fail. I will be completely rejected by my mom if I fail, she has said this before, which means I'll be homeless. I'm scared of being thrown into psych jail - it will be state funded and in my country that's BAD NEWS. I cant work due to my brain and my knees being such a mess and the fact I'm constantly anxious about every single little thing I do, including showering or brushing my teeth.

So tell me please, will my method work? I'm looking for reassurance, peace of mind and facts that will convince me that my method will work. Examples of people who have succeeded perhaps? I've seen some but nothing too recently. I cannot deal with this mental turmoil anymore. What I'm most afraid of is vomiting and being found while unconscious. Even after taking metoclopramide. I hate the fact that there are posts on this website where people have claimed failure with N. It has really f*cked with my mind.

I'm scared the taste will cause me to throw up.

I'm planning to book a cheap hotel for two nights, which means I shouldn't be found for at least 24 hours (I think). I will put a 'do not disturb' sign up. CTB on the first night of my stay. 48hr metoclopramide regime beforehand. Fast the day before with a piece of toast 1 hour before N. I'll have some dark chocolate after drinking the N. Maybe a shot of vodka after N, but I'm scared this may lead to vomiting. Advice?

I don't usually suffer from nausea, but depending on my anxiety levels my gag reflex can act up. I'm also on 0.5mg alprazolam twice a day, should I stop taking this about 2 weeks before I CTB? I don't want it to affect my method - is this a thing?

Also, I binge drink and get properly drunk, I'd say about once a week. Should I stop this too? For about 2 weeks before I CTB?

So please tell me, based on the above, do you think I'll succeed? I need peace of mind. I'm so scared of f*ucking this up, just like I have everything else in my life.

Happy to answer any questions if you need more info :) Thank you in advance...

 

[houseofleaves]

It won't fail, i think, especially with the regime and everything. It won't fail.

 

[waiting4thenextbus]

It won't fail, i think, especially with the regime and everything. It won't fail.

I really hope you're right! Thank you

 

[Judy Garland]

I'm afraid my SN will be a failure. I've been a failure my whole life. Now, even my appliances and everything I own is failing. Life is still shitting on me and I can't even have decent working appliances. Plus now I have to renew my driver's license ($68 to do so), and I have to complete and hand in paper work to the government. I'm so tired with odds and ends. I just want peace and nothing to do when I decide to die. If I fail at dying, I sure don't want to have errands to run and things to take care of, I'll just sit. Like I'm doing now. Hopefully, dying is going to be my win where nothing goes wrong.

 

[waiting4thenextbus]

I'm afraid my SN will be a failure. I've been a failure my whole life. Now, even my appliances and everything I own is failing. Life is still shitting on me and I can't even have decent working appliances. Plus now I have to renew my driver's license ($68 to do so), and I have to complete and hand in paper work to the government. I'm so tired with odds and ends. I just want peace and nothing to do when I decide to die. If I fail at dying, I sure don't want to have errands to run and things to take care of, I'll just sit. Like I'm doing now. Hopefully, dying is going to be my win where nothing goes wrong.

I can really relate. It's just tiresome. Everything is breaking around me and I can't pick up the pieces. I'm sorry you're also feeling like this

 

[Shivali]

Sie haben einen perfekten Plan.
Wenn du wirklich gehen willst, wirst du es schaffen.

 

[waiting4thenextbus]

Sie haben einen perfekten Plan.
Wenn du wirklich gehen willst, wirst du es schaffen.

Vielen Dank für die Beruhigung :)

 

[Judy Garland]

You don't have to stop drinking two weeks before you make your attempt to die. I would say, the night before and the night of don't drink for those two nights. I'm worried about throwing up too. I plan to have butterscotch candy ready to pop in my mouth after I drink my SN. The salty aftertaste of the SN will complement the butterscotch, you can also use caramels too, since salt compliments their flavor as well. We won't know how this is going to go until we do it. I hope you finally get what you want, and I hope I do to, to die. I hope we don't fail.

 

[waiting4thenextbus]

You don't have to stop drinking two weeks before you make your attempt to die. I would say, the night before and the night of don't drink for those two nights. I'm worried about throwing up too. I plan to have butterscotch candy ready to pop in my mouth after I drink my SN. The salty aftertaste of the SN will complement the butterscotch, you can also use caramels too, since salt compliments their flavor as well. We won't know how this is going to go until we do it. I hope you finally get what you want, and I hope I do to, to die. I hope we don't fail.

Thanks for the info! Good to know. Do you know anything about the use of benzos affecting N?

It's horrible to be scared of vomiting, but I hope metoclopramide will do the trick. Will you take metoclopramide when you take SN?

If you don't mind me asking, where did you find SN? I would like to order it online as my backup plan incase my first method somehow fails. Was it easy to get? Did you get in person or online? (I'm in South Africa by the way and have no clue where to get)

Thank you I also hope you manage to achieve your goal of finding eternal peace. I hope we both get what we want and deserve.

 

[Zerengin96]

2 bottles of n wont fail you

 

[Judy Garland]

I just realized you were using N (I read SN for some reason). Some people have had alcohol (a shot) and it did not cause them to throw up or any adverse effects. It helped them sleep. A lot of people who take N have been having a piece of Chocolate afterwards to mask the bitter taste. I'm not sure of any vendors except one, the initials are IC that might be able to send you some in Africa. I wish I could tell you more as my sources were US and Europe based, and one is no longer available. But a lot of people are using IC.

 

[waiting4thenextbus]

I just realized you were using N (I read SN for some reason). Some people have had alcohol (a shot) and it did not cause them to throw up or any adverse effects. It helped them sleep. A lot of people who take N have been having a piece of Chocolate afterwards to mask the bitter taste. I'm not sure of any vendors except one, the initials are IC that might be able to send you some in Africa. I wish I could tell you more as my sources were US and Europe based, and one is no longer available. But a lot of people are using IC.

Oh okay! Thanks for the help. That's good to know

 

[EndIsNigh]

Feeling much the same - have N too (from D) and terrified I'll botch it. The first hurdle is going to be to actually getting the glass up to my lips and swallowing the first mouthful without spitting it out. I'm terrified I'll freeze up and not be able to complete it, or shout/phone for help. Then there's the fear of being discovered too soon.
Hotel is the optimal option for sure. However, for me, I don't think it'll work for fear of shouting for help once survival instinct/self-preservation kicks in. I think I will have to park up somewhere remote or head into a wooded area.
I lack the impulsiveness that I think many have who succeed. I really wish that wasn't the case - over-thinking really can be a curse.
Do hope it works out for you. When are you planning to do it?

 

[FindingTheEnd]

I feep the same way but with SN. If i fail it would.absolutely destroy me. Would be a disaster.

 

[The_Flying_Fox]

I feel the same way, too. But I think the risk is very small. I've never read a source that said that this happens a lot. On the contrary, the sources say that the method (N) is very, very reliable, and hardly ever goes wrong.

I'm in doubt as to drinking (a little bit of) alcohol after taking N. I'm afraid alcohol can make me feel sick and make me vomit; I'm a little bit sensitive to alcohol. But if you're quite used to drinking alcohol, like you yourself state to be, it might not increase the risk of vomiting at all. Some sources say it will make the process of dying quicker, but a good Dutch source that I have says that there's dispute about this and that it might not be helpful (but neither harmful).

By the way, another very reliable Dutch source (an internet page for medical doctors who want to assist at a suicide) writes that you don't need a very big time frame. The page says that most people by far die within 30 minutes. They consider a dying process of 2 or 3 hours as very long. Maybe you can read it for yourself here (I saw that you can understand German and maybe you can also understand Afrikaans, since you're from South Africa, so maybe you can read Dutch too): https://expertisecentrumeuthanasie.nl/praktische-info-of-hulp-bij-zelfdoding/.

 

[Cali101]

Im so jealous of you folks that have N

 

[waiting4thenextbus]

Feeling much the same - have N too (from D) and terrified I'll botch it. The first hurdle is going to be to actually getting the glass up to my lips and swallowing the first mouthful without spitting it out. I'm terrified I'll freeze up and not be able to complete it, or shout/phone for help. Then there's the fear of being discovered too soon.
Hotel is the optimal option for sure. However, for me, I don't think it'll work for fear of shouting for help once survival instinct/self-preservation kicks in. I think I will have to park up somewhere remote or head into a wooded area.
I lack the impulsiveness that I think many have who succeed. I really wish that wasn't the case - over-thinking really can be a curse.
Do hope it works out for you. When are you planning to do it?

If it wasn't so expensive we'd probably not be quite as nervous, right

I understand where you're coming from. That's SI kicking in at the last second. I'm personally not afraid of being found, I know I wont call for help, but I'm mostly worried about my physiological SI reaction to the N - vomiting.. But meto should do the trick (it better, otherwise I'll be beyond devastated)

Thank you! I hope everything works out for you too.. It's a tough road we've found ourselves down. Btw I was planning to CTB this Friday, but now I actually want to prepare a backup plan in case of the tiny tiny TINY chance that N somehow doesn't kill me. My backup plan is SN, so I need to order it and wait for it to arrive before I carry out my first method. Hopefully I wont need the second, but I'll feel more at ease knowing I have that option if I somehow fail the first one.

When are you planning to go?

I feel the same way, too. But I think the risk is very small. I've never read a source that said that this happens a lot. On the contrary, the sources say that the method (N) is very, very reliable, and hardly ever goes wrong.

I'm in doubt as to drinking (a little bit of) alcohol after taking N. I'm afraid alcohol can make me feel sick and make me vomit; I'm a little bit sensitive to alcohol. But if you're quite used to drinking alcohol, like you yourself state to be, it might not increase the risk of vomiting at all. Some sources say it will make the process of dying quicker, but a good Dutch source that I have says that there's dispute about this and that it might not be helpful (but neither harmful).

By the way, another very reliable Dutch source (an internet page for medical doctors who want to assist at a suicide) writes that you don't need a very big time frame. The page says that most people by far die within 30 minutes. They consider a dying process of 2 or 3 hours as very long. Maybe you can read it for yourself here (I saw that you can understand German and maybe you can also understand Afrikaans, since you're from South Africa, so maybe you can read Dutch too): https://expertisecentrumeuthanasie.nl/praktische-info-of-hulp-bij-zelfdoding/.

I'm so happy that the risk is small, but I wish it were non existent! Haha. But that's why I'm organizing a backup plan, namely SN. But I'm almost certain my N wont fail. Almost.

Interesting about what you say about alcohol and N! I'll definitely take note of that and weigh up the pros and cons. Even though one could say I'm used to alcohol, I haven't got a high tolerance, but it never makes me vomit. I'm sorry alcohol makes you sick.

I'll be happy to check that Dutch source you sent, thank you! Going to check it out right now. PS- I actually don't understand most German, even though I understand but cannot speak Afrikaans (I used google translate for the German), but I'm happy to translate the source you sent me :) thanks again!

Wishing you all the best

I feep the same way but with SN. If i fail it would.absolutely destroy me. Would be a disaster.

I really understand. The chances of survival of SN are very small, but I really understand how you feel!

Im so jealous of you folks that have N

I was also super jealous of other people who had N when I didn't, but I made a plan to get it (took loans and used the last of my savings)....

What is preventing you from acquiring N? Finances?

 

[Nolife62]

Sorry that this post is all over the place. It's a reflection of my current mindset I guess. I tried my best to make it coherent.

I have done extensive research on my method. Its 2 bottles of N from D. I will be using metoclopramide. Haven't decided if I'll be doing the 48hour regime or stat, but will probably go with 48hr regime because of the rumors that its more effective.. (I f*cking hate all of this uncertainty - I wish the PPEH would just be clear ffs). I have been wanting (needing) this (CTB) to happen for years and years. I gave myself a shot and told myself that if things worked out, I'd stay. Well, they certainly didn't. I've lost everything and I am completely trapped in a life where there is nowhere to turn. I am trapped and claustrophobic and I hate being around other people. All people. They make me anxious. I'm 28 and I live with my mother. She's a narcissist, enough said. All I want to do is die.

I have chronic pain from arthritis in my knees. I have had insomnia since age 4. Over the years I acquired CPTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD and suspect I'm an avoidant type personality. Suspect I'm on the autism spectrum too. I'm absolutely traumatized by change. So obviously I overthink everything, including my method.

This is why I'm worried I will fail my attempt at leaving this world. I am so badly worried about failing that's how much I want to go. I'm not sure if this is my survival instinct kicking in but it really makes me scared, the thought of failure. I'm so scared things will be so much worse if I fail. I will be completely rejected by my mom if I fail, she has said this before, which means I'll be homeless. I'm scared of being thrown into psych jail - it will be state funded and in my country that's BAD NEWS. I cant work due to my brain and my knees being such a mess and the fact I'm constantly anxious about every single little thing I do, including showering or brushing my teeth.

So tell me please, will my method work? I'm looking for reassurance, peace of mind and facts that will convince me that my method will work. Examples of people who have succeeded perhaps? I've seen some but nothing too recently. I cannot deal with this mental turmoil anymore. What I'm most afraid of is vomiting and being found while unconscious. Even after taking metoclopramide. I hate the fact that there are posts on this website where people have claimed failure with N. It has really f*cked with my mind.

I'm scared the taste will cause me to throw up.

I'm planning to book a cheap hotel for two nights, which means I shouldn't be found for at least 24 hours (I think). I will put a 'do not disturb' sign up. CTB on the first night of my stay. 48hr metoclopramide regime beforehand. Fast the day before with a piece of toast 1 hour before N. I'll have some dark chocolate after drinking the N. Maybe a shot of vodka after N, but I'm scared this may lead to vomiting. Advice?

I don't usually suffer from nausea, but depending on my anxiety levels my gag reflex can act up. I'm also on 0.5mg alprazolam twice a day, should I stop taking this about 2 weeks before I CTB? I don't want it to affect my method - is this a thing?

Also, I binge drink and get properly drunk, I'd say about once a week. Should I stop this too? For about 2 weeks before I CTB?

So please tell me, based on the above, do you think I'll succeed? I need peace of mind. I'm so scared of f*ucking this up, just like I have everything else in my life.

Happy to answer any questions if you need more info :) Thank you in advance...

Not sure if you're still here