im my own worst enemy

[ctemourge]

god i genuinely have been fantasizing about suicide so often lately. it always lingers in my mind and has for as long as i can remember honestly. even as a little kid i have always been bombarded by the fixation of my demise … ive been reflecting lately, ive noticed that throughout all of my abuse and trauma im so used to begging for an ounce of attention, the bare minimum. literally anything. and now that im on the opposite end of this, it really bothers me. its like i cant win. i dont want to be comforted. its making me mad and slightly violent . i dont want to hear how proud you are because at the end of the day im still suffering, i just hide it better. i cannot be loved. its impossible to love someone as evil as me… i want to start saving for SN but im scared im gonna get tracked or some shit trying to find DMC on whatever alternative browser or whatevee the fuck i have to do. it seems so out of reach. i dont have a backup ctb plan. before i knew about SN it was always firearm related plans, but i cant legally get my hands on one … maybe hanging will be my second backup plan? im tired of feeling everything all at once. im sick of self isolation and avoidance but its the only thing that truly comforts me… where is a good place to hang without traumatizing anyone? should i stick to the hotel plans i had for SN and leave a note? id rather the sn… it could all be planned perfectly and my body would be found in a less traumatic state .. i dont know. i have to stop financial self sabotage as well. my account is always negative, i let my credit card go over due to the point i literally cannot pay it back. i use it as a form of self harm since i cant cut or do drugs anymore. idk where to cut now that im in an intimate relationship and idk where to hide it…. im stuck i just feel so fucking stuck. i want out i really do i want out of this torment. what should i do?

 

[yeaimhere13]

im sorry. its not fair. being who we are is not fucking fair.

 

[FakeSmileGuy]

I can't tell you what you can do, all I can say is that me too man :/ It's so difficult hearing people say that it'll be okay, or people trying to comfort me. I'm my own worst enemy in a different way, but I understand how you feel. Just stuck. Nowhere to go, no options left. I wish it was different, but there's not much I can say to help you. Good luck with everything man, you're not alone in feeling this.