greyismyfavecolor
Member
- Jul 16, 2020
- 26
I feel lost in my life.
I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I've been depressed for years now. Everyone says it gets better but it doesn't.
It's slowly getting worse every day. I feel like I can barely function.
I can't go in public without feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack. I feel like this even when talking to my own family (I live with my parents). I usually have a "I don't care, it doesn't matter" mindset about most things, but I somehow can't apply it here. I freeze every time I have to socialize, I can't seem to figure out how to relax around people.
I used to have a few hobbies, but now I can't enjoy anything at all. Everything feels the same - boring, pointless and a waste of time.
I feel lonely and isolated all the time. I talk to people online sometimes but it isn't the same. Everywhere I look, I see happy people, and it makes me feel a weird kind of way - I suppose it's a mix of anger, sadness and jealousy? I can't relate to most people at all. I don't think I've ever been truly happy.
I can't think clearly. My thoughts are messy and don't make sense. It gets extremely uncomfortable so I have to distract myself all the time. And what is the easiest way to distract myself? By wasting time on the internet, of course. I spend way too much time online to the point it's bad for me. I feel like a hypocrite because I hate modern technology but I don't know what else to do. My thoughts turn into complete nonsense, the only way I can avoid it is by ignoring it.
I hate myself. I wish I could die. And I hate others for hurting me. I wish I could hurt them back. I won't because I'm not that kind of person and I know it's not worth it. But I can't get the thoughts out of my head.
I feel like there's no escape, no way to change my current situation. Therapy is a fucking scam.
I tried getting "help" when I was younger (or should I say, I was forced to). It wasn't helpful at all. I got on way too many high dose medications and I experienced bad side effects that no one warned me about. Psychiatrists never listened to me, my medical records and diagnoses are completely inaccurate and full of things I never said. I felt terrible. I was forced to hide my true feelings and I still can't forget it.
Now I've been out for a while. I don't have any contact with mental health workers anymore.
How do people think a random guy who pretends to care about my problems for money will help anything? Despite my doubts and awful experiences, I've actually started trying to find a new therapist - I suppose I could try to give it another chance, what do I have to lose? But then I found out how long the waiting lists are. Yeah, sure, I'll just ignore my problems for a year, that will work.
I don't even think I could trust a therapist again. I hate people who have authority over me, I hate knowing that they have the power to lock me up, that their words matter more than mine.
I know the problem isn't me. I'm not sick for not wanting to participate in a modern capitalist society where everyone only cares about money and themselves.
I can either become homeless, or work for a company that could replace me in a few days, for the rest of my life. How can people be happy with such a lifestyle? Work to get money, use the money to buy products to make you temporarily happy. Am I the only one who sees no point in this? I'm disgusted in how normalized overconsumption is. Children in poor underdeveloped countries have to work for the clothes and technology we buy without thinking about it.
There's almost no privacy anymore. Security cameras, digital tracking... you name it. And people are fine with it because it's convenient. But what about the long term consequences?
Look at the current coronavirus pandemic. I don't want to start conspiracy theories. I'd just like to point out the power the government has over the citizens. Making new laws and mandatory rules? Without any problem. And people are fine with it. Because it's for our own safety, apparently - sure, politicians definitely care about the people.
Look at the mental health system. People getting forcibly drugged, "treated" against their own will, like we're criminals - but what is the crime? Wanting to die? I don't need anyone "saving" me, doing things "for my own protection". But who gets to decide what is a mental illness and what isn't? Is there really something wrong with a person who doesn't want to work for a pointless job every day for the majority of their life? Or is this just what we're told to think, because the system needs quiet obedient workers to function?
How am I supposed to be happy in a world like this? And what do I have to live for if I'm alone for everything? It feels pointless. I can't change anything. People don't care, everyone is too selfish and apathetic, absorbed in their own worlds, only caring about short term pleasure. Every time I even mention such a subject, they look at me weirdly - "well, no one likes to work, but there's still other fun things in life! You need to work to earn money or else you'll be hungry!" Am I the only one who finds it so disappointing that this is the majority's mindset?
If I had the chance to, I'd leave everyone and everything and go live into the wild on my own. But I can't. Not only do I have no experience, but I'm also a woman with chronic pain so another thing that makes it completely impossible.
Sorry for this long rant, I guess. I also apologize for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language and I'm tired from not sleeping well. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm so tired of everything.
Every day is the same meaningless things over and over again. My thoughts never shut up. I wish there was an easier way out. I've been wanting to kill myself for years but I still haven't found an accessible, reliable method.
It would be easier if I at least had someone to talk to - someone I could trust. But I guess I'll be alone and miserable until it's finally over.
I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I've been depressed for years now. Everyone says it gets better but it doesn't.
It's slowly getting worse every day. I feel like I can barely function.
I can't go in public without feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack. I feel like this even when talking to my own family (I live with my parents). I usually have a "I don't care, it doesn't matter" mindset about most things, but I somehow can't apply it here. I freeze every time I have to socialize, I can't seem to figure out how to relax around people.
I used to have a few hobbies, but now I can't enjoy anything at all. Everything feels the same - boring, pointless and a waste of time.
I feel lonely and isolated all the time. I talk to people online sometimes but it isn't the same. Everywhere I look, I see happy people, and it makes me feel a weird kind of way - I suppose it's a mix of anger, sadness and jealousy? I can't relate to most people at all. I don't think I've ever been truly happy.
I can't think clearly. My thoughts are messy and don't make sense. It gets extremely uncomfortable so I have to distract myself all the time. And what is the easiest way to distract myself? By wasting time on the internet, of course. I spend way too much time online to the point it's bad for me. I feel like a hypocrite because I hate modern technology but I don't know what else to do. My thoughts turn into complete nonsense, the only way I can avoid it is by ignoring it.
I hate myself. I wish I could die. And I hate others for hurting me. I wish I could hurt them back. I won't because I'm not that kind of person and I know it's not worth it. But I can't get the thoughts out of my head.
I feel like there's no escape, no way to change my current situation. Therapy is a fucking scam.
I tried getting "help" when I was younger (or should I say, I was forced to). It wasn't helpful at all. I got on way too many high dose medications and I experienced bad side effects that no one warned me about. Psychiatrists never listened to me, my medical records and diagnoses are completely inaccurate and full of things I never said. I felt terrible. I was forced to hide my true feelings and I still can't forget it.
Now I've been out for a while. I don't have any contact with mental health workers anymore.
How do people think a random guy who pretends to care about my problems for money will help anything? Despite my doubts and awful experiences, I've actually started trying to find a new therapist - I suppose I could try to give it another chance, what do I have to lose? But then I found out how long the waiting lists are. Yeah, sure, I'll just ignore my problems for a year, that will work.
I don't even think I could trust a therapist again. I hate people who have authority over me, I hate knowing that they have the power to lock me up, that their words matter more than mine.
I know the problem isn't me. I'm not sick for not wanting to participate in a modern capitalist society where everyone only cares about money and themselves.
I can either become homeless, or work for a company that could replace me in a few days, for the rest of my life. How can people be happy with such a lifestyle? Work to get money, use the money to buy products to make you temporarily happy. Am I the only one who sees no point in this? I'm disgusted in how normalized overconsumption is. Children in poor underdeveloped countries have to work for the clothes and technology we buy without thinking about it.
There's almost no privacy anymore. Security cameras, digital tracking... you name it. And people are fine with it because it's convenient. But what about the long term consequences?
Look at the current coronavirus pandemic. I don't want to start conspiracy theories. I'd just like to point out the power the government has over the citizens. Making new laws and mandatory rules? Without any problem. And people are fine with it. Because it's for our own safety, apparently - sure, politicians definitely care about the people.
Look at the mental health system. People getting forcibly drugged, "treated" against their own will, like we're criminals - but what is the crime? Wanting to die? I don't need anyone "saving" me, doing things "for my own protection". But who gets to decide what is a mental illness and what isn't? Is there really something wrong with a person who doesn't want to work for a pointless job every day for the majority of their life? Or is this just what we're told to think, because the system needs quiet obedient workers to function?
How am I supposed to be happy in a world like this? And what do I have to live for if I'm alone for everything? It feels pointless. I can't change anything. People don't care, everyone is too selfish and apathetic, absorbed in their own worlds, only caring about short term pleasure. Every time I even mention such a subject, they look at me weirdly - "well, no one likes to work, but there's still other fun things in life! You need to work to earn money or else you'll be hungry!" Am I the only one who finds it so disappointing that this is the majority's mindset?
If I had the chance to, I'd leave everyone and everything and go live into the wild on my own. But I can't. Not only do I have no experience, but I'm also a woman with chronic pain so another thing that makes it completely impossible.
Sorry for this long rant, I guess. I also apologize for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language and I'm tired from not sleeping well. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm so tired of everything.
Every day is the same meaningless things over and over again. My thoughts never shut up. I wish there was an easier way out. I've been wanting to kill myself for years but I still haven't found an accessible, reliable method.
It would be easier if I at least had someone to talk to - someone I could trust. But I guess I'll be alone and miserable until it's finally over.