nonentity
professional fool
- Apr 5, 2023
- 64
Hi everyone!
I wish I could be posting about something happy, encouraging, optimistic, etc. but I'm not. I'll give a little bit of a backstory for myself, and how I came to be here under spoilers.
I'm not looking for any sort of advice, as this is just a venting thread. Looking for some people to relate with.
TL;DR: The guy who I'm having an affair with is talking to me less and less, my husband is feeling self-conscious and is suffocating me with wanting to all of a sudden give me too much attention, I lost my job, I'm in debt where I have to borrow money from my friends to get by, I'm behind on bills, no therapy anymore since I can't afford it, and no one knows that I want to CTB again. I've been doing a lot of research on it. Found a book about assisted suicide, found some ways in there, then purchased the book "The Complete Manual of Suicide." Very interesting read if you can find a translation.
I wish I could be posting about something happy, encouraging, optimistic, etc. but I'm not. I'll give a little bit of a backstory for myself, and how I came to be here under spoilers.
I'm not looking for any sort of advice, as this is just a venting thread. Looking for some people to relate with.
I grew up incredibly poor with 7 other siblings. My parents were emotionally, physically, and psychologically abusive for most of my life. Oh, and I was severely neglected due to being the youngest - my parents were "done" with raising children, so they tossed me to my other siblings. I am ~8 years younger than the second youngest. I turned 29 this year.
I have been playing with the idea of suicide since the young age of 8 years old. I grew up going to a Catholic school on a scholarship program due to my brother and sister-in-law raising me. My sister-in-law was also physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive. Still is. Bullied all throughout elementary to high school, my suicidal thoughts only grew more intense. 4th grade up was when I was dangerously close to CTB. My family hates me - most of them still do. Trans FTM and known since 8 years old too.
16 was the roughest year of my life (or so I thought) - survived. Somehow. Then, broke up with my abusive girlfriend, only to be replaced with an abusive boyfriend. Go figure! I dated him for ~6 years, and surprise again he too was abusive in the same way everyone previously in my life has been. It's exhausting. My trauma is horrid. It's been a strain on my current relationship with my husband which I'll explain below.
Diagnosed with CPTSD, Bipolar Disorder, GAD, Clinical Depression, PMDD - and a couple of other psychological disorders. Having a diagnosis, and medication, I thought I was saved! It was amazing! I thought life was going up - went to therapy, got out of debt, moved away from my hometown to live with my now-husband, got away from it all.
Then came the episodes. The medication made it worse at times. There were attempts, freakouts, and breakdowns seemingly from nowhere. Dropped my sandwich? CTB time. Got a bad call from a customer? CTB time again. Awful. Absolutely awful. I still have these episodes, though not as frequently. It's very distressing when they happen, and it's overwhelming when I know they'll be happening for the rest of my life.
Depression and anxiety hit - had panic attacks, got back into debt, changed medication, got out of debt, great time with my husband, episodes, in debt, rough time in the relationship, wash, rinse, and repeat. I'm tired of this rollercoaster. I'm tired of this nonsense. Have been for years. I want mercy.
Now comes the present. I had an amazing job (though boring) that paid really well, and my relationship was going great. I was a little lonely because my husband is an introvert, and I slipped into social anxiety during the pandemic so I grew apart from most of my friends but I was okay with it. Only talked to ~3 of my friends, but barely. My escapism of choice was/is video games. I was starting to grow tired of being alone all the time, though.
I decided to pick up streaming as a result and break into a community. It was so exhilarating. Talking to a bunch of new people, making strong relationships, ah yes! Maybe my life is looking up! I was working on getting out of debt, but nah I'm good (apparently at the time - Hypomania sucks.)
I never really had anything in life, so I wanted to give that to my new friends. I put myself in the worst debt I've had so far. I'm still in the hole and trying to survive financially. Then I met him.
Oh - this guy. He has made me feel happy, sad, jealous, and excited, he breathed life back into me - it's ADDICTING. I just want his attention on me at all times. He makes me feel special. He's an amazing guy, and super funny, and I missed that. My husband and I grew apart over the year when I met him. And that only complicated things further. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that he is in a long-term committed relationship with his girlfriend that hates me.
He came onto me. Now, mind you, he's in a different country. But suggestive messages were sent, and I reciprocated. We're both at fault here. He shouldn't have done that, I should've rejected him, but we both just clicked. It was as invigorating as it was for me for him. That was when this affair started. Pictures were sent, sexting happened, videos. He tried to break it off once, I agreed. I was torn to shreds about it. But I understood. We both had partners that we loved.
Then he came onto me again. We started again. It was so passionate! We started saying "I love you" to each other. Sending sweet messages, and checking in on each other every day. We talked 24/7. Notice how I said talked. Once again, he broke it off with me, and I agreed. It was just so much that we couldn't resist each other.
He started telling me how awful his girlfriend was. She is awful, and I do not like her whatsoever. I admittedly get jealous and envious of her. I want him for myself. It's horrible, I know. I shouldn't want him as much as I do. He loves her, I know. He would do anything for her, I know. Then why was he sexting me? I hope that he isn't using me. Around Christmas, I started worrying that he really was just using me. But at that point, we weren't doing anything.
Until we were again. I'm only reciprocating when he makes the choice. I'll never do anything that he doesn't want to do. He needs to make the choice for himself without any sort of influence from me. Worst part? I don't even feel guilty about it. There's some sick part of me that gets excited when I see her online, and he's writing graphic messages to me. I just wish that he would show that he loved me. Or that I knew for sure that he loved me.
This is where I'm at now. I love him. I was talking about him the entire time without mentioning my husband. My husband is the sweetest, most caring, amazing, and loving person I have ever met. I know he loves me so much. It's why we got married. He's just severely introverted and barely gives me any attention. I need attention. We've had multiple discussions about it, and he really tries, but he always goes back to wanting to be alone. I stopped asking because he always said no. That he was tired. Or that he didn't feel like hanging out with me. Or, that he gets bored when we do things together. Not everyone is gonna like to do the same thing, I know, but hell. I just want someone to show that they love me. Or they want me.
I'm not really attracted to him anymore either. I don't feel much of anything when I think of him. I don't even feel anything when I think of how badly this would hurt him. I don't care. And I know that makes me scum. I know a lot of people will judge me for this. I am just stuck in a hard place.
The guy on the internet that I've been having an affair with makes me suicidal when he ignores me. It hurts. I hate being ignored, it makes me feel like I'm with my husband when that happens. When we're hanging out together with his girlfriend, he acts extra loving in front of her while knowing how I feel. That also hurts. I don't tell him that, though. It's an affair based on attraction. I don't want him to stop being intimate with me again. I don't want this to be the last time. My feelings are nothing but a complicated mess.
Cue what's happening now that's hard for me to deal with. I just lost my job last week after coming back from vacation. Celebrated my 29th birthday at the beginning of the month, and had an amazing vacation with my best friend only to be let go a week later. I don't even know if I was fired, or let go. They were super vague about the whole thing.
I have been playing with the idea of suicide since the young age of 8 years old. I grew up going to a Catholic school on a scholarship program due to my brother and sister-in-law raising me. My sister-in-law was also physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive. Still is. Bullied all throughout elementary to high school, my suicidal thoughts only grew more intense. 4th grade up was when I was dangerously close to CTB. My family hates me - most of them still do. Trans FTM and known since 8 years old too.
16 was the roughest year of my life (or so I thought) - survived. Somehow. Then, broke up with my abusive girlfriend, only to be replaced with an abusive boyfriend. Go figure! I dated him for ~6 years, and surprise again he too was abusive in the same way everyone previously in my life has been. It's exhausting. My trauma is horrid. It's been a strain on my current relationship with my husband which I'll explain below.
Diagnosed with CPTSD, Bipolar Disorder, GAD, Clinical Depression, PMDD - and a couple of other psychological disorders. Having a diagnosis, and medication, I thought I was saved! It was amazing! I thought life was going up - went to therapy, got out of debt, moved away from my hometown to live with my now-husband, got away from it all.
Then came the episodes. The medication made it worse at times. There were attempts, freakouts, and breakdowns seemingly from nowhere. Dropped my sandwich? CTB time. Got a bad call from a customer? CTB time again. Awful. Absolutely awful. I still have these episodes, though not as frequently. It's very distressing when they happen, and it's overwhelming when I know they'll be happening for the rest of my life.
Depression and anxiety hit - had panic attacks, got back into debt, changed medication, got out of debt, great time with my husband, episodes, in debt, rough time in the relationship, wash, rinse, and repeat. I'm tired of this rollercoaster. I'm tired of this nonsense. Have been for years. I want mercy.
Now comes the present. I had an amazing job (though boring) that paid really well, and my relationship was going great. I was a little lonely because my husband is an introvert, and I slipped into social anxiety during the pandemic so I grew apart from most of my friends but I was okay with it. Only talked to ~3 of my friends, but barely. My escapism of choice was/is video games. I was starting to grow tired of being alone all the time, though.
I decided to pick up streaming as a result and break into a community. It was so exhilarating. Talking to a bunch of new people, making strong relationships, ah yes! Maybe my life is looking up! I was working on getting out of debt, but nah I'm good (apparently at the time - Hypomania sucks.)
I never really had anything in life, so I wanted to give that to my new friends. I put myself in the worst debt I've had so far. I'm still in the hole and trying to survive financially. Then I met him.
Oh - this guy. He has made me feel happy, sad, jealous, and excited, he breathed life back into me - it's ADDICTING. I just want his attention on me at all times. He makes me feel special. He's an amazing guy, and super funny, and I missed that. My husband and I grew apart over the year when I met him. And that only complicated things further. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that he is in a long-term committed relationship with his girlfriend that hates me.
He came onto me. Now, mind you, he's in a different country. But suggestive messages were sent, and I reciprocated. We're both at fault here. He shouldn't have done that, I should've rejected him, but we both just clicked. It was as invigorating as it was for me for him. That was when this affair started. Pictures were sent, sexting happened, videos. He tried to break it off once, I agreed. I was torn to shreds about it. But I understood. We both had partners that we loved.
Then he came onto me again. We started again. It was so passionate! We started saying "I love you" to each other. Sending sweet messages, and checking in on each other every day. We talked 24/7. Notice how I said talked. Once again, he broke it off with me, and I agreed. It was just so much that we couldn't resist each other.
He started telling me how awful his girlfriend was. She is awful, and I do not like her whatsoever. I admittedly get jealous and envious of her. I want him for myself. It's horrible, I know. I shouldn't want him as much as I do. He loves her, I know. He would do anything for her, I know. Then why was he sexting me? I hope that he isn't using me. Around Christmas, I started worrying that he really was just using me. But at that point, we weren't doing anything.
Until we were again. I'm only reciprocating when he makes the choice. I'll never do anything that he doesn't want to do. He needs to make the choice for himself without any sort of influence from me. Worst part? I don't even feel guilty about it. There's some sick part of me that gets excited when I see her online, and he's writing graphic messages to me. I just wish that he would show that he loved me. Or that I knew for sure that he loved me.
This is where I'm at now. I love him. I was talking about him the entire time without mentioning my husband. My husband is the sweetest, most caring, amazing, and loving person I have ever met. I know he loves me so much. It's why we got married. He's just severely introverted and barely gives me any attention. I need attention. We've had multiple discussions about it, and he really tries, but he always goes back to wanting to be alone. I stopped asking because he always said no. That he was tired. Or that he didn't feel like hanging out with me. Or, that he gets bored when we do things together. Not everyone is gonna like to do the same thing, I know, but hell. I just want someone to show that they love me. Or they want me.
I'm not really attracted to him anymore either. I don't feel much of anything when I think of him. I don't even feel anything when I think of how badly this would hurt him. I don't care. And I know that makes me scum. I know a lot of people will judge me for this. I am just stuck in a hard place.
The guy on the internet that I've been having an affair with makes me suicidal when he ignores me. It hurts. I hate being ignored, it makes me feel like I'm with my husband when that happens. When we're hanging out together with his girlfriend, he acts extra loving in front of her while knowing how I feel. That also hurts. I don't tell him that, though. It's an affair based on attraction. I don't want him to stop being intimate with me again. I don't want this to be the last time. My feelings are nothing but a complicated mess.
Cue what's happening now that's hard for me to deal with. I just lost my job last week after coming back from vacation. Celebrated my 29th birthday at the beginning of the month, and had an amazing vacation with my best friend only to be let go a week later. I don't even know if I was fired, or let go. They were super vague about the whole thing.
TL;DR: The guy who I'm having an affair with is talking to me less and less, my husband is feeling self-conscious and is suffocating me with wanting to all of a sudden give me too much attention, I lost my job, I'm in debt where I have to borrow money from my friends to get by, I'm behind on bills, no therapy anymore since I can't afford it, and no one knows that I want to CTB again. I've been doing a lot of research on it. Found a book about assisted suicide, found some ways in there, then purchased the book "The Complete Manual of Suicide." Very interesting read if you can find a translation.
