Venting I'm not really second guessing my decision to CTB, but I don't know the future...

[OldGod]

I'm going crazy with this. The past couple days I've been wondering how the future would be. The thing is this isn't the first time I've been in this position, longing for something with naive hope. It never happens. I'm in that position again now. There's so many things that tell me the future does not look hopeful and that more hurt is on the way but I also can't ignore the fact that I don't truly know what will happen. I've been going in circles with this. I really really don't want to suffer anymore and when I think about what's pushing me to this I can see why it won't change. There's logic behind this and there's past experiences to base it on. But then again you never really know. Dammit, my mind is a mess.

Sorry, I don't have any solid support systems and this post probably seems all over the place. I'm just trying to vent without being too specific because I'd rather not be judged for my reasons.

Everything is set to go down this Saturday. Obviously I can always back out but this would be an ideal time to do it.

Deep in my soul I want things to be different. I want to believe that the future will be good but I've fooled myself into thinking that before and have been hurt just the same. I feel like I'm going crazy here.

 

[Ghost2211]

Just take it one day at a time. In the end that's all we can really do.

 

[Indieblue]

Sn shelf life is long so there is no rush. :) how about waiting at least until you are 30 and then decide? I think people's future is pretty much set in stone by then.

 

[OldGod]

Two things on my mind are:

1. If it fails somehow and I get saved, I'm actually going to look crazy.

2. If it succeeds, I'm pretty much guaranteeing that the things I'm afraid of most will happen. Although I won't be here to suffer through them, I dunno, I still feel hurt by that idea.

 

[Ploj]

Damn I feel you

 

[teddybear1403]

I feel you man, my motivation for wanting to ctb is because I'm hoping in that world, or what I see is just my girl, going through hardships with her, fighting, but, this time will be different. In this one, we can go through anything and still not leave each other then I'll marry her, raise a family, have two children named Lucas and Maria, and just be happy in my own reality.

 

[SugarbushMtn]

I can relate, been suicidal since 1984. Still here, always trying new experiences but never been happy/satisfied. Someday I am sure I will but others hold me here.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Deep in my soul I want things to be different. I want to believe that the future will be good but I've fooled myself into thinking that before and have been hurt just the same.

I resonate with this so much and is one of the main reasons I am choosing to ctb. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Melkus2020]

Wish you luck on what ever you decide on. Life or death?

 

[SolomonKado]

I'm going crazy with this. The past couple days I've been wondering how the future would be. The thing is this isn't the first time I've been in this position, longing for something with naive hope. It never happens. I'm in that position again now. There's so many things that tell me the future does not look hopeful and that more hurt is on the way but I also can't ignore the fact that I don't truly know what will happen. I've been going in circles with this. I really really don't want to suffer anymore and when I think about what's pushing me to this I can see why it won't change. There's logic behind this and there's past experiences to base it on. But then again you never really know. Dammit, my mind is a mess.

Sorry, I don't have any solid support systems and this post probably seems all over the place. I'm just trying to vent without being too specific because I'd rather not be judged for my reasons.

Everything is set to go down this Saturday. Obviously I can always back out but this would be an ideal time to do it.

Deep in my soul I want things to be different. I want to believe that the future will be good but I've fooled myself into thinking that before and have been hurt just the same. I feel like I'm going crazy here.

I used to not even think of CTB. I didn't until recently and I'm 40+. One thing I did in life is keep telling myself "things will get better" and "hang in there you don't know the future." Now multiple health and mental health problems I am scared to think of the future. I think some people will actually be okay. The rest of us just seem like we are not supposed to be here and the universe is trying to tell us "get out." I've been through some serious stuff and it all happened to me, not because of me. If it was because of me I could learn how to change things about myself. Things happening to me, though, you can't change others or the world. I wish you luck and peace of mind so in your final moments you know what to choose.