Venting i’m running out of patience and i’m slowly losing whatever sanity i have left.

[hanax.]

i have been suicidal since i was young (12), but i was always filled with hope. i sort of just knew that everything would get better in time. however, suicide never left my mind. one time, i opened up to them and told them about what goes through my head, and they were responsive and told me they would give me the help that i needed. after a couple of days, they seem to have already forgotten about it. as you can see, i have been living without the presence of any of my parents for a long time. my mother chose to live with her new lover and left me with an excuse of 'going to work somewhere' even tho i am well aware of where she's going. my father stayed with me for 1 or 2 years, can't remember, but he's jobless and i don't wanna be a burden to him plus, i love my grandma much more than them so i stayed with her. my mother only figured out her wrong recently and is trying to make it up to me but i just don't feel like it's enough. i don't know. and now, i'm slowly losing interest with life. i just don't understand the meaning of it anymore. maybe some people are just different with others, unable to handle the obstacles that life puts them through. and i believe i am one of them. i don't think my life is getting any better and the only option i have is to ctb. there will be a huge family gathering tomorrow and i expressed my dislike to come as i am currently not in my best self and would rather stay home to think, and decide. but i was told i'd look like a complete idiot if i don't come. i'd be seen as someone mentally challenged if i don't show myself up. i've been waiting for a long time for this and i'm running out of patience. i hope i'd be able to overcome SI and just ctb today. i don't think i'd be able to take another day awake, because it just feels so lonely. my family loves me, but i just don't feel like i belong here and no one understands that.

 

[dialogos]

how young are you now? i really feel that before contemplating ctb, a person should exhaust all medical options first. we all go thru different stages in life. im aware that for a few people there is no medical option and they do exist. but honestly, 90% of those who come to this site can be relieved of the pain they carry, if given proper medical care, love and support. its just sad many are not getting it.

 

[Aisley]

You don't owe these people anything, and you are not obligated to participate in their hollow little exercise at being a family, now that they've come around to deciding they maybe want to be a family. You owe these people nothing. You already give your time to the one that matters, your grandma, and you don't need some part-timers to tell you when it's a special day to do so. These are some shitty parents who failed you. Fuck'em.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

90% of those who come to this site can be relieved of the pain they carry, if given proper medical care, love and support. its just sad many are not getting it.

Do you have any source to make this statement?

OP I'm really sorry you have to go through this. As @Aisley already said you don't owe them anything. Do they really love you, do they really try to understand you and your feelings? I'm well aware that this is a tough decision.

i hope i'd be able to overcome SI and just ctb today.

What's your method? (if i may ask)

 

[ShadowSelf]

Who says someone would look like an idiot for not attending a gathering? Who says they would look mentally challenged? Who says that kind of mean (and nonsensical) shit? I'm with Aisley. If you don't want to go, don't go. Your time is *your time.* Other people don't get to dictate how you spend it. As for your last line, you are not alone. Other people also experience a sense of not belonging here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do get that it's so tiring feeling trapped here, but anyway best wishes, to me it's really understandable just wishing to never wake, that's what I've always wished for.

 

[Hollowman]

how young are you now? i really feel that before contemplating ctb, a person should exhaust all medical options first. we all go thru different stages in life. im aware that for a few people there is no medical option and they do exist. but honestly, 90% of those who come to this site can be relieved of the pain they carry, if given proper medical care, love and support. its just sad many are not getting it.

90% huh? How'd you come up with that number?

 

[dialogos]

reading everything here at the forums. yes some antidepressants, mood enchancers do work.most of the comments here arent rooted in a physical condition like paralysis or incurable neurological conditions. there a few here that is beyond medicine and attitude training admittedly. most of the comments are about dealing with alienation, overwhelming feelings of despair, low self worth, low self esteem, views of wrong reality, grief etc. these are all valid experiences and should be discussed. example: there's a thread here about a woman asking her abuser to kill her and several forum members are trying to convince her to call the police to save her. should she ctb because a predator told her or brainwashed her? its a matter of helping out others. im not trivializing any of this alright? in my case im just being sober about my financial future at my age and considering ctb just for that.
so before i go, im going to do what i can to help people figure out what really is bothering them about life before they ctb. for a few however, that may be their only choice and im realistic about that.

 

[hanax.]

What's your method? (if i may ask)

i apologize for the late reply, im thinking about partial hanging but im still experimenting on it.