im just so pathetic

[mirrorman2]

im in the perfect intercross between (lack of) social competency and neurodivergence to be just one of the most pathetic people my age. i've been told this by just so many people both to my face and behind my back that it's something i've just accepted. it wasn't something i wanted to admit to myself but the writing is on the wall. it's easy to make fun of me or find something to mock me for when you're at this uncanny valley of being completely socially incompetent like a heavily neurodivergent person would be but don't look the part. this just opens yourself up to just cruel mockery by people who want to feel better about themselves.

i don't know if it's my face, or voice, or personality or any combination of these things but chronically; i cannot be taken seriously. whether it's therapy, work, dating, social stuff. i remember an ex told me that before we started dating she thought i was a loser and pathetic. this was someone who i held in the highest regards even when we didn't even know each other yet. they told me out of anger of some stupid argument that they thought me as a someone to be mocked, like they were doing me a favor for tolerating me, that i was lucky that they even bothered to attach their name to mine.

i think that's a perfect microcosm of why im a failure of a person. there's just something about me that motivates others to establish that they are better than me, and to make sure that i know that. when my own suicidal tendencies is dismissed by therapists and those supposed to be close to me, it just makes me think they really do want me gone. im being filtered out.

 

[LostHope556]

You know what friend? Your ex can go FUCK HERSELF. That's all I gotta say. I don't know you homie, but that ho sounds like a real bitch. I bet if we met in real life, we would kick it off. I bet you're a good dude. I know life gets shit. Hell, why do you think I'm here? But you deserve to live. You are lovable.

 

[MissWannaLive]

So first of all your ex can go f herself. It's good that it's an EX now. While I understand such things hurt from a person who was supposed to be the closest to you it seems she was just a bitch in general. We all here know life gets hard and I understand you since I also often feel like a pathetic human being BUT. It's hard to believe but it's not the case. People like to make fun of others if they don't fit the standard, often fucking them up. Please do change your therapist because if they dismiss suicidal thoughts they shouldn't be working as a therapist in the beginning. I hope you will have a chance to change the environment because trust me, once you do and you meet more "freaks" you will see that in fact you are not pathetic and it was the people around you that were the problem. Stay strong I believe in you bro. Just a stranger from net but remember that if a stranger from net can believe in you then everything is possible
Edit: I recommend looking up some alt scenes in your area. Usually alt people are already considered a freaks by others and some lower human beings so it's possible you will meet someone actually cool. Being different does not make you pathetic it's the people around you that want you to feel this way. Pathethic evaporates once you find your people.

 

[mirrorman2]

You know what friend? Your ex can go FUCK HERSELF. That's all I gotta say. I don't know you homie, but that ho sounds like a real bitch. I bet if we met in real life, we would kick it off. I bet you're a good dude. I know life gets shit. Hell, why do you think I'm here? But you deserve to live. You are lovable.

So first of all your ex can go f herself. It's good that it's an EX now. While I understand such things hurt from a person who was supposed to be the closest to you it seems she was just a bitch in general. We all here know life gets hard and I understand you since I also often feel like a pathetic human being BUT. It's hard to believe but it's not the case. People like to make fun of others if they don't fit the standard, often fucking them up. Please do change your therapist because if they dismiss suicidal thoughts they shouldn't be working as a therapist in the beginning. I hope you will have a chance to change the environment because trust me, once you do and you meet more "freaks" you will see that in fact you are not pathetic and it was the people around you that were the problem. Stay strong I believe in you bro. Just a stranger from net but remember that if a stranger from net can believe in you then everything is possible
Edit: I recommend looking up some alt scenes in your area. Usually alt people are already considered a freaks by others and some lower human beings so it's possible you will meet someone actually cool. Being different does not make you pathetic it's the people around you that want you to feel this way. Pathethic evaporates once you find your people.

thx guys c:

i rly appreciate ur tip on seeking out the alt scene. i play guitar and feel like i would find somewhere to feel accepted in a scenario like that, but i know from experience that i just really cant contain how awkward and anxious i am, id probably walk out. also the area im at is just... not the kind of place that has scenes like that, or at least if they do, it has people that know who i am and want me out. or i'd get called a poser or something lol. this is a recurring theme in my life. its why ive never performed on the boardwalk or other music stuff i want to do because i know id just get mocked. id have people walking up to me saying crazy shit and expecting me to just take it. this happens literally all the fucking time even when im not calling attention to myself in any way. i truly do not understand why people feel like they dont have to respect me at all just because im less attractive or less socially competent than them.

for what you guys said about my ex, i dont think my she is a bad person for saying what she said. i was objectively worse to her in ways that i didn't intend to hurt her, but it did heavily, and thats why she said what she said. that was one of the few times where i knew she was being honest with me. she was very scorned at how i wasnt able to love her the way she loved me. its just an example of how my incompetency turns people against me.

 

[MissWannaLive]

thx guys c:

i rly appreciate ur tip on seeking out the alt scene. i play guitar and feel like i would find somewhere to feel accepted in a scenario like that, but i know from experience that i just really cant contain how awkward and anxious i am, id probably walk out. also the area im at is just... not the kind of place that has scenes like that, or at least if they do, it has people that know who i am and want me out. or i'd get called a poser or something lol. this is a recurring theme in my life. its why ive never performed on the boardwalk or other music stuff i want to do because i know id just get mocked. id have people walking up to me saying crazy shit and expecting me to just take it. this happens literally all the fucking time even when im not calling attention to myself in any way. i truly do not understand why people feel like they dont have to respect me at all just because im less attractive or less socially competent than them.

for what you guys said about my ex, i dont think my she is a bad person for saying what she said. i was objectively worse to her in ways that i didn't intend to hurt her, but it did heavily, and thats why she said what she said. that was one of the few times where i knew she was being honest with me. she was very scorned at how i wasnt able to love her the way she loved me. its just an example of how my incompetency turns people against me.

Incompetency is not always bad. If it was that way then you weren't just a fit for each other which is fine although the hurtful words were not necessary. However you can always learn from this and try to work with the situation. Sometimes things don't work out and terrible things happen but it doesn't mean you are written off for the rest of your life.

As for the alt scene. If you can maybe try looking out in other cities near you? I myself am rather socially anxious person but I find it easier to let it go and be wild in places that are unfamiliar to me and where no one knows me. Yes having to go on a trip to a different city can demand a lil bit of money but it can give you more sanity than you would expect and that is worth it. And if not locally try looking online, obviously avoid trolls and toxic chronically online people but the online scene is also pretty good. If you really enjoy playing guitar I also recommend either going one day on a trip somewhere/maybe a concert or some event and have your way with that. If it's not possible for you then you can always try to share it online. You can make a whole persona so no one from your local society will recognize you. Not even in the need to show face but I am 100% sure most online music lovers would actually support someone new (aside from those chronically online ppl but that we already make sure to not care about them).
I get it that sometimes the environment is really hard to push through but I still believe you have the strength to show them all they can go and fuck themselves
If other ppl shame on you and that's the only thing they can do it really shows who they are. I know it's hard but really who is more pathetic? You because you are anxious and a bit awkward? Or them because the only thing they can do is hate and shame someone? Obviously the latter one.
I really think the alt scene can help you even online, I know I don't know you or your case but based on mine experience when I started to express myself more (even if scared at first) people who shamed on me let go. Obviously not everyone may let go but I think the majority will leave you alone once you will embrace your different self. It's nothing bad to be socially awkward or lack some skills as long as you are a decent human being (aka u ain't going around and beating ppl and do some stuff like that).
And yeah gathering self confidence for all of that is one hell of a pain but trust me it is possible. Even if your mind tells you that no way you ever will be able to pull something off, it's not true. It takes a long journey but it's possible<33