Help I’m numb to my own bus, but others getting on fuxks me up. Help.

[abigail]

Hi friends,

When I think about myself getting on the bus, I don't really feel anything. There have been times in my life where I have been only a handful of minutes away from my SN after days of preparation, or, times like recently where I nearly accidentally got on the bus ~ each one of these times I've felt nothing bar maybe a bit of happiness and relief.

But, whenever I see someone else talking about getting on their own bus or those who have managed to get on it, I can't hold myself back from my emotions. It breaks my heart.

I've been a years-long lurker of here, and it happens everytime.

I cry for maybe 10 - 15 minutes every time someone goes. I'm glad they are finally peace but I feel so sad this was their only option.

Is this normal…? I don't even know what I'm looking for here, advice I suppose.

 

[paintedwreath]

I feel the same way. Makes being on this site really hard tbh

 

[abigail]

I feel the same way. Makes being on this site really hard tbh

I love this site, it's the only place I can truly feel like I can express myself without judgement. But my soul is hurt so very badly everytime.

 

[null_blank]

Maybe some of it is the simple sadness of knowing that someone has left the chat.

Maybe some of it is jealousy that they did so when it could have been you.

It is also complicated for me, the heart twinge of seeing a crossed out username; out of both knowing the leaving and missing the peace they now have that I also long for.

 

[abigail]

Whenever I see a crossed out name I can't help but break down.

 

[CatLvr]

Maybe some of it is the simple sadness of knowing that someone has left the chat.

Maybe some of it is jealousy that they did so when it could have been you.

It is also complicated for me, the heart twinge of seeing a crossed out username; out of both knowing the leaving and missing the peace they now have that I also long for.

You have described my experience with these posts to a t. It is such a complicated thing to feel both joy and pain for the same event.

 

[abigail]

I fear the reason that these emotions have gotten worse the past few months is due to a close online friend of mine getting on the bus. They have a thread on here that I haven't dared to open. I saw their Discord about me change to a SaSu link with goodbye & sn in the URL.

I never even knew they were on here. I may have read their posts without knowing. Part of me never wants to find out their username as I know i'd not be able to stop myself from crying for days and days.

 

[maniac116]

Hi friends,

When I think about myself getting on the bus, I don't really feel anything. There have been times in my life where I have been only a handful of minutes away from my SN after days of preparation, or, times like recently where I nearly accidentally got on the bus ~ each one of these times I've felt nothing bar maybe a bit of happiness and relief.

But, whenever I see someone else talking about getting on their own bus or those who have managed to get on it, I can't hold myself back from my emotions. It breaks my heart.

I've been a years-long lurker of here, and it happens everytime.

I cry for maybe 10 - 15 minutes every time someone goes. I'm glad they are finally peace but I feel so sad this was their only option.

Is this normal…? I don't even know what I'm looking for here, advice I suppose.

I feel the same way. I came here to figure out how I would CTB, but after seeing others pain expressed it woke my heart up.
I realize now that it's empathy. That human connection that I'm feeling for others & it's a beautiful thing. I still don't like myself because I don't meet my idealistic "standards" but I can't stand others feeling as I do about myself!
This forum is ironic in that we care about others suffering, yet hate ourselves or our lives. I'm less ready to go than when I got to this forum.
I hope you find your way, whatever you choose....

 

[Dot]

Hi friends,

When I think about myself getting on the bus, I don't really feel anything. There have been times in my life where I have been only a handful of minutes away from my SN after days of preparation, or, times like recently where I nearly accidentally got on the bus ~ each one of these times I've felt nothing bar maybe a bit of happiness and relief.

But, whenever I see someone else talking about getting on their own bus or those who have managed to get on it, I can't hold myself back from my emotions. It breaks my heart.

I've been a years-long lurker of here, and it happens everytime.

I cry for maybe 10 - 15 minutes every time someone goes. I'm glad they are finally peace but I feel so sad this was their only option.

Is this normal…? I don't even know what I'm looking for here, advice I suppose.

100% norml imo

U r stll humn & u stll hve M-pathy fr ppl

 

[EG1141]

Hi friends,

When I think about myself getting on the bus, I don't really feel anything. There have been times in my life where I have been only a handful of minutes away from my SN after days of preparation, or, times like recently where I nearly accidentally got on the bus ~ each one of these times I've felt nothing bar maybe a bit of happiness and relief.

But, whenever I see someone else talking about getting on their own bus or those who have managed to get on it, I can't hold myself back from my emotions. It breaks my heart.

I've been a years-long lurker of here, and it happens everytime.

I cry for maybe 10 - 15 minutes every time someone goes. I'm glad they are finally peace but I feel so sad this was their only option.

Is this normal…? I don't even know what I'm looking for here, advice I suppose.

Yeah, I think that's absolutely normal. Death is an inherently sad thing, the crossing over from this life to the next.

 

[maniac116]

I fear the reason that these emotions have gotten worse the past few months is due to a close online friend of mine getting on the bus. They have a thread on here that I haven't dared to open. I saw their Discord about me change to a SaSu link with goodbye & sn in the URL.

I never even knew they were on here. I may have read their posts without knowing. Part of me never wants to find out their username as I know i'd not be able to stop myself from crying for days and days.

I'm so sorry at the loss of your friend

 

[rozeske]

It's how most of us feel. It's not a wining situation and not really something to celebrate about but atleast we are fortunate enough to have found such space.

 

[abigail]

thank you all for your messages ~

 

[Cyagangy]

Hi friends,

When I think about myself getting on the bus, I don't really feel anything. There have been times in my life where I have been only a handful of minutes away from my SN after days of preparation, or, times like recently where I nearly accidentally got on the bus ~ each one of these times I've felt nothing bar maybe a bit of happiness and relief.

But, whenever I see someone else talking about getting on their own bus or those who have managed to get on it, I can't hold myself back from my emotions. It breaks my heart.

I've been a years-long lurker of here, and it happens everytime.

I cry for maybe 10 - 15 minutes every time someone goes. I'm glad they are finally peace but I feel so sad this was their only option.

Is this normal…? I don't even know what I'm looking for here, advice I suppose.

It's normal it's basic empathy and compassion. For the most part no one wants die but sometimes it's the only option for some people.

 

[Nefera]

It fucks me up immensely, I'm used to my own struggles and mental issues but whenever I see someone going through bad times here I wish I could fix it like magic :(

Considering the whole premise of the site I'm trying hard to not get attached to it's users but I can't help it, I get that sense of familiarity just by seeing them on the forum often even if I never interacted with them, it sucks