Venting I'm not sure if I should keep going

[kuroshimi]

Hello again.

So, on the one hand I've already decided that I will CTB someday, but on the other hand I don't think I'm ready yet.

The world is declining. And I don't want to be part of it. But I still have some hope left. I have (quite vague) plans to move to another country after graduating university, yet I am still not sure if I live long enough to even see it and I don't want deal with all difficulties. Well, I even can't really deal with more down-to-earth things in present. And I still don't know what to do with my life.

I think I shouldn't have be born to deal with all that stuff. My entire life is nothing but suffering. My childhood just literally destroyed and now there is some kind of uncertainty.

Also, many people care about me. Family, some friends on the net, classmates - all of them are worrying about me. And I don't want to abandon them.

 

[Unlucky777]

If you are not ready then dont go, stay.

I stayed and I'm glad I did. I feel the same way as you and on some occasions I don't want to be part of this world but I'm hopeful that the tides are going to turn (they already are for me). For the last year I wanted to CTB but now I'm changing my life around and going back to school to study something I enjoy so I'm going to stick around. You have people that care about you so yeah stick around. Again, I feel the same way you do and have similar experiences you describe. So I get it.

 

[helplesship]

but yeah... you really think this whole mess is gonna stay the same forever? from your side and theirs, any of that gonna hold up? you don't even sound sure you'll stick around yourself, right? i ain't tryna push you to do anything, just sayin. reality's weird. the world's kinda cool if you survive it and score shit the "right" way, by law, by faith, by whatever people call righteousness. surviving looks better on paper than it does at 3am, lowkey. gotta peek at both sides, see the angles, understand the noise. it's messy but that's just how it is. but if you've been hollow since you were a kid, idk man, i'm not convinced anything will really last. anyway, gl with your path, hope you find some peace with whatever you choose. take care​

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think sometimes the fear of doing something can be worse than the actual thing. Moving country would be a big, scary step but then, you won't truly know how it will feel and how well or badly you'll cope till you do it. Also, knowing you find certain things difficult and, it sounding like you do have people who care in your life- I suspect you could ask them for support during that time.

It's one of those things that could go either way though. You may struggle with the isolation in a new place and, trying to fit in again. There again, it could be hugely liberating, you may meet people on a similar journey as you that you make friends with. It's all unknowns at the moment.

I suppose I'd say a curiosity/ hope is maybe enough to try to pursue life at the moment though. Obviously- you know more how difficult that will be. But, I suppose for many of us- deciding we won't suicide now doesn't mean we never will. If you use it as a kind of comfort- which I think a lot of us do. An escape if things become too much. It will still be there. Just- further down the road, when you have a better sense on whether you enjoy your new life somewhere else.

I haven't moved countries but I have made 2-3 complete house moves. One was to a new place and back. All to follow jobs. Overall, it was a good thing to experience I think. Even if the jobs themselves didn't work out. Sometimes, I think it just helps to know we tried those things.

 

[Seneca65AD]

but yeah... you really think this whole mess is gonna stay the same forever? from your side and theirs, any of that gonna hold up? you don't even sound sure you'll stick around yourself, right? i ain't tryna push you to do anything, just sayin. reality's weird. the world's kinda cool if you survive it and score shit the "right" way, by law, by faith, by whatever people call righteousness. surviving looks better on paper than it does at 3am, lowkey. gotta peek at both sides, see the angles, understand the noise. it's messy but that's just how it is. but if you've been hollow since you were a kid, idk man, i'm not convinced anything will really last. anyway, gl with your path, hope you find some peace with whatever you choose. take care​

Well said!

 

[kuroshimi]

Thanks, everyone.

Probably I should stick around a bit, but I feel like I have suffered enough and I just don't want to see what happens next. But at the same time I don't really want to give up on life (?). Quite a strange feeling.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

It all depends on you... do you want to suffer more or end it ? That's always been the question I ask myself...

 

[Unlucky777]

Thanks, everyone.

Probably I should stick around a bit, but I feel like I have suffered enough and I just don't want to see what happens next. But at the same time I don't really want to give up on life (?). Quite a strange feeling.

Yup that's about how I feel about it also.

The urge to want to leave is there but also don't want to give up just yet. That push-pull tug of war is very emotionally draining. Some days I'm on here looking up methods and other days I'm like "but things have been getting better"


IDK. it's all very confusing right now. My emotions also get the best of me. I have intrusive thoughts and sometimes my thoughts are enough to make me want to say "fuck it I want to end it all"

 

[OnceTheHappiestMan]

I was in a similar situation when I was in the middle of my university cycle. I was very close to ctb but finally I didn't, and also move out (in my case not another country, but quite far away from home) and I can tell you that I don't regret it, I could live a life, have experiences that will always be with me, find love.

Then maybe you fall down again or not, but if you think that there could be a chance, then try it.

I might have lost all hope and end it all someday, but at least I have my memories and the certainty that I tried my best.