I'm just doing it.... but what for?!

[nopointofliving]

I managed myself somehow and got back to my books.
I'm studying daily for few hours, but why?!!
I don't know why?!! Life is pointless to me, and probably the steps I'm making will lead me to nowhere.
I have no hope that anything would improve, and I'm just that tiny creature that tries to faces the giant life.
Of course, I'm going to lose. But I'm just doing it, why??!! I don't know why?!!
I read my book and wonder what the hell I'm doing, breaking another rock on my way, and a big mountain is blocking my whole way.

I really want to cease, I want to leave soon but I can't now, so I'm forced to do it. I'm forced to do anything, otherwise my situation will likely be worse and worse.

 

[unperson]

I can relaaaaaaaaaate. The difference for me is I think I know what my purpose should be—connecting with & helping people & being more compassionate and also reducing my own suffering—but this disparity between how sure I am in what I think would make for a better life, and my ability to achieve it which seems to be nil, is the most frustrating thing.

Having said that, idk your exact situation but do you talk to people often? Do you like the people you're typically around?

 

[nopointofliving]

Having said that, idk your exact situation but do you talk to people often? Do you like the people you're typically around?

I don't talk to people at all. I study at night so I don't have to talk with anyone or hear the noises my neighbors make much often.

I can relaaaaaaaaaate. The difference for me is I think I know what my purpose should be—connecting with & helping people & being more compassionate and also reducing my own suffering—but this disparity between how sure I am in what I think would make for a better life, and my ability to achieve it which seems to be nil, is the most frustrating thing.

I'm glad you know your purpose ... as long as you have a goal, you can always run toward it.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Doing things for the sake of doing them, living for the sake of others...going through the motions like the clockwork automaton I have become.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."
—William Shakespeare

 

[timf]

Education is often presented as the path to a prosperous, happy, and successful life. However, as one follows the often tedious and tiring path, one begins to question how accurate such an understanding actually is. This can do much to undercut ones motivation in life.

It might work better to make the goal less about a distant life and more about immediate goals. If it is difficult to find anything inspiring in the books you are studying, you might find reading them from a perspective of criticism to be more enjoyable. For example, if you find fault in them you may retain enough information to pass your exams as well as amuse yourself.

 

[WornOutLife]

I totally understand what you're going through, dear.

I'll probably ctb but still, I'm working and studying a lot of japanese.

I guess having a "PLAN B" is not a bad idea. You know, what if we fail and end up living on this goddamn blue rock for some more decades? Just in case, let's keep on reading or doing things we like! If they're "productive", even better!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[sm20]

I thought the same way for a while and that's whats led to 99% of the problems I'm currently facing. Even if you think suicide is inevitable and that there's no way you'll die of old age, odds are you'll live longer than you expect tp. I'm not sure if there's a single suicidal person who killed themselves earlier than they expected. 90% of people at least will keep on delaying it for months or years. I'm nearing a decade since my first time in a mental hospital and will soon have access to SN, but I still don't feel like doing it right away.

 

[nopointofliving]

Education is often presented as the path to a prosperous, happy, and successful life. However, as one follows the often tedious and tiring path, one begins to question how accurate such an understanding actually is. This can do much to undercut ones motivation in life.

It might work better to make the goal less about a distant life and more about immediate goals. If it is difficult to find anything inspiring in the books you are studying, you might find reading them from a perspective of criticism to be more enjoyable. For example, if you find fault in them you may retain enough information to pass your exams as well as amuse yourself.

Thank you for your advice. Let's see how it goes.

I totally understand what you're going through, dear.

I'll probably ctb but still, I'm working and studying a lot of japanese.

I guess having a "PLAN B" is not a bad idea. You know, what if we fail and end up living on this goddamn blue rock for some more decades? Just in case, let's keep on reading or doing things we like! If they're "productive", even better!

Hugs and love,

Matt

this is what I thought about. And I don't want to have regrets in the future: "what if I studied more, what if I did so and so" I want to give it a try so I won't have any regret. But as I sit more studying, my back pain increases, and it really puts me off. I'm killing myself (my health I mean), what for?!!!

I thought the same way for a while and that's whats led to 99% of the problems I'm currently facing. Even if you think suicide is inevitable and that there's no way you'll die of old age, odds are you'll live longer than you expect tp. I'm not sure if there's a single suicidal person who killed themselves earlier than they expected. 90% of people at least will keep on delaying it for months or years. I'm nearing a decade since my first time in a mental hospital and will soon have access to SN, but I still don't feel like doing it right away.

Right. I also thought that I don't want to leave without trying, I want to give it my last try before leaving. But my backaches really make my situation worse.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yeah, I know what it is like to lack motivation. I see everything as pointless personally as we all just die anyway. Anhedonia has taken over my mind and it literally takes me ages to do certain tasks. I feel really tired and I just want to sleep. I hope you find some relief, I think as humans we feel like we have to force ourselves to do tasks even know we don't want to. It is hard.

 

[netrezven]

It came just like that. I said f*ck you all. My motivation to do what i best can is higher than ever.

 

[Red]

For me it's the need to say at the end of it, well, I tried as best I could. If there's more that's a moment of idly sitting by without very good reason (save to give myself a break and yes, even to wallow momentarily, allowing myself to feel instead of trying so hard to constantly ignore it), I feel guilty, internalising the sense that I'm just not trying hard enough, like so many people assume.

I think you just keep going because there's simply nothing else to do, like treading water instead of just allowing that water to close over our heads. It really is as simple as that too, for if we did that we'd slip into psychogenic death; no will to live at all, not even to feed ourselves or go to the toilet or anything.

You just keep going on autopilot, hoping that the choice of staying alive will someday be taken from you, as of course it always eventually is.

Just keep swimming...

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