Yes... it's been tough, but with each day that passes, and the more I try and experiment with, the more certain I'm of this fact:
That I'm permanently broken.
Even if you gave me a river of love, a sea of love or an ocean of love, it'd be as useless as looking at the ceiling and expecting anything to miraculously change. No matter how much time you spend with me, or how many sweet words you say, or how many gifts you give me, or how hard you try while carefully choosing your words when talking with me... it simply won't happen. I'll still feel horrible, I'll still be full of hatred, both towards myself and the world, filled with anger and regret. There's nothing that can change it. No drug, no person. No words, no actions. Nothing.
After all, there's only so much that people can do. Time and energies are both limited. Desires are naturally selfish, so there's a limit to what can be said and done, as others also want to spend time with themselves doing things they enjoy. But even when it seems that limits are being broken, even when you're spending so much more time with me than anyone else ever has, even if you only took slightly longer to reply to my text this last time, even if I saw your post 60 minutes before you replied to me, like you were ignoring me on purpose, you still gave me the most that anyone ever has. And yet, I still feel this way. If you couldn't, is there really any hope that anyone else could?
I can't do it myself. I simply can't. I'm not like other people.
Perhaps I should have listened to myself, and never expect anything. Perhaps I should have stopped talking with you, before it became too late. But I swear I tried! I swear I said to myself: "don't raise your hopes up!". And yet I did. Yet I did. Because I'm permanently broken.
I want to love you for what you did for me. But I also hate you, because I can't help the thought that you could have done more. And yet, I really think you always did your best. I can't stop feeling so much filled with anger and hatred and sadness and loneliness all at once.
It's permanent. There's no cure, and no treatment either. I'm to go through this pain every day of my life, like a chronic disease, until I finally vanish from this meaningless, sadistic, sad world.
That I'm permanently broken.
Even if you gave me a river of love, a sea of love or an ocean of love, it'd be as useless as looking at the ceiling and expecting anything to miraculously change. No matter how much time you spend with me, or how many sweet words you say, or how many gifts you give me, or how hard you try while carefully choosing your words when talking with me... it simply won't happen. I'll still feel horrible, I'll still be full of hatred, both towards myself and the world, filled with anger and regret. There's nothing that can change it. No drug, no person. No words, no actions. Nothing.
After all, there's only so much that people can do. Time and energies are both limited. Desires are naturally selfish, so there's a limit to what can be said and done, as others also want to spend time with themselves doing things they enjoy. But even when it seems that limits are being broken, even when you're spending so much more time with me than anyone else ever has, even if you only took slightly longer to reply to my text this last time, even if I saw your post 60 minutes before you replied to me, like you were ignoring me on purpose, you still gave me the most that anyone ever has. And yet, I still feel this way. If you couldn't, is there really any hope that anyone else could?
I can't do it myself. I simply can't. I'm not like other people.
Perhaps I should have listened to myself, and never expect anything. Perhaps I should have stopped talking with you, before it became too late. But I swear I tried! I swear I said to myself: "don't raise your hopes up!". And yet I did. Yet I did. Because I'm permanently broken.
I want to love you for what you did for me. But I also hate you, because I can't help the thought that you could have done more. And yet, I really think you always did your best. I can't stop feeling so much filled with anger and hatred and sadness and loneliness all at once.
It's permanent. There's no cure, and no treatment either. I'm to go through this pain every day of my life, like a chronic disease, until I finally vanish from this meaningless, sadistic, sad world.
