What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me as a trans person, which is not to say you are or aren't also trans, but I get it. If you have privacy and a little extra money, you can pick up some inexpensive women's clothes and makeup and experiment with femme presentation. Basically, the same advice as RainAndSadness, but for your presentation rather than your body. The start of my gender exploration in earnest was a garment that cost me $3 from a big box store via in-store pickup.
You can also imagine having a more traditionally women's name or pronouns. Transition can be just social transition or just medical transition or both. It's whatever the person makes of it. (Legal transition is a whole other can of worms but in practice nobody explores that first.)
If you're able to, find a therapist who has experience working with trans people to help you explore that possibility. Even if you find you're not trans, well, I think you're less likely to be steered awry by someone with trans experience than someone without.
Thank you, I'll take the questions into account for a while before I can give a concrete answer.
It's also okay if you never have a concrete answer. My opinion is gender as an institution isn't nearly as concrete as we're led to believe anyway. Explore, play, have fun.
Someone upthread mentioned self-hate and trauma. For lots of us, our trauma came about because of how others responded to our transness. I'm such a person, so for me, exploring my transness was what led me to accepting I had trauma to address.
Also, this is a cool web thing.
https://www.faceshape.com/gender-swap
