Venting I'm probably dropping out of college today

[ashfall]

I can't do it and I've been kidding myself thinking that I could. I haven't attended a single class or submitted a piece of homework since before Christmas and I completely failed my exams. I've been putting off making a decision but honestly, this is the only option. I'm so terrified and embarrassed at the thought of telling people I couldn't do it.

My younger sister goes to the same uni, is also in her first year and is doing a similar course to me. She has made loads of friends, joined societies, volunteers, goes out every night, has a part-time job and still gets good grades. She's pretty and smart and completely normal. She doesn't have a deformity, ADHD, dyspraxia or ASD. She is everything I wish I could be. I've tried so hard to 'fake it til I make it' but I'm too depressed and when I'm not depressed I'm consumed by anxiety. I can only keep up the charade of being normal and happy for so long before I get too tired and start to withdraw. I'm already repeating this year for medical reasons and it was supposed to be easy. I had all the notes from the first semester last year and most of the assignments were similar. I was too tired though. Too exhausted to do anything. And now I've completely fucked it up.

I'm weird and I always have been. I'm fine at making friends but then I mess up and they realise I'm weird or I get so worried they'll start to hate me that I push them away first.
I can't pretend it's anyone's fault but my own. I can't make it through a single social interaction without saying something stupid and wanting to die because of it. I'm so so stupid. I'm bad at remembering people's names and faces and I constantly worry whenever I'm out that I should know someone and they know me but I've forgotten them. I find it hard to recognise people I've known for years sometimes. I also live in constant fear that one day someone will attack me and hurt me and I won't be able to remember their face. And then they could be anyone.

I'm just not well suited to living. I'm so hypersensitive to everything that the world hurts so much. Every time I read about anything sad happening in the world like Israel-Palestine conflict or another climate change disaster it breaks me all over again. I can't even watch bloody comedy movies because I find the second-hand embarrassment physically painful. The world hurts too much so I spend all my time hiding from it and blocking out my thoughts.

I know it's stupid but college has always represented having a future for me. It's how you get a job, discover yourself and meet the friends you have for life. I know loads of people don't go to college and are happy and successful but dropping out feels like I'm finally admitting and fully committing to the fact I have no future. I'm letting go of the person I might have been. Ctb is my only path forward.

 

[Mr2005]

I did that 19 years ago and I'm still alive

 

[Sanva]

i relate to that so much.

i also have siblings who are healthy&doing extremely well in every respect of their lives while I feel like I'm just fucking up my entire life, it's so hard not to compare myself to them.

wish i could give you advice. dropping out of college definitely doesn't mean you don't have a future & it's not embarassing but i understand how it might seem that way to you. i wish you the best.

 

[freedompass]

I could also relate. I'm the only one in my whole immediate plus extended family that has mental health problems and they're pretty bad. It is hard not to compare for real. I'm nearly 60 now and keep away from all family gatherings where possible. I mean. Hopefully I'll make it to mum's funeral provided (worst case scenario) I'm not banged up in hospital, completely cuckoo. Here I am making it about me, but I guess what I wanna say is. For now, you seem to have the short straw compared to your sis. Who knows what the future holds. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You are facing challenges she manifestly isn't, the ballpark isn't level at all and you need to start where you are not where she is. You are a completely different person with a different path in life. You will develop your own set of skills and coping strategies. College isn't the be all and end all. I dropped out first time around at age 20, my mental health issues would not be properly diagnosed for another ten years. Ended up going back to Uni as a mature student at 37. It was the best thing I ever did and I had a blast. I had learned to manage myself better and was receiving help, was highly motivated and - importantly - the Uni gave me all the accommodations I needed to be successful (taking semesters off, extensions for coursework etc). So it's not a now or never thing.

 

[whatevs]

You are wrong in one thing: it is not your fault. Not in the way you imagine, at least. We are all "at fault" for being born and continuing to struggle to survive, but that's metaphysical and irrelevant here.

What's going on is that your sister is living life on easy mode. Think about it. You think all the shit she is doing is hard for her? No, it's as easy and mindless as walking for someone without a skeletal or muscular defect/deformity in their legs. YOUR life is hard. OUR life is hard. Never forget that. What they do is EASY. They just flow carelessly though life carrying a minor wight, while we limp with a mountain on our backs.

And yes, I'm crying a little bit now. Because one way to look at this is that if existing is so miserable and painstaking for us, while for some is a nonchalant procedure, perhaps autolysis can be construed as completely logical and desirable.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I'm sorry you're going through this. 37 years on this planet and i'm still amazed at how easy life is for some people, while I get overwhelmed and anxious constantly.

 

[Foresight]

It happens and it's understandable given the pressure you're under. Your sister is living life on easy mode. She will never know what you go through

I failed out of two colleges and ended up getting the degree at a third. Definitely a complication but not a death sentence.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through all this. That sounds very stressful and I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I also see myself as not being suited to living, I am not meant for this world and I struggle to cope with life. It is just the way I am. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[edu0z]

I can't do it and I've been kidding myself thinking that I could. I haven't attended a single class or submitted a piece of homework since before Christmas and I completely failed my exams. I've been putting off making a decision but honestly, this is the only option. I'm so terrified and embarrassed at the thought of telling people I couldn't do it.

My younger sister goes to the same uni, is also in her first year and is doing a similar course to me. She has made loads of friends, joined societies, volunteers, goes out every night, has a part-time job and still gets good grades. She's pretty and smart and completely normal. She doesn't have a deformity, ADHD, dyspraxia or ASD. She is everything I wish I could be. I've tried so hard to 'fake it til I make it' but I'm too depressed and when I'm not depressed I'm consumed by anxiety. I can only keep up the charade of being normal and happy for so long before I get too tired and start to withdraw. I'm already repeating this year for medical reasons and it was supposed to be easy. I had all the notes from the first semester last year and most of the assignments were similar. I was too tired though. Too exhausted to do anything. And now I've completely fucked it up.

I'm weird and I always have been. I'm fine at making friends but then I mess up and they realise I'm weird or I get so worried they'll start to hate me that I push them away first.
I can't pretend it's anyone's fault but my own. I can't make it through a single social interaction without saying something stupid and wanting to die because of it. I'm so so stupid. I'm bad at remembering people's names and faces and I constantly worry whenever I'm out that I should know someone and they know me but I've forgotten them. I find it hard to recognise people I've known for years sometimes. I also live in constant fear that one day someone will attack me and hurt me and I won't be able to remember their face. And then they could be anyone.

I'm just not well suited to living. I'm so hypersensitive to everything that the world hurts so much. Every time I read about anything sad happening in the world like Israel-Palestine conflict or another climate change disaster it breaks me all over again. I can't even watch bloody comedy movies because I find the second-hand embarrassment physically painful. The world hurts too much so I spend all my time hiding from it and blocking out my thoughts.

I know it's stupid but college has always represented having a future for me. It's how you get a job, discover yourself and meet the friends you have for life. I know loads of people don't go to college and are happy and successful but dropping out feels like I'm finally admitting and fully committing to the fact I have no future. I'm letting go of the person I might have been. Ctb is my only path forward.

I left college the first semester... I was studying engineering and it was the pride of my family, but I was really unhappy there... At first it was scary because all my friends were studying at that university and leaving was like taking a course away from them, in addition to everything my parents pressured me. But after leaving it I was able to dedicate myself to what I truly love(speculation on the stock market... and if I tell you a secret, I learned economics online by looking for books and researching, because the economists of the universities have no fucking idea what they are talking about...), and I spent a very happy time after that... I think it's a brave decision.

I was not good at making friends or interacting with people in general (on top of that the school was a scholarship)... I m sorry you're going through all that, I don't think you deserve it, be strong and wish you good luck.