Venting Im losing hope.

[Katatonia]

Ill start with a small introduction. I graduated earlier this year and got a job at a grocery store. However im feeling lost. I come from a rather poor family, i haven't lived in an actual house for a couple years now. And i have some pretty bad mental health issues which make it hard to function. Everyday feels like im just watching my own life like a movie, rather than living it.

I guess ive just realized that im living for nothing. Everything seems so lifeless, and i dont even feel real. Im starting to feel like nothing will get better. I wanted to go to college for my dream job, but i know it will put me in debt and i dont have the financial support to do that. I only work twice a week, thats barely 400 bucks a month, that will never sustain me.

I have no friends. I have a couple online friends, however im kind of just side entertainment for them, as silly as it sounds. When i try to make other online friends they (my only friends) get in my business and i get embarrassed and give up. I dont have enough social interaction to make irl friends, and im so ugly that i think most people treat me subhuman. So i don't think ill ever have a partner or actual best friend.

Ive tried getting help, but i end up getting too embarrassed to actually tell my therapist anything, even though ive been to a couple different ones. I get scared they'll judge me i guess. Since im so ugly i feel like im not allowed to have feelings and that the therapist might laugh at me. I know it sounds stupid but i cant help it. Im also worried my family will think of me as some freak. Most of my mental illnesses are internal, if that makes sense. I can hide them really well, or they're just very ignored ones. So no one really takes my suffering seriously.

As it is, my life is kind of just...there. Im just here. I dont have an impact on anyones life, i likely never will, and i dont have the money to ever make a change or live the life i want. I want to die cause i dont think things will ever get better, but im terrified of dying. It freaks me out pretty bad and i used to have constant breakdowns when i thought of it. Recently ive felt less scared of it though. Maybe i should just do it before i have time to be scared.

If anyone has advice for making friends or something that would be nice. I live in a very rural area where gay people are frowned upon though. So finding groups is hard. Even just online friends would be fine. Thank you for listening, even if you don't reply i appreciate it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can relate to how you feel. Insecure in our appearance so, we just feel like we're not allowed/ not worthy to feel things. It's hard to describe really. I suppose it's an accute embarassment for taking up space and, having needs. It's such a horrible feeling.

I worked in retail for a long time. It's pretty soul destroying if you don't want to be there.

Regarding making friends, are there any activities you enjoy? I always thought a walking club would be a good idea. Get out and enjoy nature while chatting to people.

 

[batmanreal]

we're really so similar, in so many aspects. i wish i could provide tips or advice, but i'm stuck in the same spot. if i had anything helpful to say, then i likely wouldn't feel as horrible as i do now, lol.
i guess all i can say is that everyone on this forum is here for you and take you seriously, me included. it's horrible to hear how badly you see yourself. of course, i don't know what you look like, but you don't deserve to feel so trapped because of your appearance. everything you experience and feel is valid, no matter what. if anyone sees you in a negative light because of your struggles or your appearance, then they fucking suck. people are just so terrible.

i wish you the best, you seem like a genuinely kind person and i hope you find some peace soon.

 

[Katatonia]

I can relate to how you feel. Insecure in our appearance so, we just feel like we're not allowed/ not worthy to feel things. It's hard to describe really. I suppose it's an accute embarassment for taking up space and, having needs. It's such a horrible feeling.

I worked in retail for a long time. It's pretty soul destroying if you don't want to be there.

Regarding making friends, are there any activities you enjoy? I always thought a walking club would be a good idea. Get out and enjoy nature while chatting to people.

Yes, that exactly. Ive noticed that a lot of people use me as a literal and metaphorical punching bag. And a lot of my past friends always spoke about themselves but never asked about my life. Or admitted they only hung out when they were bored. I always assumed it was because i was ugly and therefore not a 'person.'

Thankfully i work in a small grocery store in my town, so its not super busy. And the people seem to have common sense. Im like the lowest worker though, so i do a lot of the 'errands'. And it can be very tiring.

Im sure there are a lot of walking clubs here, hiking is a big thing. I have low stamina but i can usually keep up if i get too scared of looking tired in front of people. Now im wondering if they have art clubs here. That would be a good thing to look into. Thank you.

we're really so similar, in so many aspects. i wish i could provide tips or advice, but i'm stuck in the same spot. if i had anything helpful to say, then i likely wouldn't feel as horrible as i do now, lol.
i guess all i can say is that everyone on this forum is here for you and take you seriously, me included. it's horrible to hear how badly you see yourself. of course, i don't know what you look like, but you don't deserve to feel so trapped because of your appearance. everything you experience and feel is valid, no matter what. if anyone sees you in a negative light because of your struggles or your appearance, then they fucking suck. people are just so terrible.

i wish you the best, you seem like a genuinely kind person and i hope you find some peace soon.

I suppose we are in the same boat huh. Making friends is so much harder than people seem to say it is. If you ever want to chat my dms are open, we seem to have a couple things in common.

This is the first place ive actually had people understand what im going through. Usually when you try to bring up struggles people irl or even on the internet get very touchy around the topic of suicide and just 'jump' at your rather than listen. And a lot of people online can be very harsh. Its so nice to finally have somewhere to actually speak about my struggles. In fact i think this is the first place where i haven't had a panic attack over replying to someone. Thank you, i really do appreciate this. : )