Help I’m planning to ctb, but I’m scared that my family will blame themselves for my suicide

[Deafsn0w]

I just created a GoFundMe to help pay the college bills. Yes, I actually need money to pay the college bills (I signed up for summer courses and they will be ended soon). Not only for college funds, but also use funds to buy N. I sent the GoFundMe link to my family group chat and they gave me some funds and also shared my GoFundMe page on Facebook. I'm scared that they will later find out that I use their money to buy N. What should I do?? Should I delete my GoFundMe page? Right now, I'm feeling guilty :( Family is the reason I don't kill myself.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

how Old are you?

 

[Superdeterminist]

One obvious solution would be to write a suicide note explaining that your death was in no way their fault, if you're concerned about that. But whether they really believed the note would be another matter, and wouldn't be in your control.

 

[TAW122]

I don't think you should necessarily delete your GoFundMe page and as far as using money, I'm sure you have your own money that you earned, so perhaps they might not be able to prove that you used their money to buy said substance? Also, I agree with @Manoban writing a note explaining that you made your peace and that it isn't their fault. That should help put them at ease and whatever people choose to make of it would be up to them, that is something we don't have control over (how others react to things). I hope you will be able to find peace one way or another.

 

[Nymph]

I just created a GoFundMe to help pay the college bills. Yes, I actually need money to pay the college bills (I signed up for summer courses and they will be ended soon). Not only for college funds, but also use funds to buy N. I sent the GoFundMe link to my family group chat and they gave me some funds and also shared my GoFundMe page on Facebook. I'm scared that they will later find out that I use their money to buy N. What should I do?? Should I delete my GoFundMe page? Right now, I'm feeling guilty :( Family is the reason I don't kill myself.

This is a tough situation, they could blame themselves but how would they find out that you bought it from the gofundme money? Do you now have enough from your own pocket? Do they know how much N costs?

 

[Deafsn0w]

I don't think you should necessarily delete your GoFundMe page and as far as using money, I'm sure you have your own money that you earned, so perhaps they might not be able to prove that you used their money to buy said substance? Also, I agree with @Manoban writing a note explaining that you made your peace and that it isn't their fault. That should help put them at ease and whatever people choose to make of it would be up to them, that is something we don't have control over (how others react to things). I hope you will be able to find peace one way or another.

No I don't have a job or earn money. I only receive money from SSI, but they put SSI money in my mom's account. So I have to ask her to transfer money to my account and she can see my transactions. She would always check my transactions to make sure something's not illegal or unusual. Because of it, I have bought some bitcoins, which is something I don't normally buy. I already had almost $100 worth of Bitcoin in my electrum wallet.

This is a tough situation, they could blame themselves but how would they find out that you bought it from the gofundme money? Do you now have enough from your own pocket? Do they know how much N costs?

I don't know, but they could blame themselves for not preventing my suicide. I do not have enough money. I still need $700. I already had $100 worth of Bitcoin in my electrum wallet. I'm sure that they don't know what a N is and they have no idea that I'm planning to ctb.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm trying to find a way to not sound insensitive. If you decide to ctb it doesn't really matter after the fact which means you used to achieve it, IMO. Unless you did something illegal. You are doing something immoral tho. I think they will care more about losing you than determining what you took and how much it cost. Plus I'm sure funeral expenses are much higher than N. Really not trying to guilt trip you

 

[Apathy's Girl]

I think family guilt is a normal part of every suicide. I bought a book I'm going to leave for my husband if I ever get the courage to CTB, No Time to Say Goodbye by Carla Fine. It's kind of a self help book for people who have been through someone dying by suicide but it's not religious or preachy in any way. It has real life people talking about their experiences. Not the best book for some but something to think about.

 

[Silver]

I think your family will blame themselves in any case, whatever you spend the money on. I think unexpected death always leads to 'could I have prevented it?' thoughts. The best way of helping them would be reassuring them that you knew what you were doing and that they are not to blame.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Is there anyway that I can ensure that they blame themselves?

 

[Silver]

That seems cruel, Wayfaerer?

 

[Jessica5]

You won't be around to see your family blaming themselves for your suicide. I really wouldn't care about it, to be honest.

Anything that happens on earth after my death is completely irrelevant to me.

 

[LittleJem]

If people knew the facts more, then why should they blame themselves, when it can be genetic for example. I wish people know that often when people kill themselves it is because of mental torment. That's the research I've been reading. I have also read that people who commit suicide successfully have been shown to have a different brain structure. What I'm saying is that just because people can't see the torment, it doesn't mean it is not real.

But OP, I do want to ask - have you tried getting treatment at all - in case you are lucky one and treatment helps? I told myself I would try everything before CTB. Now I am two or three years into that trying everything phase, so a bit more into treatment resistance, bar a few meds I'm scared of....But I owed it to the people who love me to try things first.

Now I'm two or three years in, I am just saying that dying is what I want to do, and it's been enough time knowing that.

 

[Ghost2211]

I doubt they will overthink where the money came from for the N, as most people have no idea how much N cost (or where to get it)

There isn't much we can do outside of a note to help people not blame themselves. It's natural to think we could or should have done more to help someone. Suicide will cause there pain, and sadly that can't be avoided.