SophieMakesGames
Member
- Mar 5, 2025
- 5
Hello, I'm rather new here. This is my first post actually.
I just wanted to talk about some things and get them out there tonight
I will ctb soon. Before I do, if everything's goes right ofcourse, I want to finish the game I'm making, it is in a way my suicide note.
weather anyone will play it or not idk, and tbh idc. Maybe one day in a hundred years if our world is still a thing by then and the internet exists with games maybe my game (s) and art will be seen and understood.
Or maybe it'll he forgotten or never seen or experienced in the first place, or it'll be seen and hated...
I never ment to hurt anyone my entire life. I hope that that becomes clear with the game, if anyone cares to play it. I'll leave a note to, to some, But the game is the focus.
it's stupid I know... the idea of putting my life into a game... but I think maybe this way just maybe they can see from my perspective and see me... why this even matters to me is beyond me... I think it started with the fact that I'm basically an alien or something with how my life and the way I am and think had Been and am..
Maybe if I made it into a story. People might understand... someone somewhere. Like with how I see stories,...
I've always loved stories, I've loved making stories and reading them, I love the way the sunlight feels warm on my skin, and the smell of the trees, or the heat from a dragon, the cold floor of a castle, sometimes when authors take time to point these things out it makes the experiance even more... vivid I think or directed... this is something I fell in love with in school. I read the gone series and thered a scene where it talks about the smells of stuff in detail and even the heat and emotions along with it... if you know you know... uh and ever sense then I've loved the fact stories can carry such power... you can SMELL and TASTE and FEEL...
Games, with a few exceptions, movies, and really anything non descriptive word based to me feels like a downfrade... how do you FEEL the fire in a game??? They don't even try to get you to woth a few exceptions...
I'd much rather write a book... but I know no one would ever ever ever read it ever it chances of it even being seen go to 0...
And so game it is...
And it didn't start with this idea either I originally just wanted to make these worlds I have in my mind
Over time one by one each world burned or collapsed into a black hole
Until nothing in me really remains but faint glimmers of once where ideas...
It's hard to describe what it's been like... it's like I was in a... different universe... a wonderland almost universe. And now I'm not I popped out of it... something I used to do very rarely and always popped back into, but now I have popped out and cannot pop back in, I've tried, sometimes I'll find myself lost there, among the tall grass amd trees of my mind, and then as soon as I notice it its gone...
And it's hard to describe as literally a bathroom becomes tall trees in a forest with a black hole in the sky... a very sweet smell is in the air one I cannot describe well... but the bathroom is still tjere... but so is this like world..
But they are the same but different they coexist into each other
What happens in one directly influences the other and they are both the same however they are like...
It's so hard to explain but it's like I exiest in 2 realities at once and I don't dislike it but it's recently started disappearing over the past 2 or 3 years
What do I do when it's gone... well if I'm alive and I lose it... I don't want to lose my world...
thankfully I can write and while writing cresting world's that are NOT locked to what I see or experiance and they are just as real as anything else...
Writing makes me feel like a God but not in a I'm overpowered way but like
My dad's a jew my mom's a Christian, I'm a noahide, I mean in a abrahamic word into being God.
This has kind of scared me, but language itself is this, and so is art, and music, and games, but nothing feels as close, as real, as a written story.
in my head I can create worlds of infinite complexity of any design. Most of which involve a black hole, multiple planets (like visible in sky) and functional systems
I learned that programming is just a story you tell a computer, and I've made amazing things I didn't save nor upload and has been lost tp time.
But i know how to create virtually anything I've needed to and can, in c cs c++ js py. I love unity or using my own engine, unreal is to much... stuff... and Godot is good but i don't feel like going through the learning process again and I have over $10,000 worth of assets for unity... so idk if Godot would be worth it xD
But when I create my world it likely won't have this fun mental world that's more part of the inside me. The me me. The me that I mean when i say me not the me that you would refer to... the me but not me. It'd be that mes experiance and so not worth telling no one can fathom it much less care
I do plan on if I have time creating stories from my mind world but it isn't the priority.
I've always wanted to use this power to create and live in worlds to make a game or book the idea to make a game or book about *my* world didn't come across me until I played
What remains of Edith finch
After beating it I had a sudden idea to just make my life into a game.
Before it was never clear what I wanted to create, I bounced around from a trillion ideas, some good some bad, some got demos or prototypes some died in planning or writing.
But the plan has always always been the same...
Make a thing using my skill
Make money go to people who helped me and I love and all my friends and people I've hurt to if possible (people likely won't trust me so family members is enough ig but not what I want)
Ctb.
And after playing what remains of Edith finch how to do this and the details have never been clearer.
I've never wanted to hurt anyone, truly.
the game may never get finished
I may ctb before it does.
But it's worth hope and having something to keep me going at least while I have to... and hey money is good or smth I think...
(Or wait isn't it the root of all evil or smth?)
I've attempted ctb many many many times, and I've been told it's super duper easy, I've overdosed on to many things to name, took poisonous berries, drank a cup of bleach, slit Mt wrist (many times), tried hanging myself twice, tried drowning but I don't think it's possible, tried using a bag to suffocate, same with pillow and pillow withs bag and bag with stuffue and pillow case with bag,
If it was easy surely at least one of those would have worked....
Maybe Hashems keeping me alive for some reason. Perhaps I'm ment to aid meshioch. That'd be funny. But I think it's almost certain that it's just not easy...
Or I'm really bad at dying...
I promised I wouldn't die to my grandma after one of my attempts... she said she can't go through that. But I don't live there now they couldn't handle me just like everyone else in my life. So ig that means I can now...
I promised friends too but there all gone now as well some are even dead...
I have never had a family for myself my mom loved drugs more then me ironic for a Christian I think but whatever. And my step dad killed himself. My dad and mom stopped being together at like 17 so like a year after I was born. I don't remember it.
My dad is in my life now but wasn't until I was like 14.
My mom stopped being in my life after the 7th visit to the mental hospital which is like the definition of hell I think prison is probably less bad... ( early 2010s)
I've never wanted to be alive my entire life I don't see the point in living s life that is pure suffering fir the sake of others enjoyment I hate life I hate living I hate the world I want people to nuke each other and the world to end so badly so so so badly or I want me to end and so I'll either make the world nuke each other or ctb in my life goal.
humans are horrible I hate them so much I hate humanity and humans and me and I hate it all why did such a horrible evil fucking demonic species develop our talents and not smth more empathetic and nice and understanding and selfless...
Just be okay with humans because humans rule is very...
I genuinely hate life...
I've never told anyone about this. So hello. Have my deepest darkest secretes and plans as my first post, I just want somewhere that'll take me ig tbh, I'm just so tired and don't want to lie or fake it anymore, I don't wanna go through all the social bullshit, I just want to talk and maybe have someone who cared to listen, listen.
Thank you for hearing me tonight
I just wanted to talk about some things and get them out there tonight
I will ctb soon. Before I do, if everything's goes right ofcourse, I want to finish the game I'm making, it is in a way my suicide note.
weather anyone will play it or not idk, and tbh idc. Maybe one day in a hundred years if our world is still a thing by then and the internet exists with games maybe my game (s) and art will be seen and understood.
Or maybe it'll he forgotten or never seen or experienced in the first place, or it'll be seen and hated...
I never ment to hurt anyone my entire life. I hope that that becomes clear with the game, if anyone cares to play it. I'll leave a note to, to some, But the game is the focus.
it's stupid I know... the idea of putting my life into a game... but I think maybe this way just maybe they can see from my perspective and see me... why this even matters to me is beyond me... I think it started with the fact that I'm basically an alien or something with how my life and the way I am and think had Been and am..
Maybe if I made it into a story. People might understand... someone somewhere. Like with how I see stories,...
I've always loved stories, I've loved making stories and reading them, I love the way the sunlight feels warm on my skin, and the smell of the trees, or the heat from a dragon, the cold floor of a castle, sometimes when authors take time to point these things out it makes the experiance even more... vivid I think or directed... this is something I fell in love with in school. I read the gone series and thered a scene where it talks about the smells of stuff in detail and even the heat and emotions along with it... if you know you know... uh and ever sense then I've loved the fact stories can carry such power... you can SMELL and TASTE and FEEL...
Games, with a few exceptions, movies, and really anything non descriptive word based to me feels like a downfrade... how do you FEEL the fire in a game??? They don't even try to get you to woth a few exceptions...
I'd much rather write a book... but I know no one would ever ever ever read it ever it chances of it even being seen go to 0...
And so game it is...
And it didn't start with this idea either I originally just wanted to make these worlds I have in my mind
Over time one by one each world burned or collapsed into a black hole
Until nothing in me really remains but faint glimmers of once where ideas...
It's hard to describe what it's been like... it's like I was in a... different universe... a wonderland almost universe. And now I'm not I popped out of it... something I used to do very rarely and always popped back into, but now I have popped out and cannot pop back in, I've tried, sometimes I'll find myself lost there, among the tall grass amd trees of my mind, and then as soon as I notice it its gone...
And it's hard to describe as literally a bathroom becomes tall trees in a forest with a black hole in the sky... a very sweet smell is in the air one I cannot describe well... but the bathroom is still tjere... but so is this like world..
But they are the same but different they coexist into each other
What happens in one directly influences the other and they are both the same however they are like...
It's so hard to explain but it's like I exiest in 2 realities at once and I don't dislike it but it's recently started disappearing over the past 2 or 3 years
What do I do when it's gone... well if I'm alive and I lose it... I don't want to lose my world...
thankfully I can write and while writing cresting world's that are NOT locked to what I see or experiance and they are just as real as anything else...
Writing makes me feel like a God but not in a I'm overpowered way but like
My dad's a jew my mom's a Christian, I'm a noahide, I mean in a abrahamic word into being God.
This has kind of scared me, but language itself is this, and so is art, and music, and games, but nothing feels as close, as real, as a written story.
in my head I can create worlds of infinite complexity of any design. Most of which involve a black hole, multiple planets (like visible in sky) and functional systems
I learned that programming is just a story you tell a computer, and I've made amazing things I didn't save nor upload and has been lost tp time.
But i know how to create virtually anything I've needed to and can, in c cs c++ js py. I love unity or using my own engine, unreal is to much... stuff... and Godot is good but i don't feel like going through the learning process again and I have over $10,000 worth of assets for unity... so idk if Godot would be worth it xD
But when I create my world it likely won't have this fun mental world that's more part of the inside me. The me me. The me that I mean when i say me not the me that you would refer to... the me but not me. It'd be that mes experiance and so not worth telling no one can fathom it much less care
I do plan on if I have time creating stories from my mind world but it isn't the priority.
I've always wanted to use this power to create and live in worlds to make a game or book the idea to make a game or book about *my* world didn't come across me until I played
What remains of Edith finch
After beating it I had a sudden idea to just make my life into a game.
Before it was never clear what I wanted to create, I bounced around from a trillion ideas, some good some bad, some got demos or prototypes some died in planning or writing.
But the plan has always always been the same...
Make a thing using my skill
Make money go to people who helped me and I love and all my friends and people I've hurt to if possible (people likely won't trust me so family members is enough ig but not what I want)
Ctb.
And after playing what remains of Edith finch how to do this and the details have never been clearer.
I've never wanted to hurt anyone, truly.
the game may never get finished
I may ctb before it does.
But it's worth hope and having something to keep me going at least while I have to... and hey money is good or smth I think...
(Or wait isn't it the root of all evil or smth?)
I've attempted ctb many many many times, and I've been told it's super duper easy, I've overdosed on to many things to name, took poisonous berries, drank a cup of bleach, slit Mt wrist (many times), tried hanging myself twice, tried drowning but I don't think it's possible, tried using a bag to suffocate, same with pillow and pillow withs bag and bag with stuffue and pillow case with bag,
If it was easy surely at least one of those would have worked....
Maybe Hashems keeping me alive for some reason. Perhaps I'm ment to aid meshioch. That'd be funny. But I think it's almost certain that it's just not easy...
Or I'm really bad at dying...
I promised I wouldn't die to my grandma after one of my attempts... she said she can't go through that. But I don't live there now they couldn't handle me just like everyone else in my life. So ig that means I can now...
I promised friends too but there all gone now as well some are even dead...
I have never had a family for myself my mom loved drugs more then me ironic for a Christian I think but whatever. And my step dad killed himself. My dad and mom stopped being together at like 17 so like a year after I was born. I don't remember it.
My dad is in my life now but wasn't until I was like 14.
My mom stopped being in my life after the 7th visit to the mental hospital which is like the definition of hell I think prison is probably less bad... ( early 2010s)
I've never wanted to be alive my entire life I don't see the point in living s life that is pure suffering fir the sake of others enjoyment I hate life I hate living I hate the world I want people to nuke each other and the world to end so badly so so so badly or I want me to end and so I'll either make the world nuke each other or ctb in my life goal.
humans are horrible I hate them so much I hate humanity and humans and me and I hate it all why did such a horrible evil fucking demonic species develop our talents and not smth more empathetic and nice and understanding and selfless...
Just be okay with humans because humans rule is very...
I genuinely hate life...
I've never told anyone about this. So hello. Have my deepest darkest secretes and plans as my first post, I just want somewhere that'll take me ig tbh, I'm just so tired and don't want to lie or fake it anymore, I don't wanna go through all the social bullshit, I just want to talk and maybe have someone who cared to listen, listen.
Thank you for hearing me tonight
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