I’m making a plan

[ShadowSleeper]

Yesterday I decided to finally make my plan to actually ctb. For contexts my life has been a shit show from the start. I was given up as a baby, suffered abandonment issues because of it, given up again at 13. I was homeless and on the streets at 17. Been stuck in an abusive relationship with a bunch of kids, one of which has stage 4 cancer. I'm cut off from the world my only friends now are the gaming friends I met online. I feel so utterly broken now. I've been seeing a therapist and psychologist i take or have taken so much medicine but it doesn't help. I still want to die all the time, I still feel this black hole inside my heart. The pain that I live with and have for a while is becoming unbearable. On top of being trapped in an abusive relationship as shitty as this is I've also fallen in love with my best friend. I could rant on about everything that's gone wrong in my life to get me to where I am but these things are the biggest and enough to get the picture I think. This year I'll be turning 30. I've been trying for a year to get mental health help and try to get on my feet so I can get myself out of my situation but the abuse makes it hard and for every step forward I feel like I fall 3 steps back. So for my birthday I want to give myself the gift of freedom. Freedom from pain from loss from living a miserable existence that I can only blame myself for. I want to go peacefully and painless but I'm starting to realize that's not really possible. I was looking into nambutel on the dark web but I realized it's not an easy thing to do and I'd rather not end up in prison. I've looked into parking my car in my garage and dying from carbon monoxide but from what I've read newer cars aren't likely to do that…I own a gun tho so I guess as a last resort I can use that. I don't really want to tho. Kinda feels like my options are slim. I might have mentioned my plans to two of my online friends…I just didn't feel like it would be right for them to suddenly never hear from but they're panicking now and I'm wondering if I should have even said anything or if that's enough to reconsider? Thanks for reading my vent I guess

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it's a terrible idea being open about wanting to die, as sadly we exist in this society where suicide isn't viewed as the valid option that it really is and in many cases I believe that opening up about wanting to die has just made existing even worse as many people see suicide as something that must be prevented, they don't accept the fact that the right to die is a human right.
But I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, I hate how it's so difficult to die in this world, I think that the option of a painful suicide is certainly something that would be far too good to be true.

 

[ShadowSleeper]

I think it's a terrible idea being open about wanting to die, as sadly we exist in this society where suicide isn't viewed as the valid option that it really is and in many cases I believe that opening up about wanting to die has just made existing even worse as many people see suicide as something that must be prevented, they don't accept the fact that the right to die is a human right.
But I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, I hate how it's so difficult to die in this world, I think that the option of a painful suicide is certainly something that would be far too good to be true.

Yes I agree I think it wasn't a good decision. And now their pain of losing me is making me feel conflicted but they aren't gunna help take my pain away you know? Like they know what I go thru and they get why but they are just here for me and they don't want me to suffer but I am