Venting I’m meant to be alone

[Bunny Beanie]

Just went to a party. Really out of my comfort zone cos I have bad ptsd with drunk people and it makes me resort back to a child. I mentally regress so that whole party was me trying to not be so awkward and just let me true self out but alas I fail. My friend who invited me I could tell they regretted inviting me. I was constantly left out of inside jokes. I was constantly the odd man out. I want to be that girl who is the spotlight and radiance beauty and confidence but it's harder for me cos I'm not only tall af but also ugly and those combos for a girl is not it. I thought me going to this party would somehow make me feel alive. I got really high. That's the only part I felt alive in. Unfortunately im still suicidal and even more sure I want to ctb. Oh to be the girl that isn't constantly seen as a void filler or a burden. Why couldn't I just be a cool funny beautiful petit girl that everyone loved and didn't always want to make me feel left out. I just don't belong anywhere. Im so unloved and lonely it hurts so much. All I truly have is my wonderful bf that I don't deserve. He deserves better. He will get better after I ctb. So many benefits to dying I just wish there was an easier way to do it. Anyways thank you for letting me ramble. I have no one to talk to about this.

 

[AkaRed]

I feel your pain in more ways than one. There are so many things I'd change about myself and want to change about myself every single day.
From a fellow person who doesn't belong anywhere- I'm rooting for your success in life.
<3

 

[Failure21]

I understand how that feels. I never went to parties or anything like that because I'd only be invited out of pity or so people could make fun of the weird guy that doesn't belong there. The only time I had friends was when I had a useful to them and once I was no longer useful they all dropped me without a second thought. I'm not even on speaking terms with my family so when I go out, my death won't mean anything for anyone but the scavengers that come to pick at my rotting corpse.