Discussion I’m not afraid

[EmpressDean]

I'm not afraid to ctb. I have a plan. I got the gun in September and now I'm holding on to it. My largest reason that I want to ctb? Being born premature which means I have many learning issues. I was born 3 months premature. I struggle with everything. I struggle to understand to read books because I don't comprehend. I struggle to care for myself because I can go no brushing teeth or showing or brushing hair for weeks unless I'm told to. I struggle to teach myself how to cook. It feel like my biggest dream is to cook good food because I don't get it. Tried lots of times. Nothing clicks. Nothing clicks for learning, or with people. I try to have good small talk with co workers or relatives and I feel so embarrassed. I'm pretty lonely but it beats being embarrassed around people. I just feel like everything about me is fundamentally wrong. I only hang on for my parents. I told my mom I was still suicidal (27F) because I feel like life is a dead end for me since I can't get ahead or feel pride in anything I do, since everything is difficult. She said she would be devastated, I also told my Dad last week my thoughts too and he told me if I did it he would follow me. No hesitation. He just told me no one is perfect. But my parents are well off and I don't think I can ever stand on my own two feet. I always have to live with family. I'm just very angry and frustrated at myself that I can't be more independent. It's like mentally impossible to me now. I hate how I can put so much effort into the things I want to do good at and just suck.

 

[Vesiira]

I totally understand how you feel. I never get better and it saddens my parents to see that, but there's nothing I can do. They say it'll get better and that I just gotta try and get a job and things will look up. They don't know how much I know that's untrue. They don't realize the pain we are in all the time. Maybe it's better they don't. I rely on them too so I get the want to be independent so bad, but feeling it'll never happen. I feel I won't ever be able to completely support myself. Not at this rate. Here for you. <3

 

[EmpressDean]

I totally understand how you feel. I never get better and it saddens my parents to see that, but there's nothing I can do. They say it'll get better and that I just gotta try and get a job and things will look up. They don't know how much I know that's untrue. They don't realize the pain we are in all the time. Maybe it's better they don't. I rely on them too so I get the want to be independent so bad, but feeling it'll never happen. I feel I won't ever be able to completely support myself. Not at this rate. Here for you. <3

I'm afraid at the thought of working 2 jobs because I struggle with working one. I struggle to function as a person. I just see a bleak future.

 

[Vesiira]

I'm afraid at the thought of working 2 jobs because I struggle with working one. I struggle to function as a person. I just see a bleak future.

I'm so sorry. Working one job is stressful and hard enough, 2 is just too much for one person to have to do. I struggle just to function as a person daily too. The future does feel so bleak, but I hope you feel peace soon enough. <3