Venting I'm not sure what to do

[pochii]

What has been keeping me from suicide all this time has really been my mom. I cant stand the thought of the pain she would feel. I have seen her cry and I have seen her grieve. It breaks my heart and this is why I don't know what to do. I think about catching the bus every single day. I haven't not thought about it at least once a day in idk how long.
On one hand, I tell myself she would feel so much pain that it would probably shorten her remaining time alive. On the other, I tell myself she is strong and has been through a lot before and that she would be okay.

I think the truth of it is that it will hurt her a lot, more than I could know. But she is also strong, though I don't know if it would shorten her time alive. I live for her and I know thats bad and I should live for me but i cant i just cant i dont care what anyone has to say about it i tried and tried and tried and talked ot so many people and doctors and im done. I wanna leave so bad but im worried about my mother BUT i cant stand it anymore. Idk what to do.

 

[mortuarymary]

Your mom loves you. I'd try and stay if i was you. What's your reasoning for CTB?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Idk what you can actually do. There's always someone suffering. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But y do u want CTB to badly?

 

[pochii]

Your mom loves you. I'd try and stay if i was you. What's your reasoning for CTB?

She does. I love her too. There are alot of contributions to why I would like to ctb but the best way to sum all of it up ig is just that I hate living in fear which I have been for years. I have a panic disorder and it really makes things hard for me. A lot of the time i just dont feel safe. In addition I am just very sad and dont really feel like im worth anything. My aunt killed herself and my father no longer talks to me. I lost all my friends but have since made a few new ones. I have been medicated for this stuff and am currently being put on a new medication for depression but things just seems to change for the worse the more it continues.

To be clear I fully understand there is good and bad to come in the future and I am fully ready to let go of both the good and bad in life. I am simply done. I would like to be done and I would like to leave and never come back. If people think its selfish then I feel I deserve to be selfish this time.

 

[Labyrinth]

Try until there is no other option but death.

 

[pochii]

I dont wanna rant too much and be annoying so imma just add one other thing and thats that I just hate my body. I have a problem with food and eating and my family really get on me about that and get mad and it feels like with that i can never win so thats a contributor as well

Try until there is no other option but death.

Feels like its almost there <3

 

[mortuarymary]

If you feel like you are close then we are here to support you. Only you know truly what you want.

 

[orAbleCk]

I love my mom too. So much more than she'll ever know I'm afraid. And what sucks most is I promised her a while ago that we'd figure this all out together no matter what so I feel like the worst person in the world. breaking that promise. I wish we could both just stay in this protective bubbles with our moms and not have to face realities but it's just not realistic and that's what's terrifying. Stepping out into the unknown without her by my side for once. Sending you all the love in the world from someone who knows how it feels.