Venting I'm Just Too Tired of My Stupid Life

[lovelypirategirl]

Hey dear SS friends,

Well I'm writing this post because I feel like shit and dont have anybody to talk to.

I've been suicidal my whole life, even when I was a little kid (I found once a diary where I filled pages and pages with "I want to die" sentences. My last serious attempt was last September while I was doing a traineeship abroad ( I was even sent back to my country), however the past 8 weeks were actually really fine... it was actually kind of scary, because I hadn't felt really "well" in at least the past 6 YEARS. It was kind of ironic, cause while everybody was super stressed about coronavirus I was super chill and enjoying the quarantine and just feeling surprisingly "happy". I knew it wasn't gonna last... in the past few days I've been feeling like shit: I'm super anxious, eating as a pig because I'm an emotional eater and gaining back all the weight I lost in the past few weeks, I'm unable to breath neither to concentrate because my mind is just thinking that I want to ctb ASAP.

I'm tired of feeling like this the whole time, I feel completely worthless, ugly, fat, crazy and hopeless. And you know what makes me even angrier... is that the reason which triggered my anxiety is really stupid and I'm super ashamed to share it with someone in the real world (my friends are tired of listening always to my nonsense shit and also right now they're dealing with the Corona-stress).

I have an issue with REJECTION, I can't stand rejection... specially when it comes from the opposite sex. After my last attempt in September, I refrained myself from flirting/meeting/seeing men in order to heal from that traumatic event and become more emotionally stable. However, last month due to the quarantine boredom and also because I thought I was ready to start talking to men again, I decided to download Tinder. I used the passport option and met a cute and sweet Danish guy... the first few weeks were awesome because we would talk everyday the whole time. I was excited to wake up and see his sweet good morning messages and he was learning sweet sentences in Spanish and would surprise me everytime he told me one. Then this week he started to become distant and stopped using endearment words, then he stopped replying to my messages and he no longer writes me. I know you think "C'mon, he's just a Tinder guy who you dont even know"... But you know?? It's deper than that... it completely breaks my soul every time a guy does that to me, and sadly it ALWAYS happens, which makes me think that I have a problem, I have something that scares men away. Last time I had a boyfriend was 13 years ago, and when people gets to know this"fun fact" about me, they have a hard time believing it because they think I'm a beautiful, intelligent, kind person. It always happens to me, and when it happens I start to feel dragged by this black hole of negative thoughts and emotions...just thinking that I'm not worthy of love, that I'm a failure, that I'm ugly and that I will never have a partner. And this drives me completely crazy

If you read until here I really appreciate your time invested. Is there someone else out there who feels like this? Have you ever felt this way?


Love,

LPG‍

PS: Please excuse my mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.

 

[Meowkin]

It can feel isolating when people think you're doing fine when you're not. Rejection is especially painful if you're sensitive. Glad you've got some extra ears here who'll listen.

 

[onlyme]

Firstly, your English is great, better than some native english speakers. I know it's easy to say, but forget about the tinder guy, you're worth more than that. I know rejection is never easy and my thoughts are with you.

 

[onlyme]

Very true, like you I seem to be fairly chilled/unfussed by coronavirus and enjoying the lockdown. Like you I know it won't last and I will start feeling frustrated/depressed/fed-up with everything when things open up again and wish I could just curl up and disappear from it all as I wonder what's the point to it all.

If you want to chat or whatever, I'm more than happy to do so with you.

 

[Whatsthepointanyway]

Rejection really sucks. It hurts us all. But remember. You're a beautiful, smart soul. You said it yourself, it's his loss.

In the meantime, maybe seek some help about the rejection issue. It's very specific which means that with targeted therapy, it should be possible to solve.

 

[heraclitus]

Habla ingles mejor que muchos ingleses! Aqui nos entendiamos todos los que pasa con Vd. Es casi como nosotros nacemos con el deseo y la voluntad de morir.


Spanish is not my first language!

People do not reject you - the power of your strength and love scares them. One day thee right person will appear. Until then - love yourself till others can love you as you deserve.

 

[William Barker]

If your feeling lonely, feel free to chat it up with me. I promise I'm a decent sort and I have nothing but time on my hands.

 

[GravityUtilizer]

Yeah it's tough. I'm at 9 years (since a r'ship). I actually kind of wanna make 10 now but I'm sure I'd let a woman off if she came knocking!

 

[taylor321]

i can relate to a lot that u said here, ive also been suicidal sense a young age (11). But I was happy to find this site and see people who i can kinda relate to and wont judge me based on my situation. Before i found this site id visit the suicide forum on reddit (which fucking sucks).
I feel hopeless all the time because i am. Im grateful to have found so many nice and interesting people on this site, but even being on here sometimes depresses me. I get sad when i see people post about how they have to use this site secretly cause their friends and family will try to help them if they find out. I dont have anyone in my life that cares about me like that, and it really hurts..
My issue with rejection is a little different then yours, ive messaged multiple different people on the partners thread on here, and even found a few ppl in my state yet none of them will met up with me. I talked with a girl on here i was supposed to meet up with back in April and every single time i wanted to meet she made an excuse as to why she couldn't come... Like it was a wedding or she was helping her friends move, or she slept all day... i dont understand why people feel the need to tell me lies and waste my time like that
So anyways i can 100% understand what u mean when u say u think ur not worthy of love. I dont think the universe has enough love for people like myself. My life has always sucked, and i go outta my way to be nice to ppl just to be fucking left on read, its ridiculous. I had a guy on here cancel on me THE DAY we were supposed to meet, then i asked him what happened and he couldn't even respond. Even the older people on here in their 40s and 50s lie about being suicidal for attention... most of them have no intentions of going through with even meeting up with someone so idk why they post about how they are "ready to die"... like no dude, u have a girlfriend, lots of money, and a great life... u have no fucking reason to end ur life, unlike me, cause i have NONE of those things.

I think most of the people who do these things to us do them because they want attention and they want to get a reaction out of us, they are so bored with their lives that they feel the need to act all mysterious and secretive and ignore our messages. Its unfortunate u were treated like that and im really sorry that u were. It feels terrible when someone suddenly ignores u for no reason, you deserve so much better!


btw i love pirates so i think ur username and profile pic are AWESOME, i lowkey always wanted to be either a pirate or witch

 

[Bct]

That's really hard being suicidal since you were a little kid. It's really tiring.

I also having difficulty with rejection. If it's something that happens only once or twice, maybe I could shrug it off. But I've been experiencing countless broken hearts, that makes me feeling like a shit because the mistakes most likely are caused by me. I've tried to improve yet it just leads to nowhere. I'm also feeling I'm not worthy of love due to these rejections.