T
todestrieb
Member
- Dec 2, 2021
- 48
I've wanted to ctb since I was 9 years old. That is a very long time. There was always something menial holding me back. I was with my partner for just over four years when I walked away for them to get help. It had become abusive, their illness needed a doctor and I am not an appropriate person to seek advice from. They tried to get help but everything just happened so quick. They ctb in October and ever since it's been such a peaceful jealousy. They texted me and then they were gone. I was never the wiser until I got the call. I was angry and hurt. I felt abandoned. I realized a short time later how very… simple it seemed. If they can, why not me? I was holding on for my child but they are old enough now that they don't want to be near me. I've ruined all of that too. I spent all night last night being ripped a new hole by my child, detailing everything I've ever done wrong and why I'm useless and doing nobody any favors. Kid's right, I have to admit. I do not deny the sins of my past. I pray for nothing but the best for my child, and I pray the person who twisted him this way gets what they deserve. Most of all? I pray that I get what I deserve, and I feel like I deserve the choice to ctb. I miss my partner. I miss my deceased parents. I have no place here anymore, I'm simply taking up space. I'm at peace with my reality and I really do hope that I can follow through with it after these silly dogs pass naturally. I hope every day that I get a quick smash and go by a semi truck so my family can have the life insurance, that'd be the dream.