Venting I'm love starved

[imfreezing]

As much as I don't like to admit it, I deeply crave love and attention, it makes me feel embarrased and pathethic but I do.
I've been a lonely person my entire life, I never had a close friend, let alone a bf/gf. I'm 19yo and never had my first kiss, I don't even receive hugs, and when I do receive some affection from my family I cringe, because I just don't know how to act, I'm not used to it.

I used to have a close friend from another country but I ended up blocking him, it's contradictory but I wanted to isolate myself. So now I don't talk to anybody except for my parents.
I wish so bad I had someone to spend time with, just to watch a movie or play something, to love someone and be loved, to do something as simple as to cuddle with someone but I'm unlikable, I'm ugly, I'm boring, and my social skills suck.

I remember having a breakdown when I was 14yo, I had to attend to an event from school, and I was lonely, I didn't had anyone to talk to, I felt so awkward there not knowing what to do and seeing all the people laughing and spending time with their friends before the event started made me feel so bad that I ended up returning home before I could attend it, I cried for so long.
This year at college I had to attend a photography exhibition, one of my classmates work was about she and her friends, how she'd find comfort and support in them when she was having a bad time, and it made me feel so bad, realizing I've never had that and never will.

Why does it has to be this way? My entire life has been like this, it's like I was born to be alone. I wish I was normal but at this point I'll just die alone.

 

[another@]

I know how you feel. Throughout my whole life, I have only had real friends a couple times. Can't remember the last time I had a hug either...

 

[jodes2]

You need to try to force yourself to meet people, do it online if it makes it easier! You can find someone I promise

 

[TydalWave]

I hope it brings you some comfort knowing there are a lot of people on here who have gone through similar things.

It can feel so isolating living with such anxiety and so contradictory to the love and affection we need to survive. I can tell you that some factors are within your control. And just from hearing this short part of your story, you clearly know what you need to fill this hole in your life.

If you have the financial means, there are a lot of ways (therapy, medications), to reduce the social anxiety that makes it so difficult to form new relationships. From my experience, it never fully goes away, but it can get better. Eventually, you will have to put yourself into the uncomfortable situations, in order to find the comfort you desire--as ironic as that is...

 

[GasMonkey]

I'm a 38yo KHHV.
I hope you don't end up like me.