I'm not hopeless about my future, I know that I can become great but I still want to die.

[nooo2]

I don't know what's wrong with me, I've done A LOT of mental work and if you go back and read some of my posts you can see how bad I was in my depression but my mindset has improved a lot and I feel like I've done some great recovery in terms of my mental health and seeing the outlook on things. I'm not hopeless at all, I know that my life could be great but I don't want it, I really just want to move on from this life and I just don't know how to bury this feeling. I have no fear of killing myself, I've thought about buying N, I even still have SN sitting on my desk but I don't give a shit to do those methods, if I kill myself I'm choosing hanging. I could careless if it's painful, it's only for a few seconds anyway. I have no fear of dying and I know that I can easily go and hang myself right now if I wanted but at the same time I know that my life could be great and I'm not sure if it's my mind lying to me and feeding me a false view because otherwise why do I still feel this way? I'm just tired, I don't even want to live anymore I'm tired and I've truly made peace with myself and I've somewhat forgiven my parents for what they caused me. There's so many beautiful things in life and I still enjoy small things like my coffee's in the morning, anime , getting attached to characters in shows, video games, books etc. I have gratitude, I journal, I meditate, I do yoga and I enjoy all of those things I really do but I'm just done. This post might seem all over the place because that's just how my mind is, I almost feel like another reason why I'm hanging on is because I've started to believe that I SHOULD want to live because that's what everyone says right? ''It gets better, keep going'' and yes things have gotten better but I still don't want to live..god I don't even know anymore.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Similar story here. I still deep down believe given the opportunity I can become successful. A part of me wants to become successful to say ive done it from terrible circumstances such as now basically homeless with no natural support (I do have a job). Ultimately I've realized success requires skill and other things but it also requires luck. That's the x factor you cannot control. I've also worked my ass off in life and it's frustrating I'll have to do it again alone tired and broken.

For me what it comes down to is I don't see a point in living like this for my whole life and while I have faith in myself I also know I'd have to get unbelievably lucky to start with nothing at 29 and become successful. As before this I was a victim of crimes by the medical school I was attending. So while I've done things to set myself up well it was stolen from me. A large part of me also is just angry. I don't want to live with this anger forever. This was rambly but my point is I get what you are saying.

 

[Ms nobody]

Same here I think if I put in the effort I could become fairly successful
But I don't think it's worth it

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

It sounds like things have improved so maybe they will keep improving and that will to live will come in time.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are completely valid, I don't necessarily think that one always needs a reason to want to die and anyway I think that if someone has considered suicide at some point in their existence it will always exist as an option for them. But anyway I wish you the best, it's really understandable feeling so tired of existing here.

 

[TAW122]

I feel the same way too. Everyday alive is another day of gambling with sentience, where bad things could happen, even if the odds are low and the less times I have to gamble with sentience, the better. While I too, had periods of things have temporarily gotten better, it still does not justify being sentient (alive) until natural causes or other non-controlled cause of death as I ultimately want to die on my own terms when I am ready.

 

[g56f32Z4n8#uExEuU*@]

I don't know what's wrong with me, …

I feel very similar to what you describe. I'm moderately successful in my life, don't miss anything, but I have no desire to continue either. I look for peace and silence. I don't need the struggle of work, relationships, and bad health when I'm older.