Venting Im ready to go but i cant stop crying

[VampQueen]

Currently working on my suicide note. I wrote it months ago when i was planing to ctb. Im ready to go but not. Idk why this is s hard and conflicting. Why cant it be easy. I can barley even see the keybaored and screen as my eyes are filled with tears, blurring my vision. I just need it to be quick and painless and like i just fell asleep. no, not even that, like i never exsisted.

am i stupid?!!!! I NEED TO DIE BUT MY BODY WONT ELT ME!!!!!
fuck, i think i may be having a mental breakdown

My note:

To my family:​

I'm sorry it had to end this way, but I couldn't bare the pain anymore. Everyday feels the same. Life to me is a miserable, endless, monotonous cycle. It is my time to go. Although I've burned all my bridges, if there is an afterlife, I'd like to rebuild them. On the note of me being a miracle baby, I don't understand it. Why would God give birth to me just to die? I defied him and then I got punished for wanting to live. I get punished for wanting to be a normal human being, it's not fair. I love you all, I truly do. I just wish life had treated us all better.

To Cousins:​

You guys are my best friends and I really do love y'all from the base to the apex of my heart. Through the ups and downs, I'll never forget our shared memories and experiences. I must move on

To Siblingsk:​

I'm sorry that we never got along. I felt that everyone was stuck in their ways and I wanted to change. I wanted to break the habit of just smoking and drinking. I also think that y'all can't handle anger well, I hate being around yall when y'all are angry, not something I feel comfortable with. I wish we all got along better and had more in common, I know I'm the odd one of us 4. Please love each other and take care of yourselves.

To Mom and Dad:​

I love yall both. I wish I had more time with both of y'all. Please take care of yourselves and the rest of my siblings. Maybe my death will keep everyone closer together. I was the glue that held the family together, now it's your turn to fill in the gaps. Please take care of yourselves and take time to grief, I know losing a kid isn't easy, be kind to yourselves, it's not anyone's fault. I love you both

About my stuff:​

The password to my phone is @&^#. Most of my passwords should be in a Google doc on the google doc app. Please feel free to go through my phone and tablet, maybe I'll give you insight on the real me. @(*&^ can have my laptop and any other electronics besides the tablet, mom can have the tablet. Mom can have my peep plush, her name is Artemis, named after the Greek goddess. Please take care of her. If I still have my Inuyasha funko pops (toys), )!(@#&^^ can have them. They won't have any meaning to him but they have meaning to me. Inuyasha was my favorite show and I watched it all the time when I was depressed. I really identify with Inuyasha, the character. #(*^! and mom can fight to have my blanket. Mom can have my photo album, book, and whatever else I've missed out in this note.

This is my OFFICIAL WILL, please respect it to the best of your ability.​

 

[mythofsisyphus]

You're not stupid, you're human. Of course you're experiencing such conflicting emotions, I imagine anyone in your situation would be. I don't know your situation at all, so please feel free to ignore me if what I say doesn't fit. But if you're really struggling at the moment, which is totally understandable, remember that there's no rush to do anything. You've made it this far, no matter how awful things feel you have it in you to make it a bit further whilst you figure these feelings out with a clearer mind. Maybe step away from your note, it's not going anywhere and you can always come back to it later if you want to. But right now, is there anything you can do to help calm yourself down? Even if nothing makes you feel good, is there anything that can at least distract you for a bit?

I'm sorry, I don't want to come across as dismissive. It breaks my heart that you're in so much pain and what you're thinking and feeling is completely valid. I guess I just want you to know that you have time to figure things out one way or another. If you're really struggling at the moment maybe it's a sign to step away from thinking about this heavy stuff as much as you can, and then come back to it if and when it feels helpful.

 

[VampQueen]

You're not stupid, you're human. Of course you're experiencing such conflicting emotions, I imagine anyone in your situation would be. I don't know your situation at all, so please feel free to ignore me if what I say doesn't fit. But if you're really struggling at the moment, which is totally understandable, remember that there's no rush to do anything. You've made it this far, no matter how awful things feel you have it in you to make it a bit further whilst you figure these feelings out with a clearer mind. Maybe step away from your note, it's not going anywhere and you can always come back to it later if you want to. But right now, is there anything you can do to help calm yourself down? Even if nothing makes you feel good, is there anything that can at least distract you for a bit?

I'm sorry, I don't want to come across as dismissive. It breaks my heart that you're in so much pain and what you're thinking and feeling is completely valid. I guess I just want you to know that you have time to figure things out one way or another. If you're really struggling at the moment maybe it's a sign to step away from thinking about this heavy stuff as much as you can, and then come back to it if and when it feels helpful.

Yeah i closed my tabs for my note and plan. I feel a little calmer after watching on of my favorite videos on youtube. Going to close this tab for a few hours.

also mods, i understand if this post doesnt quite fit the cate and needs to be taken down. idk, im yapping now, stalling. bye