Venting I'm just hanging by a thread

[DemonicAngel]

Okay so I know I haven't been a member long but I feel understood here. I've been in therapy and on different combos of psychotropic meds since 1997. I was always bullied, I never fit in or had friends. When I was a junior in highschool I met who I still consider to be the love of my life. We were together for seven years (even got engaged) and after we broke up I had a breakdown. I took 100 2mg Xanax but because of my tolerance was still alert and able to walk when the paramedics came.I hate how my therapist is always telling me that I can tell her anything. Because part of me wants too, but I know better. Anytime you even mention suicide/having suicidal thoughts/being suicidal the men in the white coats take you away. I'm the youngest child and the only girl, I have a brother that's 11 yrs older and one that's 13 yrs older. They are also tall and muscular. I was being abused by an ex some years back and my brother took care of it. The one that's 11 years older is my best friend, well really my only friend. He knows about my mental illness to an extent but I don't want to put more stress on him then already is. Me, him, and my mother all live together. My mom is an alcoholic and is mentally and emotionally abusive. I know my brother wants to move out of state to his gfs but he doesn't want to leave me. Honestly the only thing stopping me from taking my SN is my brother and my cats. My brother would cry and my cats would have no one. I just don't know how much longer I can weigh my suffering against theirs. Am I stupid or a wuss or something? Why if I want out so bad do I allow myself to remain hanging by a thread?

P.S Is there a way to get my signature automatically included in all my posts, if so how?

 

[jitis]

I know you said you don't want to stress your brother out, but what's the possibility you could move somewhere close to where your brother was planning to go? It sounds like hell to be stuck in a household with someone emotionally abusive, and while it's much easier said than done, leaving seems like the right choice. I would communicate with your brother at the possibility you two could work something out.

Also, don't feel any guilt or feel like you're being intrusive of his life. You said that he's defended you, I'm positive he's completely down to helping you as much as he can. He seems like a fantastic person- and in your time of need, it's okay to rely on the one's who truly understand you.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

A small thread of hope is a powerful thing...
You seem very aware of the factors adding to how you feel, it won't help much in the now but can you look to move out of home. Away from your mum, freeing your brother and easing your guilt maybe you can start to build life for you?
Making my final ctb plan, gaining control over how and when i die, has given me a small sense of control of my life again. i am currently using that as my thread to cling to.