Venting I'm not sure anymore

[rodie9k]

I was fairly determined to die over the past few weeks. Today I met with mother and now that motivation is gone.

She loves me and I don't want her to be sad. She loves me because she doesn't know the horrible person I am inside. Her love stems from a misunderstanding.

I wish she could see inside my head to know the kind of person I really am. But she can't, and due to this misunderstanding she will be sad instead of happy when I'm dead.

I wish I hadn't met her. Now all I can think about is everything we did being the last thing we did. She took a stupid selfie with me where I looked like garbage (as usual). That's the last photo. We shared a sandwich, that's the last meal.

I wish she knew the real me and hated me. I wish this for everyone. I'm sorry for posting here. I'm not even sure what I wanna hear from you.

actually, I want you to convince me that my mom's misunderstanding of me and the resulting love isn't worth living for. I know if I continue living then over the years she'll begin to see the real me and start hating me.

I wish that day would come sooner. everyone except my family sees the real me. I think most of my family does, too. except my parents. they're delusional about my worthiness. I think it's because I'm an only son so they have no backup child

 

[makethepainstop]

Being a gay man with a Christian redneck family, I do understand people loving you, who love the image they have of you. Not loving you for your real self. It is painful. I hope you can find love and peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be hard to deal with being in that situation. I do believe that others would never really be able to understand us as they cannot experience life in the same way. We are all very alone and sometimes people think what they want to believe rather than the reality. I wish you freedom.

 

[flightless bird]

She loves me and I don't want her to be sad. She loves me because she doesn't know the horrible person I am inside. Her love stems from a misunderstanding.

Don't underestimate people. People know and understand things. Your mom can sense what you are. And I think that this post alone proves you're not horrible inside.

Why do you think you're horrible anyway?

 

[rodie9k]

Why do you think you're horrible anyway?

nobody other than my parents and aunt think I'm a good person. other people's treatment of me implies they don't find me worthwhile. so the only explanation is that my family doesn't see what others see

that could be because they misunderstand me, or because they are in denial, or some similar reason. if they see what everyone else sees, they'll find me worthless too

Being a gay man with a Christian redneck family, I do understand people loving you, who love the image they have of you. Not loving you for your real self.

I'm sorry you're having difficulties with family. Have you found acceptance among friends? Also how do you manage how your family will feel after your death?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Not sure = No CTB.

 

[Hollowillow]

I was fairly determined to die over the past few weeks. Today I met with mother and now that motivation is gone.

She loves me and I don't want her to be sad. She loves me because she doesn't know the horrible person I am inside. Her love stems from a misunderstanding.

I wish she could see inside my head to know the kind of person I really am. But she can't, and due to this misunderstanding she will be sad instead of happy when I'm dead.

I wish I hadn't met her. Now all I can think about is everything we did being the last thing we did. She took a stupid selfie with me where I looked like garbage (as usual). That's the last photo. We shared a sandwich, that's the last meal.

I wish she knew the real me and hated me. I wish this for everyone. I'm sorry for posting here. I'm not even sure what I wanna hear from you.

actually, I want you to convince me that my mom's misunderstanding of me and the resulting love isn't worth living for. I know if I continue living then over the years she'll begin to see the real me and start hating me.

I wish that day would come sooner. everyone except my family sees the real me. I think most of my family does, too. except my parents. they're delusional about my worthiness. I think it's because I'm an only son so they have no backup child

Tell her the real you?

Do you eat kittens for breakfast & rape a kidnapped 5 years old locked in your basement? No? You're not that bad.

Are you simply exhausted all the time? Sad? That happens to malnourished overworked slaves. They burn out. Some sooner than later. Many just drop dead of a heart attack suddently. Lucky...

You have the chance to have a mother who takes responsibility for her baby. Good for you. You don't have to deserve it. The devotion is about who she choose to be. If people choose to treat you like garbage it's still not proof of your worth. If they act like garbage, they are garbage. The fact that they lack compassion for your suffering doesn't mean that you deserve to suffer & to be despised. It means they're heartless assholes. Being the majority doesn't make them right. But it makes the rare kind people look even more precious.

She'd still love you even if you were a serial killer. She's bring stuff to you in prison. Enjoy the hugs.

About suicide, do what you wish. Enjoy your mom for a while, maybe explore the world a bit. You can off yourself ehen things turn to shit.

(Ps: if you are a pedo please jump in the nearest wood chipper feet first. But you sound like a sad child who need a hug. So feel free to call your mom)

 

[rodie9k]

Do you eat kittens for breakfast & rape a kidnapped 5 years old locked in your basement? No?

no, none of those things. also not a pedo. nothing illegal, except tax evasion :/

If people choose to treat you like garbage it's still not proof of your worth. If they act like garbage, they are garbage. The fact that they lack compassion for your suffering doesn't mean that you deserve to suffer & to be despised. It means they're heartless assholes.

then what proves my worth? in any case, I don't like the way people treat me

they don't act like garbage to each other. they have compassion for each other. they're specifically and only shit to me. they're not heartless assholes to people they care about

I've lived in 8 cities and 5 countries. if everywhere I go people are shit to me, but not shit to each other, it means there's something wrong with me.

I'm not even denying there's something wrong with me. I feel miserable in friendships and relationships, so I deliberately end them. the misery comes from being overly defensive and distrusting, not expressing myself and wearing a facade around people. I don't know how to feel safe around others

the problem is the select few family members who think I'm a good person. I'm uncertain if 1) hurting them by suiciding is a good idea and 2) whether they're being honest that I'm a good person

 

[rodie9k]

yesterday evening I was gonna do it. but my roommate was there, so I couldn't bring out the jar of SN. now I'm only able to find motivation for around an hour at best to do it. after an hour, it subsides. I'll do it tomorrow (I had lunch today, so stomach won't be empty). I'd written a goodbye post, but it became too long and personal to post here. so I guess this is now the goodbye thread.

but who knows, I'm a worthless coward. I'm not sad enough right now to kill myself. I wish I were. I'm fucking up academic commitments, not paying attention in class. and I keep doing embarrassing shit. I've no idea what I'm doing with life.

what are the reasons for not doing it? I'm not particularly miserable right now. I don't know why. hopefully when my academic slacking starts having consequences I'll find the motivation

 

[rodie9k]

okay I'll do it tomorrow if nothing eventful happens. I'm writing here because I want to say things and saying them to anyone in real life risks getting found out

I just- I don't know anymore. I don't know what to think. somehow I'm thinking that living for trivial bullshit like food makes sense.

I think opening up to the idea of blowing all my savings on good tasting food has gotten in the way. eating good food feels good. and I don't wanna make this the reason I drag on a few weeks longer

I used to think that feeling good doesn't matter. but now I think if I'm gonna kill myself might as well enjoy a bit.

fuck it's not gonna happen. I won't die at this rate

 

[Pluto]

I relate to what you say about always being singled out and treated poorly. But in my case, it started from a very young age as the family scapegoat and became deeply engrained in my subconscious. Also, certain social skills need to be taught and explained, or else we are set up to have endless miserable experiences. I don't think it's necessary to beat one's self up about it, and there are possible avenues for moving forward if you are interested. Though having said that, it is possible that CTB will be the only solution for me too.

 

[rodie9k]

there are possible avenues for moving forward if you are interested

I have very little faith in my ability to learn things, especially if it's related to social interaction. the idea of distrusting people's intentions and wearing a defensive facade isn't going anywhere

just today, a friend, with whom I was getting slightly comfortable, said he'd report me if I continued talking about suicide. expressing my thoughts was a mistake

but I don't wanna leave any stone unturned. could you please let me know the possible avenues for moving forward?

 

[rodie9k]

I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I can't keep going through this pain. this has to end. I have to end this tomorrow

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I definitely know how you are feeling right now. Been feeling this exact way past couple of weeks. Thought the site would help, but, it doesn't really. Mostly strangers now and it's difficult fir me to get to know new people all over again. Besides, seems the cliques are already firming here as well...there really is no safe place anymore.

 

[Pluto]

but I don't wanna leave any stone unturned. could you please let me know the possible avenues for moving forward?

Recovery tends to require a good amount of dedication. Even then it can fail despite all optimisim and every effort, as I seem to be finding. It also depends on what your actual goal might be. It could be forming meaningful social connections or finding a non-mainstream pathway such as spirituality.

The example you give is a classic case of needing some guidance around the question of social faux pas. People tend to be comfortable with shallow topics in most everyday settings and are most attracted to humour, and it could take many months before it is appropriate to discuss heavy issues like trauma or death. If no one explains concepts like this in plain English, the result will be a vicious circle of alienation and degrading mental health. Also, if autism and/or PTSD is a factor, it would be worth considering specialist support.

I understand if this could be 'too little, too late'. That is how I am feeling about a lot of the advice that my friends are giving me. But I wanted to answer your question as best I could.

 

[rodie9k]

People tend to be comfortable with shallow topics in most everyday settings and are most attracted to humour

that makes sense, and for a time (2015–2017) I tried doing this. I tried doing what "normal" people do generally. except talking about shallow topics didn't make me happy. and dragging myself through that misery, pretending to be interested, was pointless at best and disingenuous at worst

I'd walk away from conversations not satisfied, but utterly exhausted of acting and engineering fake responses. I think I'm aware that people don't find stuff like death an attractive topic, but then I'd rather not talk at all

thanks for answering the questions, I think on the whole recovery might not be for me

 

[Pluto]

I hear what you are saying. It has been similar for me. I have at times made friends with some interesting people who have faced death due to war or personal calamities, but find sheltered people hard to relate to. It's increasingly looking like recovery isn't for me, either.

 

[rodie9k]

my roommate's lectures are increasingly becoming the reason I'm alive. he left for an afternoon class, and I went outside to see the world to remind myself there's no hope. when I came back prepared to kill myself, he was there because the lecture was cancelled

this isn't funny. I'm starting to think god's having a laugh at my expense

 

[ojinzo]

I was fairly determined to die over the past few weeks. Today I met with mother and now that motivation is gone.

She loves me and I don't want her to be sad. She loves me because she doesn't know the horrible person I am inside. Her love stems from a misunderstanding.

I wish she could see inside my head to know the kind of person I really am. But she can't, and due to this misunderstanding she will be sad instead of happy when I'm dead.

I wish I hadn't met her. Now all I can think about is everything we did being the last thing we did. She took a stupid selfie with me where I looked like garbage (as usual). That's the last photo. We shared a sandwich, that's the last meal.

I wish she knew the real me and hated me. I wish this for everyone. I'm sorry for posting here. I'm not even sure what I wanna hear from you.

actually, I want you to convince me that my mom's misunderstanding of me and the resulting love isn't worth living for. I know if I continue living then over the years she'll begin to see the real me and start hating me.

I wish that day would come sooner. everyone except my family sees the real me. I think most of my family does, too. except my parents. they're delusional about my worthiness. I think it's because I'm an only son so they have no backup child

Live! Run free and live!